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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> cleaning up the A's mess
Post Info TOPIC: cleaning up the A's mess
purpleraven


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cleaning up the A's mess
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i'm really grateful for all the support i find here. in fact this morning i was very, very close to self-injuring because i felt absolutely hopeless, i couldn't even connect with my HP at the time. i just knew i had to get here and look for any guidance i could find, to beg my HP to show me anything that could help. and of course it worked! whew. one hour at a time ...

long-story-short recap; my ex-A was in our lives for over 5 years, he co-parented my daughter who is now 6, he was a great "step-dad" to her and they bonded deeply. even when we weren't getting along, we lived separately and were just dating, he still parented her and had promised her repeatedly that he'd be here for her "all her life" no matter what, even if he and i broke up. he'd also been encouraging her to call him any time, and she loved calling him. the last time she saw him, he was smiling and proud of her and hugged her. 2 days later, he blocked our phone number, then dumped both of us in an email. he said he won't be contacting us ever again, even to say goodbye to my girl, because it's "emotional blackmail" of me to expect that of him. even so, i've been dealing with it the best i can, working with her therapist, finding her help, etc. me and her T decided to tell her of "sometimes adults need to be alone and he's blocking all his friends phone numbers" - so she wouldn't feel singled out - because 1) in the past he'd break up with me and change his mind, he's so undependable, why put her through the pain prematurely? 2) we have a big custody case coming up with her bio-dad and she needs to concentrate on speaking of her feelings about him. but, she figured it out by herself! she says from a nightmare Sunday night. (i swear, some kids are psychic!)

since she tried to call my ex-A last Thursday night to tell him of her first lost tooth, and found it blocked, my daughter has been clinging to my side, sad and whiny but easy to please as long as we're tight together. she asks to call him constantly, or says he'll call "any time," but she refuses to talk about anything. she won't eat unless i feed her. she even wants me to dress her. so i guess i expected her grieving process to be regression, i thought perhaps she'd pick an adult in class to cling to, or even cling to one of her friends.

however, with other people she has turned violent, Monday and yesterday :( she was even violent with her therapist yesterday afternoon! i don't mean the "i'm going to test mama by slapping her arm" kind of stuff she's done in the past when upset. i mean, pushing kids down, hitting them with the toy basket, trapping fingers in books and hurting them badly, and other things she's never done before. :( the school counselor says they'll have to suspend her if she does it again today. he knows the situation, he's working with her therapist too. oddly enough, at her karate class she seemed tired and distracted, but she did very well. i wanted to talk to her sensei and let him know what's going on, i told her she can ask him for help, but she ran screaming outside so i didn't get a chance.

so, as of last evening, i'm dealing with it head-on. saying only the truth: he broke up with me and he says he won't be in our life ever again. yes, it's not fair. yes, it was a bad thing for him to do. yes, he could have said goodbye to you. you did nothing wrong! it's not your fault. it's not mama's fault. sometimes people make very bad choices. yes, he broke his promises to you. because he did that, i don't like him any more and i don't want him back. she listened and asked questions but then kept saying "it's fine" and then went silent. i'm being very firm with her, she can NOT take her anger out on anyone, she has all sorts of things she can do when she feels angry, or any other strong feeling. she has pages she can color hard on when she's upset. she has yoga, breathing, meditation, and martial arts things she can do. i can guide her, or she can do some by herself. going to the bathroom at school and counting to 10, telling her teachers she's upset and letting them help, and so on. so far she's been violent once this morning, i'm waiting on eggshells for the call to pick her up from school :(

i am trying to "hate the disease, not the alcoholic" but he hasn't had a drink in 26 years so i feel absolutely no sympathy for his disease at this point. HE KNOWS BETTER. he can't blame it on being drunk. he can't blame it on being hungover. he can't blame it on anyone but himself. "i didn't cause it, i can't control it, and i can't cure it."

i can "let go and let God," i read and re-read the 3rd and 7th step prayers, i pray for my daughter, i pray for some sleep so i don't feel so anxious. i still have pneumonia (2 weeks now, ugh) and my asthma is non-step, had to go in for breathing treatments, i have to go on a second round of antibiotics and prednisone - which makes me moody. moody i don't think i can handle right now!

