bewildered - Al-Anon Family Group

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

bewildered

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Honestly, I don't know the woman and can't say for sure, but is sounds like her identity is wrapped around her son, her mission...and she has very little self-identity. She sounds volatile and that she could turn on you so quick like that suggests borderline personality disorder features. Your spidey sense seems to be reading danger from this person and you have good reason to do so. She is a self-professed rebel with a cause and a zealot - are you surprised she is kind of nutty?

Mark

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, requiring people to take sides is a dysfunctional move. I've known many people who did this and it never had a happy ending. If they're not very careful to detach, people get sucked into a big conflict between one side and the other. The claim "If you were my friend you'd take sides" sounds manipulative to me, the way I see it.

It sounds as if you already had a lot of frustration with your Facebook friend. This frustration about other subjects came out when you were trying to set a boundary with her and got the topic onto other things. Unfortunately it's hard enough to deal with one issue, but when the kitchen sink gets thrown in, it's pretty much impossible. It sounds as if it devolved into people leveling accusations at each other.

It's a long habit of mine, learned from my family growing up, that arguments are about "winning." My mother never wanted to give up until she had proven she was right and also better informed and more sensible than other people. There was only one accurate way of seeing a situation and she had it. It's been very hard to detach myself from this and learn that generally nobody wins in a fight.

Your Facebook friend sounds as if she feels hurt very easily. She was hurt that the other people wrote in French when she doesn't know French. Some people would indeed find that hurtful, some not. The bilingual people I know felt it was impolite to speak a language when people present couldn't understand. On the other hand, you want people to feel free to be who they are. So I'm not sure there's "one right way" in this argument. But your FB friend clearly felt hurt and went on the offensive. Whether or not she's entitled to be hurt, anger tends to stir up anger in others, and it did. Then other people's pent-up frustrations got added to the mix...

I guess that Al-Anon saying "Don't React" might apply here. Other people might be as dysfunctional as the day is long, but I'm learning on the CODA board how easy it is to start taking other people's inventory instead of taking my own. So hard to stay on one's own side of the street.

I hope you're feeling less stressed by now and can keep taking good care of yourself.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi

In reading the encounter I think I feel what was going on I tried to equate it to an al anon meeting where we are all gathered for a common goal. The participant agree to (traditions) ground rules and the Chair person moderates the interactions. No cross talk, timed shares, ending meeting on time etc.

The French exchange between the two started to become unacceptable (even for face book) If you were the moderator then I can understand that she would look to you to draw the boundary and reestablish an appropriate atmosphere for ideas to be exchanged. If you were a participant, It was not your JOB but you could have brought things back by asking that respect for each others be reestablished

That being said, the disagreement between you and this women spiraled way down off the topic to attacks on each of your personal intimate beliefs. Your religion and her mourning of her son some how became fair game.

I belong to a Loss of Adult child message Board and many of the Participants (those there for 1 day and those there for 10 years identify themselves as *******smom. It is the lost child's name and title of Mom that they will not relinquish and it is part of the grief of having lost a child. If you participate on the Board you can choose to use the title or not but Board courtesy requires that there be a live and let live policy.

If I had been involved in this I would have to do a 10th Step on the interaction and find my part, and then own it

Good Luck!!! I do not participate in this type of exchange on Face book because I have heard and seen this happening more often than not

Please take what you like and leave the rest.

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 09:15:39 AM

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

This sounds like a case of "hurt people hurt people" in my opinion. I know that there have definitely been times where I flew off the handle in a rage and directed my anger at someone else - even attacking that person personally. The times that I've done that, I acted the way I did because I felt shamed and insecure and bad about myself. The anger was misdirected when I spewed it all over someone else.

If this is what happened, it does not excuse bad behavior - but may at least explain it. It is hard not to take it personally, I'm sure, but she sounds like she is pretty sick. From my experience, I know that I am not rational when I am sick.

I think you know that you have extreme precious value, and the things she said were not reality. Don't let her insecurity in herself pull you down.

If you already felt like this woman was unhealthy and not adding to your recovery, and you disagreed with her philosophy, maybe there is a blessing somewhere in here that you'll see for what it is somewhere down the line. Maybe it will end up being an HP thing.

Blessings :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sweet Betina, I know exactly where you are. After going thru a couple internet attacks, My adoptive mom taught me to just be quiet! Not get involved, stay neutral. (c: I think you and I have the same types of personality. We love to jump in. But you were wise not to!

We cannot see these people, we really do not know them. Many people are on the net becuz they cannot develope face to face relationships, so they come on here and show us why! or maybe they come to abuse others.

When you are a truly good person, the first time or two it hurts!Also if you are a strong person they love to make up lies and cause messy threads!

I am glad you handled this as you did. others have no right to have expectations of us. We have a right to make our own decisions.

She my dear is a bully. She sounds like she is trying her best to abuse you until you agree with her! Typical person who is using negative attention to get your attention!She wants you to be like her!

