The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I felt like writing again since it is now about a month since my 27 year old son OD'ed on heroin and died here in MD where we live. I've reconstructed all the events leading up to his overdose, talked with police, gotten the med examiners report, etc and we had a memorial service for him on March 20 (they found him on March 5). The grief has been terrible, the first few weeks the worst but still crying everyday at some point. Everything reminds me of him.. other young people, his truck parked at our house, and many other things throughout the day and I cry.. I'm back at work but can't work a full day so am taking sick leave to make up for it. It is good to have a place to go though.
I was beating myself up for not getting him a suboxone prescription that he had run out of, but frankly he had angered me by taking money that last week and I also knew he could get suboxone other ways if he really wanted it. That would have staved off the opiate craving that he had to go to Baltimore for and get and which killed him. I tell myself I did more than enough and the rest was up to him. Not one AA or NA meeting would he attend, nor group therapy even though there were some good local programs. He had to do everything his way, and working at a brewery like he did (another bad decision) got him into heavy drinking in the weeks before he died as well.
He had a death wish we feel, and there had been much other suicide talk and some attempts in the past. Accident or suicide we don't know for sure but I figure there is little difference at the point he was.
I finally returned to my Mon night Nar Anon support group this past Mon and talked about his death for an hour to the horrified other members. They had heard about it but I wanted to talk directly about it to them. It was good for me to say my feelings, including my anger at him for this happening in spite of all the love we showed him and his many many friends. Some cried, especially some who are having similar crises with kids and loved ones right now and they are wondering what it is like from my perspective. So I will keep going now and then, but not as much as before. I plan to move on now that my addict is dead and find some green sprouts in other areas I love such as art and music and give up some of the 6 hours a week I spent in meetings dealing with the difficulty of it all.
There were over 230 people at his mem service and 25 got up and talked about how great a guy he was, so smart, funny, irreverent, and unique. I saw a very different side of him- demanding, manipulative, arrogant, angry, impatient and oh so selfish. But it was nice to know the other side existed too, somewhere in the world. And I will miss certain things about him certainly.. he was my son after all and all the memories of raising him and the closeness we developed in my quest to help him with addiction.
I am happy for all the support you showed me when I wrote right after his death, it was very helpful. As I get more perspective on this I hope I can move on with serenity and know that his struggles are over forever now and he is in peace. His ashes are in the dining room in a box still, waiting to find an urn and I see them everyday. Help me pray that I can move on from this and be OK once more.
It will get easier with time, we naturally heal....Im not quite sure that moving on is the right feeling you want to convey, but I get what your trying to say. Dont rush it. It will take its course and natural perspective. Just work on not blaming yourself.
I lost a two year old child to a heart defect , I know its not quite the same , as you have many more memories Im sure. But the loss is immense. Its always there with you, but it wont be so painful as time passes.
Don't beat yourself up, I know that is easy for me to say, but having dealt with an addicted son for over ten years, there is not anymore that you could have done.
The addict holds the cards and we can only control not to join the card game with them because we will lose everytime.
My heart and prayers go out to you and your family, I know you can help others dealing with this pain because you are already reaching out.
Aloha Paul and of course you remain in our prayers. Your story...journey is shocking and sad and filled with fearful emotions and imagining and it is filled with value. That value comes in your "giving it away" to others so that they can listen, learn and practice for themselves and find what may work for them. I hope you will consider to practice the program still and not loose the memory of what it was like that drove you for help and that there were many here and in your NA support group ready, willing and able to hold you up so your HP could hold you up also. I can't say, only you can, if you have reached that spiritual awakening as a result of the steps of the program of recovery which is mentioned in the 12th of all of our steps or realized that the importance of the member who has found peace of soul and serenity is what we can give to others. It is what was given to you when you first got here and still is. As long as you've got your story; your experience and your recovery you have value beyond imagination. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you so very much for returning and posting your update. I know the utter pain of losing a child to this disease and understand the sadness and the anger.
You are doing the right thing, Keep attending your meetings, be honsest and slowly the incrdible pain will soften and you will be able to recall many warm sweet memories of Scott.
remember the 3 C;s you did not cause it, could not control or cure it. Your son did not either. Grief is a very personal thing we all do it in different ways but basically go through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and finally acceptance. Do what ever you need to do to get through your days. I hope you do carry on with your own recovery as others have said just because the person with the addiction is no longer around we have still been affected and need to heal.
may your son rest in peace and you find your own inner peace hugs
Thank you for letting us know how you're doing. I thought of you often. I know there are so many emotions to work through. It seems that you have sorted some of them out. It takes a long, long time to come to terms with it all. Please continue to love and forgive as best you can.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks for the update Paul.... You are experiencing the absolute depths (and likely our deepest fears) about this dreaded disease - and a million kudos to you for having the courage and passion to tell us about it...
Even in death, the three C's still apply - in the end, no matter how much we want to convince ourselves differently - we can't cause/cure/control them to do anything. I pray that Scott has somehow found his peace....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks Paul. Your story reminds me of the truth about the nature of this life and that's the impermanence of everything. Eventually we all will lose everything. Whether we say goodbye to our loved ones or they say goodbye to us. We are plucked like a hair out of butter when it's time to go. My wish for you is that your compassion grows enormously for others to drink from. You may have yet to discover your son's greatest gift to you. May you find your greatest teaching from your sorrow. God bless and hugs
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for coming back and sharing, I thought about you every day. I simply cannot imagine losing a child to this disease, I'm glad you saw the other side of him in his memorial service - I hope all your fond memories are able to bring you comfort. You're in my prayers.
I missed your previous posting so went back and read it. Firstly please accept my sincerest, if belated, condolences on the loss of your son and secondly, thank you for coming back to share your ES&H.
I am the mother of an adult Ason and its only in Alanon I can keep a hold of my own sanity and I value MIP as a huge part of my recovery.
Jerry said very eloquently what I would like to have said but he as the wisdom of words that I dont!! I would just like to add that I very much appreciate your contribution to this board.
You are in mourning, be gentle and kind to yourself. Theres a lot of healing in the rooms, keep your programme friends close.
Wishing you strength, healing and peace in your recovery.
Thank you for sharing your deep loss with us. That brings to mind something I heard in the Alanon room. A problem/pain shared is a problem divided not a problem solved. I have had no experience with a loss of a child and cannot imagine the grief you are in.
Please keep coming back to this forum and share what you are going through. As it is said in suggested meeting openings & closings: There is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness to great to be lessened. . . . You may not like all of us, but you will come to love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you. Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead let the love, understanding, and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.