my face-to-face sponsor won't be available until after school Spring break (late April) so i'm floundering, badly. (we did discuss that i need to find a new f2f sponsor because she's retiring and moving permanently). i definitely need to find a compatible online sponsor, 1), because i'll be looking for a new f2f sponsor locally and will be without one for a while, and 2) i am not able to drive safely so i'll miss the local meeting, at least this week. (i'd ask for a ride but honestly i'm supposed to be in bed right now!)

i honestly DO NOT understand his actions having anything to do with his addictions. i can not make the connections!! he's sober for 26 years, gets asked to be a speaker and a leader. but i didn't see him practice what he preached, with me. it is VERY difficult to read Al-Anon literature and identify with the stories shared, because it's all about active drinkers or people who backslide or are short-term in recovery. i wasn't with him when he was drunk, i only have known him totally sober, and so much even the Big Book - oesn't cover that situation! other than Courage to Heal, it seems like everything i read is about how to deal with the changes after someone enters recovery, when they backslide, or when they're actively addicted. i don't see any "he's totally sober and this is how he acts." the only hint i have is that he once referred to himself as a "dry drunk" 3 years ago.

i don't even know if i need help from Al-Anon or "Just-a-Jerk Anon" at this point. when i go to CoDA online or local, i can't identify there either - i worked through codependent issues with an ex-husband long ago, of course i will always take my inventory to see if i still need work! but i got "too" good at detaching from him, he accused me of having a "black belt in detachment" which he said was causing him to hurt me - and i knew that was bullcrap, and told him so. he got more and more pissed at me the more i refused to let him put his problems on me. it got to the point where i wouldn't even allow him to gossip to me, i'd tell him no. ironically, 6 days before the breakup, he was complimenting me and very sweet to me, it seemed like my detaching and remaining calm was really working for both of us.

this breakup honestly didn't shock me, i half was prepared for it, and i know i could handle it if i were alone. actually, if i were alone it would free me to enjoy dating again! but the way he did this has created a terrible situation for my little girl, at an age where she's too old to not remember all of it, and far too young to be able to deal with it. i need to find help i can identify with!!



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Jerry F


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Aloha PR...I relate.  Often times before program and on occasions still when I try to force my "thinker" to come up with solutions and put it all in order for my understanding I find myself worse off...mind, body, spirit and emotions.  Before program I was an "I can" and "I will" and "I have to" person...needing to be in control or locked up.  Learning to "Let go and Let God" or even just "Let go" only was great lessons for me...How to be powerless and not feel less than. 

This is certainly, as I was taught, a four level disease...of the mind, body, spirit and emotions.  They are all connected one to the other and as my sponsor taught me "If you are not recovering on all levels at the same time, you are not recovering." 

You titled the thread "cleaning up the A's mess"  actually you're powerless over the A's and everyone elses mess.  With kids I learned to invite them to express their thoughts and feelings and perceptions, listen deeply and relate to what they were telling me, and then share how I use to handle it what I found out and what it is like for me today....yes just like in the program.  I learned to remember that it wasn't all about me and to let them take the lead and let the gasses out.  I'd even randomly ask them to tell me how they saw a certain situation because I needed to learn more.  That my sponsor taught me was being "teachable" or "being humble". 

Honesty is and was very very important also.  When she told you "it's fine" that isn't reality...it's stuffing and denial when you compare the words to the body language.  Let her in on your honesty that it doesn't look or sound "fine" to you and let it go again. 

Keep coming back.  It's not unusual to feel like nothings working and will ever work when you're not feeling happy; which is an inside job.  When I felt that way I wanted to run also.  There are several acronyms for FEAR that I learned in recovery and the one I go with is False Evidence Appearing Real...Don't trust the evidence my brain comes up with when my emotions are all messed up and my body is feeling sick cause my spirit is going to be down and not motivated.

In Support.   (((((hugs))))) smile



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abbyal


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im sorry your daughter is going thru this and I understand how its upsetting you , this is alcoholism not alcohol wasm . this disease progresses even if sober ,alcoholism comes with many nasty attitudes and for what ever reason he has decided to hurt a child he claims to have loved that is Stinkin Thinkin. period . Stay with your program work it hard honesty with your daughter is important your doin just fine . Keep the focus on yourself and your daughter and regardless of what he does you will be okay . Louise



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Debilyn


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Glad you are back again.

