The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an alcoholic. A functional alcoholic, if there is such a thing. He's rarely ever drunk in the "falling down, slurring speech, etc." sense of the word, although he is rarely ever sober by 7:00 p.m. (Not making excuses, just stating facts.)
He's at the stage where he has accepted that he is an alcoholic and accepted that he needs help. He checked himself into a detox program on Tuesday this week. Today, Thursday, he says he's ready to come home. He's basically bored stiff in detox and has convinced himself that two days is enough and he can finish detoxing at home. The last time he "quit" drinking he did it at home so he feels that he can do it that way again. He doesn't see himself as being "as bad" as the other people in the detox program.
I don't know if I'm a co-dependant, an enabler, or what. I don't buy beer, open beer, fetch beer, clean up beer cans etc.. I don't keep dinner on hold for him and I don't prepare a plate for him if he misses a meal with the family. I don't tell him it's "ok" when he apologises, I don't keep the house quiet when he's still sleeping in the morning after drinking the night before, and I don't dole out Advil or Tylenol for his hangovers (which he won't admit to having). I don't hide how I feel. We are able to discuss his drinking openly in a fair and level headed manner without letting emotions drive the discussion. The detox program is voluntary. He looked into it himself with no prompting from me or anyone else because he was trying to play with our four year old daughter and couldn't because of his obsessive thoughts of drinking beer.
I'm angry and frustrated and trying to deal with it in a positive way by educating myself on the subject, attending meetings when I can, and taking time for myself when I can. I know that I can only help myself and he is responsible for helping himself, but I just want to make sure that I'm not making it easier for him to continue drinking. Can anyone provide some help/support/advice? I feel so lost!
Hi, and welcome to MIP... sounds to me like you are on the right track, for the most part.... In reality, the labels (alcoholic, enabler, etc) aren't important - the fact is that his drinking is causing YOU issues, so you are very much a candidate for needing a recovery program of your own, as his drinking IS affecting you.... Al-Anon meetings are a huge part of that recovery, as are things like this board, reading books and other information in the vein of educating yourself about the disease (and it's ramifications towards you and your daughter, etc)..... The other big issue is to make sure you are practicing 'self-care' for you and your daughter....
One of my favorite old sayings: "he will either drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Choose recovery for you - your hubby may or may not choose sobriety for himself.... sounds like he is at the stage where he still thinks he can 'do it on his own', which has a pretty low success rate (but seemingly a necessary step in his process).
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm angry and frustrated and trying to deal with it in a positive way by educating myself on the subject, attending meetings when I can, and taking time for myself when I can. I know that I can only help myself and he is responsible for helping himself, but I just want to make sure that I'm not making it easier for him to continue drinking. Can anyone provide some help/support/advice? I feel so lost!
I've been were you've been for more years than I want to say. I imagine you would like definitive answers. Understandable. However, after all that I've been through and still going through, the best support I could give you is to encourage you to get to meetings as much as possible. Make them a priority. Treat meetings as a medication for your anger and frustration. How I wish I had understood that many, many years ago.
Also, there is such a thing as a "functional alcoholic." My husband held a job for 35 years and ended it with a "forced" retirement after his second DUI. The first DUI, 3 years prior to his 2nd, the company encouraged him to go to detox and then a 30-day rehab. When the 2nd DUI occurred, the company said, "Bye-bye" without blinking an eye.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Thursday 31st of March 2011 11:55:07 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
The next right thing in my opinion would be for you to find support for yourself , find Al-Anon meetings and attend regularly do it for you . Learn about the disease of alcoholism and just how powerless over his behavior you are .His decission to stop his way is just that his decission , for me the best support we can give them is to have our own program and change the only thing we can * ourselves * . my husb too was a functioning alcoholic and his attempt at doing it his way , no support failed miserably until he admitted that he was just like everyone else in those meetings his arrogance kept him sick . His second effort to stop included AA meetings where he found the support he needed , 20 yrs later he's still sober and making alot of positive changes in his life . Learn to take care of you . Louise
Wow! Thank you everyone, I'm overwhelmed by such a huge amount of support in such a short amount of time and so grateful! When I posted earlier I don't think I even knew what was troubling me so much. I just knew that I needed to turn to help and I'm glad I did.