We don't care what people like that think. She just showed her true colors. i am sure if you met face to face you would not think of wasting your emotions on her!

So telling you what to do haha, soak in our love, and throw away her bs! huggen ya.deb

We love you here and appreciate your opinions and shares! Makes you, you!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Bettina wrote:
Well, to make a long story short, this woman attacked me and said I should have defended her, she attacked my religion, said I was a fraud, I should have shut down the thread, etc.

I feel your pain and frustration. When people give me their 2 cents and I begin to feel pain, I strived to silently remember the saying: What you think of me is none of my business. I tihnk someone wrote a book with that title, not sure.
Examine your part in it if needed and then let it go. Easier said than done.
Wishing you serenity, Gail

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 12:03:19 PM

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all so much, so much insight.

I guess from me being in it I felt blindsided and unsure if I handled it or if I was too passive.

She did me a favor by unfriending me.

Thanks for your support, Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 12:36:14 PM

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the whole issue of how to deal with "rude" people is indeed an al anon issue. I keep wanting the world to be on my terms rather than on what it is.

I also keep wanting people who are not capable of constructive thought to be considerate of me.

Sometimes it is easier to argue than walk away. Walking away reminds me that I'm alone a lot of the time dealing with issues that are bigger than me.

I know I've been there done that. I've also been in lots of dysfunctional relationships where certain people felt it was okay to hit me below the belt. I spent years wondering why they did that.

I'm gla dyou are here.

Maresie.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

You hit the nail right on the head Maresie, just because we try to be fair, doesnt mean we get treated fairly.

Getting hit below the belt, that really threw me. Thankfully it doesnt happen too often, but when it does, it floors me.

Thank you for being here.

Luv, Bettina

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I take these kinds of conversations just like I do arguments with the A.

I try my best to keep my side of the fence clean - try not to engage, just own my part, whatever part that may be.

I find I get myself into trouble the moment I start using "you" statements, like "You said x" or "You did y" or "You're the one who z". It IS a personal attack the moment I start up with statements like that.

I had an instance yesterday with a co-worker who I recognized was extremely frazzled and looking for someone to blame his frustration on. I was in a meeting with my boss and he asked another colleague to interrupt and have me go see him because of something "urgent". Well, I got out of the conversation with my boss as soon as I could but apparently it wasn't "soon enough" to his standards. He'd left (had to go on a doctor's appointment or something). He didn't leave me a note or anything, so I had to assume that whatever was so urgent wasn't urgent enough that he'd leave me a note about it and I'd find out whatever the problem was when he got back.

Eventually he did get back - he'd been trying to upload an important file that needed to be up earlier in the day and apparently he'd needed me to take over while he went on his appointment. Point of the matter is, he didn't at least leave me a note about it so the file didn't get taken care of. I have to shrug on those sort of things and ask myself the "how important is it?" question. I realized the world would continue revolving around its axis even if the file didn't get taken care of earlier. Oh well.

When he got back he then sent an email copying my boss on it saying he'd uploaded the file finally and that "the file would have been taken care of two hours earlier if I'd come to see him when he'd asked."

I immediately recognized the behavior - the pointing at others and trying to make them responsible for their own misery. The tattling to my boss about it was also another clear indication of someone trying to transfer their miserable feelings off on someone else. Fortunately my boss is a reasonable person (I swear she follows Al-Anon philosophy very well, despite not being an Al-Anon member), she looked at me and shrugged her shoulders and said "you tried to get out of here as soon as you could."

I replied to his email and kept it neutral. Just thanked him for taking care of the file and told him that I tried to see him as soon as I was able but unfortunately missed him. I stayed clear of saying things like "you should have left me a note."

He later came to me and I could still tell he was looking to pick a fight and I again just kept things neutral, agreed with him on some of his other frustrations and thanked him for his hard work. Completely took the wind out of his sails. Really, how can someone respond with anger and look justified when the person they're talking to is being calm, understanding and neutral?

Thank goodness for Al-Anon.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

It's my thinking that people who act in that manner are just not very developed in life or haven't worked through some of their stuff. I just attempt to keep my side of the street clean. That way I have nothing to be sorry for and can wish them peace and walk away.

The last time I verbally wished someone peace they freaked out with a onslaught of rage....and I kept walking. I guess they didn't understand that I truly meant it, but I knew I did and that's what mattered.

J.A.D.E.=do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

Christy

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Man...that would be a strong invitation to practice a Mother Teresa slogan..."Love Anyways". Just reading your post brought that up for me. What else would I do to retain my peace of mind and serenity? Practice Bettina...practice. ((((hugs)))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Christy thats exactly what I told her twice. I wished her peace and that enraged her even more....she kept right on . I like the J.A.D.E, never
heard it before.

Thanks Jerry, I know what your saying, that will take practice and more practice.

Hugs, Betty

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