I know this is hurting you so much.

In my experience, the kids don't necessarily connect what they are doing to what happened to them. All she knows is possibly, she feels rejected, feels scared, confused, has all this anger that is not meant for a little girl to work thru. They don't think like we do, their brain is still growing.

Schools are usually not set up for kids who are exhibiting this kind of behavior. There may be special aternative classes? But I am not sure the influences would be good.

My way these kiddos was to make them feel special. Because right then they were not feeling special at all. So  I would have them "help" me. I would take them to see the principal about something they did that was so good, so they got attention from others too

I gave Larry, this wild kindergartener lots of attention. He would be climbing on the back shelves as everyone else was being read to! lol Anyway I caught him every time he was doing something good, even just sitting for 5 mins! I gave him this BiG gold star I made him. It said I was so proud of him. I am not kidding 15 years later he would tell me how much that meant to him and he still had the star.

Sometimes we get so bogged down in the bad stuff, we find it hard to find anything good!Its hard having teachers and all just wanting to throw her away too.

My grandson when thru this at age 4.But with my daughter being strong, and him being taught ways to keep busy, how to act appropriatly, he then started helping the kids.

Kids like this need to feel their own power. They need to know they are ok and are needed. Maybe you could volunteer somewhere? Kids love to go to shelters and pet cats and walk dogs,(with you) She can be told these animals lost a person they loved, and their home. She would connect with them, and want to help them.

OH hon, You gotta know self injury is you telling you you hurt so much, the physical hurt would take that pain away for awhile.

I hope my experiences with kids who are going thru tough life situations helps you. You can pm me anytime.

I had my at risk hi school kids make waffles, cookies, we made ginger bread houses. it was all hands on. I mean gang kids! I always had them helping with things.

Believe me they had so much pain inside.

hugs, keep coming! we are here for you and your little kiddo. debilyn

 



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Mattie


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It seems you are struggling to understand how he could do this.  And if it relates to alcoholism.  There are certain kinds of traits I've noticed are related to alcoholism and to all kinds of difficulty functioning.  Sometimes it seems that people don't know how to cope, and they use alcohol to try to cope, and that means they don't learn other ways to cope.  Sometimes they white-knuckle it through sobriety and never do the deep self-work that recovery calls for.  Sometimes they're so damaged that staying sober is as much as they can do, and further recovery just doesn't happen.  He may have been sober for 26 years and that's as far as he can get.

One of the traits I've noticed in people without a lot of real recovery is that they have trouble with emotions.  They don't know what to do with them and every emotion is like a storm, or sometimes like a hurricane.  They don't know how to "self-soothe."  And the flames are fanned by black-or-white thinking.  If something's bad, it's unbearable; if they love someone, it's meant to be and forever (even before they know them very well); if something goes wrong, it's horrible and nothing can ever be good again.  It sounds as if your ex has some of this thinking going on. All the extravagant promises sound a bit like the other side of the coin for me.  One side is "I'll be there for you forever, 7 generations' worth, I swear" and all that.  The other side is "I'll never be there again, never ever."  I'm getting suspicious of pretty much anyone who declares that they'll know how they'll feel and act for ever and ever! 

As for how he can do these things, I'm remembering the saying "Hurt people hurt people."

Your daughter sounds very distraught.  That's very hard.  I'm noticing how many emotions she's feeling; I'm guessing that's partly because she's already dealing with the things you've referred to with her biological dad.  My son's dad is an alcoholic and not always reliable, though generally they have a good relationship.  But when my son wants to do something with his dad and his dad's having one of his drinking episodes, I say something like, "Well, your dad can't do that right now, he's not making good choices right now," and my son looks a little impatient but then he just goes about his day.  That makes me think that other things above and beyond are going on with your daughter and she's coping with a really heavy load.  I'm so glad you're getting so much help for her.  Neither of you should have to do this without all the support you can get.

I don't know your ex's problems are the result of his alcoholism or alcoholism was the result of his problems.  I do think that the recovery we practice in Al-Anon and CODA, for ourselves and our own lives, can work miracles.  I wish I hadn't had to wait for an alcoholic in my life to find mine. smile



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