I'm SO Afraid of Becoming my Mother! - Al-Anon Family Group

delhommefan · Veteran Member

I'm SO Afraid of Becoming my Mother!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds as though you have awareness and awareness is key. Our parents were probably lacking that awareness.

Since my mother didn't have very effective methods of managing kids, I had to figure it out on my own. I know your topic was different and you didn't ask for suggestions, so just ignore mine if it's obnoxious! I had a breakthrough with my son when I realized I had to make clear what was going to happen and give him time to make the decision. So the key to peace in our house was "I'm going to count to five and then if your coat isn't on I'm going to [whatever]. One ... two ... " I was so amazed at how well this has worked that I almost cried that my mother didn't know this technique. Of course it doesn't work when the child is already worked up or in tears, because they can't focus well enough to hear it. When the tears or screaming is happening, I notice they pause when I say calmly and helpfully, "What do you want? What do you want?" Even if what they want is something they can't have, it helps us focus on the solution. "You can't have a candy bar now, but if you come along we'll have some nice dinner," or whatever. (I always try to put a positive in!)

The weird thing is that after a while I started using these on myself. When I get upset I say to myself, "What do you want?" Figuring out the answer has been so helpful.

Take what you like and leave the rest!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I think your daughter and my grandson are related! oh Lori my daughter would try to pick him up and leave from this activity center. He would totally lose it! He was pushing kids off the slide!

He got about 4 1/2 and he did a complete turnaround, and at five he is so sweet and helpful.

We always, me too, used the time out method. I remember my dil calling me from a store, my other grandson was being a turkey, I said do the same old time out! in the store??? I said YES he doesn't stop learning just becuz you are shopping!

My mother used to say she didn't know why it worked, but it does....

Its ok hon, believe me it is normal. Seems like someone on here was afraid their 4 year old was going to be a seriel killer! lol

Hugs lori, glad you are here! love,deb

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lori - I had to get work out of the way before I could respond to this, been thinking and my best share for the topic is this:

When my now 16 year old was a 4-5 year old she liked to pretend she was different things, most notably a car and Ms. Kitty - I had to hold her tire as we crossed the street, (or paw). I remember one incident when she was not behaving and I told her that if she didn't do as I wanted her to do, she could not be Ms. Kitty anymore. It broke her heart to think of not being Ms. Kitty and so she complied. I often think that God and I will walk one day and He will show me that scene and laugh while telling me how funny it was. But it worked. With my kids I tailored discipline to what meant the most to them. 4 isn't too young for a sit-down heart to heart talk about crazy mornings and how mommy and her can come to some agreements on how to make the mornings not crazy mad times. Then sit with her and make a planned schedule - If she gets up and watches cartoons then eats breakfast and dawdles getting dressed, then change the routine to fit your needs; if shoes are always a last minute struggle then shoes need to be on before cartoons for example. My mother used phrases like, because I said so, or because I"m the mom that's why - I hated that and didn't want to do that to my kids.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.