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I haven't been here in a while. However, I need an outlet for this extremely disturbing situation I'm in.
Just a little history...AH and I have been married for almost two years - have known each other for three. He had been actively drinking for most of our relationship. He got sober for 9 months last year, relapsed in September, and has been sober since that.
We have discussed having children. He had led me to believe that it was something that he was not opposed to. He has a 7 year old son, I have no children. Towards the end of last year/beginning of this year, I brought up starting to try to have children. Time is not on my side - I turned 38 years old in February. He said ok. So, I went out and bought ovulation testing kits so I could start testing. When the ovulation test came positive, he then announced that he was wrong - that he DID NOT want to have children after all. Obviously, I was floored. But, this is the kind of insanity that I've been living with. Eventually, we both agreed to revisit the issue in six months.
Well, fast forward to today. I found out on Monday that I'm pregnant! I was quite surprised. So, I told my husband, and yesterday, he announced that he thinks we should divorce. He said that he actually was thinking about it before he found out about the preganancy. But, he couldn't really give me much reason as to why he feels this way, other than he says he thinks that we're growing in different directions. I think that's BS. He's a runner and a quitter - when things get to be a little too much for him, he runs. Last year, he moved out of our home TWICE when I was at work and I had no clue.
What kind of person would leave their wife who is pregnant with their child - her first pregnancy, no less??!! And, for no good reason really? I am so hurt, I just don't know what to do. I don't think I will ever forgive him for this - ever. I have done so much for him, I'm just so appalled that he could do this to me. And, he actually still claims that he loves me. I just don't understand...I really don't know what to make of any of this. I have to find a way to free myself from this, and from him. He has hurt me so much. But, at the same time, I am scared to raise my baby alone.
hugs.. I am raising 4 alone, at 40 after 16 yrs of marriage.. it's scary, and hard, and really the best thing I could have ever done. I wish you the best with your decision, and it is yours to make. Do what is right for you, and now for you and your child.. When that partner doesn't exist, it is quite difficult to try to make him one. Mine was never the family man, but kept saying that's what he wanted, and then would go back on it.. the roller coaster ride got old, tired, and the kids were suffering most.. I got off, and we are still healing, but are moving on towards a better and happier place.
Ouch S n C....that really really sucks for sure. What kinda person does a thing like that? - obviously the alcoholic you are married to. Al-Anon I was told is a spiritual program and only a spiritual program which makes situations like yours a God thing. Although I've not ever been pregnant I have been in some really really threatening places and with the grace of God have most always received better outcomes than I ever expected. You will have doubts and those are temporary when you decide to use hope instead. In support and with prayers. (((((hugs)))))
Has he left yet?? Don't listen to the words, watch his actions. He's an A, they dont react like normal people. They are selfish children, they want the spotlight, constantly.
If he does leave, then thats a benefit for you. You dont want somebody around whose a deadbeat Dad. Its painful, but you will get past it. You have a child to think about.
What kind of man would runout on a pregnant woman, a man with the disease of alcoholism.
My best to you, grab on to your HP, I know your going to make it thru.
No, he has not left yet. He's saying that he's open to talking things through. He's talking, but not really saying much of anything. None of it makes any sense - the conversation is like a riddle, literally.
My experience here mainly comes from being an alcoholic who is now sober for a while. I know that I felt like an incompetent child for the first couple years of sobriety. Things that I thought I knew, I didn't. I flipped at the thought of any further change because getting sober was such a big change already. Since my mind was clearing up, I started having all these "deep" and confusing thoughts about what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, and who I wanted to be with. I always just drowned out those thoughts when drinking.
I am not writing this to excuse your husband's behavior or poor communication....but only to give you some insight into what "might" be going on here in his world. He is a very newly sober, wishy washy, confused person with a lot of unresolved fears that were causing him to drink and to relapse as well. I know this because that is what I was at about the same timeline in sobriety and that is what I see from everyone else who is proceeding in early sobriety. You might see a man who is better at taking responsibility after he works the steps and has more time in the program....but he is going to change and that could either bring you closer together or drive you apart. Couples counseling might help your chances of surviving this turbulent time as a couple (both the pregnancy and his new sobriety).
