Well, it can no way be compared to the biblical story of the Prodigal Son, but it wasn't Rambo either    Regardless, I got my boy back. I phoned the school counselor on Thurs, and asked him to facilitate a meeting.  He offered Mon or Tues morning.  I said "too late", he said "today at 2". Perfect.

I had armed myself with all the legal codes and lingo,and was mentally prepared to use the legal authorities if needed. Though I didn't need to use it, having the info built my confidence and was a huge part of feeling prepared and finding an answer.   I just said to my son, "I was wrong (music to his ears) for having you and allowing you, to leave.  I love you.  I want you to come home." At that point he started shaking his head "no" and I said, "its not a choice, you need to come home".  I spoke a little bit at this point about the laws, but the conversation quickly went into negotiation mode.

It had nothing to do with him staying where he was.  He clearly wanted to come home. The counselor actually got him to express what he missed at home.  He cried as he did so, stating, familiarity (like knowing where things are), his brother, getting basic needs met. He couldn't even be specific about it. In essence, he missed his mama.

He had 3 "demands', which included getting his cell phone back, getting his drivers license, and having some freedom to out.  That was it.  Pretty much what every other teen has.  The thing is, he is a kid who got things without ever having to work for them, and is a kid who has NEVER responded well to punishment and repression.  The more we tried to change behavior by taking away, the more he fought against it.  Then, we would overreact to him and he would overreact to us, and the result?  An angry kid who who felt a bit entitled, who would rather live would live in an unhealthy environment with only a sleeping bag and a duffle of clothes than  do without, or submit, change behavior and go home. What I have come to believe is that we weren't bad parents, and we really tried, but our parenting totally was not what son needed.  That said, the techniques he did need are still a mystery to me.

Anyway, I was able to tell him he could have those things, but they came with responsibility from him as well.  So, he will pay for his cell phone by mowing the lawns for $10 a week.  I will no longer take his phone away, but he will find that if he doesn't pay his bill, the "phone company" will turn his phone off.  Then we spoke of the costs of getting a drivers license. He spoke of the poor economy and being unble to get a job (as if he really has tried), and the counselor said he will get him a job at the community pool  ;)  However, that will involve effort on my son's part too, for he will have to spend Spring Break in training.  Anyway, I told him I will pay half the fees of getting the license.  When he has the cash to get the license he will get it, and when he has half the costs of his insurance, plus the extra money for not getting a good grade discount, then he will be a legal driver.  There will be no more money advances.  And, if he does not behave in sober/responsible behavior there will be NO WAY he will ever drive my car. Also, he may have more freedoms, but he does need to let me know where is going and have limitations to coming home. 

So, in a nutshell (and over an hour later) he was coming home.  He wanted to get his phone that night,  but not come home until Sat. I said no. He chose to pack up and come home that night.  The sister of his friend was here at the house that evening (before he got here), and her mom texted her with "___ is going home. You got what you wanted."  I did have a few choice words expressing what I thought about that to the girl, but otherwise, in the whole experience I only made it about us, only mentioning the mom in that if she chose not to have him leave she is breaking the law.  As an aside, from some things my son mentioned, the sister took the situation of confiding in me back home and twisted it in ways to achieve her goal.  So, I realize all she told me wasn't true, but it doesn't matter in that it was true enough and prodded me into doing what I knew I needed to do.

When he got home and set up his room, my daughter sat in his room and told him all about how she broke her arm. My youngest had made me promise that he be woken up, and when my oldest did so, the the little one was in disbelief and squealed, hugging him around the neck then looking at him then hugging/squeezing again.  When daughter came to hug me to say goodnight, and was sobbing with tears of happiness.  Ex is pleased son is home and out of an unsafe environment, but doesn't really agree with giving back what was taken away.  Regardless, he came over, knocked on son's door and just hugged him and said, "I'm glad you're home.'

A day at a time, that is for sure.  I question his follow through on the job front, but then again, it is very clear what he will get from it.  Of course, I can't help but hope that he can feel empowered, and realize that he really is in control of his destiny, but heck, I am still realizing that is the case for me to.  I going to actively work on relinquishing control and staying calm.  It really is just for a few months.  He has every intention of graduating, and still has college plans that involve going to the jc for a couple of years and living away from home. Does he have a substance abuse problem at this point, or will he?  I don't know, but will deal with that if/when it comes.

So, I got through that crisis. Thank you all so much! Al-anon principles were threaded throughout.  Keeping it simple, reaching out for help, changing my expectations, keeping the focus on the issue at hand, and only putting out boundaries I can follow, among them.  It's not easy and it's not perfect, but it worked. I am proud of myself for that, and I am sooo grateful.

Blessings,

Lou

-- Edited by Loupiness on Saturday 2nd of April 2011 11:17:30 AM