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the last 2 weeks 3 different people have come to me out of concern for my husband. We live in a very small town and for the most part know what's going on with each other around here. So my divorce won't be final until July, but I moved out and try as I might to stay dettached with love to my A. We share our kids half the week and it works well, but every weekend I have our girls and he goes out. People are telling me how trashed he is even when he comes in. How he doesn't really talk about anything important but appears sad and is always alone. They know I left him, but still love him and they know our 15 year on and off history. They worry for him and seperately 1 of his friends and 2 of mine at bible study have talked to me. We all love him and he is really such a great guy. He has admitted he is an A, he says he is headed towards his kind of recovery, we call it his dry eras! So I have a feeling everyone will tell me to dettach and let him be. I want to go to him and tell him that all these people love him and are so sad to see him doing this and that he is making a fool of himslef and once again alcohol owns him, I want to beg him to give AA a try it is something he has never tried and his way hasn't worked for long yet! I know is sounds so futile. I bleed for this man. Anyone ESH?
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I live in a small community too, with many relatives in a city only 20 minutes away. The way I've handled it is to tell everyone that the topic of how my ex-husband is doing or what he is doing is off topic. They respect that. Even our two adult sons and I have made an agreement that if we speak of him at all it is on a positive note. It took us a little time to keep our word; we'd find ourselves going back to the usual worry talk about him. But we'd catch ourselves and got back on track.
As far as going to him to let him know what others are thinking, ect., I'd ask myself What is my motive? I stop to contemplate that question before I make decision, especially when has to do with my ex-husband.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
To drink or not is his decission tell your friends to talk to him if they want to , but you passing on thier concerns will fall on deaf ears , I am sure you have been told your over reacting , thier his friends let his peers do the talking . just my opinion . Louise
During a turbulant time in his life before I married my AH, I told him that he didn't need me as a girlfriend, he needed me as a friend and I would be that friend, no matter what happened, I would always be his friend. In our troubles I re-told him that regardless of what happened between us in the future, I would still be his friend. I have passed on things I thought he should know as a concerned friend. I have born the brunt of his misguided anger (practice in detachment) towards me for something someone else said but I do not regret those times I chose to fill him in on what I'd heard. You share children and will always have some kind of relationship with him; much better for all involved to try to have one of friendship.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I talked to my sponsor just now and she said again I am trying to save him. I have decided I can't be his Savior. I will turn him over to God again and try to let his and my friends know I can't do anything about him and have tried to no avail for the last 15 years. I will let go and let God!!! I will tell them to take their concerns to him if they indeed love and care about him. I have told him I will always be his friend and will always be here for him as long as it is about our children or a pure conversation we need to have. This is sooo hard, but I can do it and will be better for it. I know I have mismanaged it and God can do better. Thanks for the ESH. It is always helpful.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Yes. It's not that you shouldn't be his savior (though that's also true), it's that no human being can be his savior. The three C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.
I've also had that fantasy of "If only he understood X and Y, he'd see how serious the situation is and want to get sober." The insanity of alcoholism is that what would make sense to anyone else doesn't make any sense to them. No matter how excellent or convincing your argument is, it won't make a bit of difference. They have to come to the decision to get sober themselves. Some of them do. Sadly, most of them don't. But the only way to let it happen is to get out of the way and let his HP at him.
We live in a small village where everybody knows everybody elses business. I kept hearing from people about when my ah was drunk at the weekly BBQ, passed out in the road, getting a reputation in the village as a drunk, etc. I got to the point where I just said, ¨Yeah, I know all this. Maybe you should talk to him.¨ But nobody did. Talk to him, that is. Until recently when we had an ¨intervention¨ with the folks that truly care about him. They told him their thoughts about how his drinking was effecting me, and his friends. How he stands to lose their friendship if he continues to drink. And how he will lose his relationship with me. Unfortunately there are no detox or rehab facilities here that he could go into afterward. But maybe he got the message. He hasn't had a drink since then, in over 10 days now. All I can do is hope and pray and leave it to HP. When people see me and ask about him I tell them that they should ask him how he he is when they see him. It's not a perfect solution, but it's the best I've been able to come up with. Best of luck to you.
Might as well not even have a prayer list huh? As I was driving home from work I got myself into the prayer and just told my HP...Everyone affected by the disease of alcoholism...that is who I'm praying for now. They're all special, we're all yours. All's I got is prayers.
I like your sponsor also. Her instructions remind me of my early instructions on this subject also..."Turn her over and then keep your hands open so you don't grab her back." She ended up getting sober in her and her HP's time.
This works when you work it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Yes...your sponsor sounds on target. Your husband would have to be an idiot to not know what AA is. He knows AA is out there. He knows he belongs there. His pride and the disease of alcoholism is keeping him away from it. It is torture watching this happen to someone, but it's kind of like you cannot talk a schizophrenic out of their delusions... He has some real sickness going on and probably will not seek the right kind of help until he gets sicker.