Since my post I spoke with my husband who has decided to stay at the detox centre for one more night, so I do feel better about that. As I was reflecting on things this afternoon I began to wonder if a big part of my concern lay in his asking me picking him up at the detox centre today. I took him there at his request and it was agreed that I would pick him up once he was done, but I just wanted to tell him that, no, I would not pick him up today. I know that how long he stays in detox is ultimately his decision but I still felt like if I picked him up today that I was, in effect, enabling him.
I'm sure this confusion is part of my process of healing. And I'm so confused! My biggest confusion lies in how to handle our ongoing relationship. Other than the drinking we have a good relationship built on mutual respect and love. I want to support him, but I don't want to send a message that I'm complacent. Things most definately need to change. I don't want to give an ultamatum but I also feel that he needs to understand that there are certain things that I will not accept, (one example, if he ever puts buying beer over buying food for my daughter and I). I feel like if I tell him that, it will just give him another reason to justify his drinking (ie, "It's not that bad, at least my family's physical needs are being taken care of and when I do quit I'll be able to catch up on the emotional needs...")
All that said, I so appreciate everyone's help and I'm just happy that he is sticking it out for one more night of his own accord.
(p.s. I'm really new to chats, online support groups, etc.. Is it poor etiquette for me to dump so much all at once?)
Aloha JustPretending...I hear the old "Sick and tired of being sick and tired" reality that I had when I first got into recovery. There was tons of stuff I didn't know and most of all I didn't know that I didn't know it. Alcoholism wasn't a subject of discussion in my family of orgin, nor was it taught in any of the schools I went to, didn't get any lessons on it while I was in the military and had zip relationship in learning it from the religion I was a part of...other than maybe it was classified a "sin". I get into Al-Anon and I learn it isn't a moral issue but a disease and then I am off to the races with the education on alcohol and alcoholism. Wow!! It included how alcoholism affects others and Wow!! again. My need for understanding and recovery was real and really justified. This is a hell of a cunning, powerful and baffling disease and I wasn't going to learn overnight what to do on my side of the coin something I had learned over the years of living with it.
Enabling has so many characters and I had to learn that from hundreds of face to face meetings. I am a recovering enabler. I over support. I say yes when I mean no and say yes before I think of how I should respond. I do things against my better judgement and also do things inspite of how it will hurt me; mind, body, spirit and emotions. I am an enabler...so I have had to learn about adding myself to that list of people I enable. Say no when I mean no...Have priorities beyond just waiting for someone to say "I need you". Enablers just love to hear that sentence. Yes I love to be needed and before that I needed to be needed or else I didn't know what I was good for. Today I practice thinking about what I want and need to do for myself first (still have to work that) and practice taking action on it. It is okay to say no to others without the fear, guilt and shame (what a concept) or the worry about what will they think and feel about me. (none of my business). I do have a life I am responsible for (my own) I can be responsible to others also however I don't choose to be responsible for them when they can make their own choices and earn their own consequences.
As for your alcoholic running his own program? He already knows "his" program doesn't and isn't working. He's at the turning point in his drinking career. I hope his HP puts a recovering Alcoholic in his path. Gonna pray for that for him. Keep coming back and practice your Al-Anon program for you.
I am speaking as an alcoholic here....I went through a phase that lasted many years in which I was "functional" like you are describing your husband. The progression of alcoholism is insideous and progressive. It will get worse. The truth of the matter is, he had a problem bad enough to go to detox and that is serious. The nature of addiction is to minimize, make excuses.....say things like "I can quit any time," "I quit before" (note that if a person says they quit before that means they started up again and never really quit), and "I'm not like those other people." What I notice with couples and how they deal with one partner's addiction is that they tend to go round and round talking about what the addict doesn't want to do. What does he want to do? Does he want to go to meetings? Does he want to build a program of recovery or he thinks he can just quit with nothing else in place. How has that worked before?
I posted "more about alcoholism" from the big book in another thread. I will post it again here. Basically, all alcoholics will have fed you the same bullcrap about not being "as bad" as others and being able to do it on their own. That is the great lie of addiction. I am posting this just to help you learn about alcoholism more. You already have all the alanon suggestions from people who are WAY more qualified in that arena than I am...
Chapter 3
MORE ABOUT ALCOHOLISM
MOST OF us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.
Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right- about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums-we could increase the list ad infinitum.