Hi StopandChat, my exAH moved out on my seriously so many times I can't count, whether I was pregnant or not. An A isn't really a rational or reliable person as you may already know. I was 19 with my first and he left me and I begged him back and 30 and married 5 years with my second and I begged him back. And their were so many times in between, I was never respecting him enough or I was doing too much for the community and needed to be home more, otherwise I understood I was to do nothing, but wait on him hand and foot and it still would never be enough or perfectly done, trust me I tried! So really think about what kind of life you want for you and your unborn child? My exAH can not reach beyond himslef and until he starts AA and a treatment program I can't live with the insanity any longer. So the way i see it as you have choices too. Take it to your HP and your answers will come. I will say prayers for you all!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
My dear StopandChat. I am also a woman who has been thru 3 pregnancys, so I relate to how vulnerabe you must feel right now (raging hormones and all that).
What I would add to the other posts is to underline what pinkchip suggested about seeking counseling--be kind to yourself and grab every bit of support from anywhere you can get it. ONE WORD of CAUTION: Do make sure the therapist has experience with issues of addiction. My background is medical/mental health, and I can tell you that I have seen many well-meaning therapists who just don't know this terrain.
You already know that your Al-anon family will never let you down. Love, Otie. I am a newbie.
Living with an addicted person who is not in recovery is well we all know what that looks like......I often wondered why my mom thought it was better to live in a broken home than to come from one..........
Again, this person is describing their partner as being newly sober. There are HUGE differences between an addict/alcoholic in recovery versus one who is not. Not to say some behaviors and tendencies do not continue into sobriety, but they lesson as time passes and the program is worked. This includes behaviors such as running away from responsibility. As I stated before...someone with less than a year sobriety is not going to be a fully grown and responsible person yet....but at least they have a better chance at getting there than someone actively using and refusing to go into treatment.
I kicked my AH out right after I found out I was pregnant with our first child (I had a 9 year old from my first marriage as well). He was actively drinking and the insanity was all around. Before I kicked him out, I thought long and hard about it - if nothing at all changed, would I want to be in the situation? The only answer I had was NO. I wanted to be in a relationship with my AH, but only if lots of things were different. Changing him wasn't an option - so I had to change me.
As it turned out, kicking him out was a good decision because I could concentrate on taking care of my own health without all the insanity under my nose. My sponsor had to tell me every day for a while to stop trying to predict the future and getting caught up in "what if." When I first kicked him out I was stuck in the "I didn't want to be a single mom of ONE child, much less the single mom of TWO children" cycle of thoughts. I stressed myself out worrying about how I would provide for the children and what people were going to think. This was stressful and unproductive.
As it turns out, my AH got sober and started working a program after I kicked him out, and I let him come home a few months later. He's been sober for 2 years now. I didn't kick him in an attempt to get him to wake up and get recovery and start appreciating what he has - I kicked him out with the expectation that for today, I was going to be taking care of business by myself. One day at a time, taking care of business by yourself is manageable. It's hard to not get caught up worrying about a year from now, but putting the cart before the horse can really make a person stressed out and sick. I understand that your husband is not actively drinking, but I don't think that matters as far as what YOU can do for YOU. The lesson we learn here is - he's going to do what he's going to do. Now what are YOU going to do? Speculation about why he's doing whatever he's doing won't help anything. You can choose taking care of yourself, whatever that looks like, regardless of his choices.
This is a good time to take care of your health, all aspects of your health, one day at a time. You can do anything for 24 hours.
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Sunday 3rd of April 2011 12:35:51 PM
Thanks for the insight. My AH is in recovery, and, for the first time, he seems to actually be "working" a program. However, this period of early sobriety is still very much a period of flux. You're absolutely right - my AH is still a very confused, irrational, irresponsible person. And, he is definitely having deep, confusing thoughts of who he is, what he wants to do in life, etc. I certainly hope these things resolve themselves the longer he is in the program, whether he and I are together or not.
I've had some time to think about things, and I don't think that I want this life anymore. It has been nothing but a roller coaster since I met him. It is literally like living in the Twilight Zone most of the time. Nothing with him is logical and makes any sense. If it were just me, I may feel differently - I may want to hang in there and work things through with him as I've done in the past. But, I do not want this roller coaster life for my child.
Hopefully he'll be able to be a good father to our child. As long as he is sober, he will be - he is a great father to his son now that he is sober. Whatever happens, I know that I can handle it and me and my baby will be ok.
