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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> this is WAY bigger than me.. call the cops?
Post Info TOPIC: this is WAY bigger than me.. call the cops?
Loupiness


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this is WAY bigger than me.. call the cops?
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I have been posting about my 17 yr old son and how he is living with a friend right now.  I will save the regret and guilt I have about this for another post, for I really need some guidance right now.

We were following the guidance of a counselor who suggested we do different than we always have, and allow our son to figure it out and come home.  It was supposed to be a temporary situation while we got counseling.  The mother knew where I stood and I thought she would either send him back or go make him get a job and be responsibe.   It didn't work. None of it. What none of us knew is that my son went into a home where all his needs are met, and then some.  He was put into a home of total freedom of pot, alcohol and sex, and it essentially happened with my permission  disbelief  Now I need to get him home and some help.

My son's friend has a sister that is my daughter's good friend and she comes over once a week or so.  I have been slowly fishing for info, but tonight it came to me.  She confided in me and asked for help.  She wants her family back. We've known this kids since kindergarten.  I was familiar with the mom.  The party behavior with the boys began in about November.  Before then this kid was a really good student and somewhat of a homebody. She told me that her mom is supplying my son and other minors with pot, cigarettes and I think alcohol.  She allows girls to spend the night.  There are bongs all over the house.  The girl said her mom takes care of all his needs, but only has $35 in her checking account.  Even worse, and this is hard for me to even say, but the girl said the mom gives my son foot rubs and it creeps her out.  She said my son is mean to her, and her mom doesn't care.She said she just doesnt know why my son is more important than her and that she thinks the mom is afraid  that if he is kicked out that he wont come home. The mom reads my son all the texts I sent to her. The grandfather built a little house on the property and pays the mother every month.  Apparently he is livid, but cannot do anything since it is not his property.  However, she said that he is also upset at me for not contributing financially.   The girl spoke of how the grandpa told the mom that they could all lose everything if the authorities found out what was going on. I promised this girl I would help.  I said I would go to the student assistance counselor, but folks, this is way beyond the help of the school.

We live in a small town.  I am familiar with the cops, and actually they are very appreciative for my exAH in that he has done many favors for them.  I think I need to tell them.  Can I be an anonymous tip? I know the ramifications are huge for the family and for my son.  I know my son could be charged, but it is only going to get worse from here.  I want to protect this girl and her grandpa, but how can I do that and protect my son too?  I have calls out to my brothers, one is a cop in a neighboring town and one is a defense attorney.  It will be interesting to see what they have to say, for they both come from the side that calling the cops can have so many ramifications for both the caller and the one being called on, that you don't do it unless it is a last resort.

My other thought is that I go there and tell son he is coming home or else I will call the cops, but isn't that blackmail?

Its going to be a long night.  I have really been trying to use my alanon skills on this one.  I have given it up and taken it back many times.  I'm thinking God may not want this one anymore.  What would you do?  I don't think I can wait any longer.

Lou

Closed post - not our intention to give advice on this board, and several responses so far. If you want to give direct advice, please do it via a PM to Lou, or others.  Respectfully,

Tom



-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 04:22:18 PM

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Mattie


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I am so sorry to hear about this situation. 

If I were choosing what to do, I would want to know as much about the consequences of calling the cops as possible before acting.  It sounds as if the calls you have in to people who know will be informative.

I don't think saying that you will call the cops if your son comes home is "blackmail," which is demanding money for not revealing something incriminating.  It's more like leverage. 

The thing is, though, what you do after he comes home.  Do you have a family counselor? This sounds too big to be handled without a lot of expert guidance. Your son is sadly off the rails and old enough that he can make a lot of choices (run away, etc.) that you can't wholly control. So what you say and what you aim for are more complicated than if he were younger. This is a situation none of us should have to make up on our own. I know it's very hard to get a great counselor at short notice, but having one would be so helpful.  Otherwise I would be scared that you might get him home but all the other problems would be the same.

In your shoes, I think I would hold off from the "nuclear option" (calling the cops) till I were really sure what was going to happen next and I had a plan for all the options, with the support of a good counselor.

It's a tough situation no matter what.  I'm glad you have the support of Al-Anon. Keep coming back.



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pinkchip


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We are not supposed to tell each other what to do but here are some suggestions. Tell your son to come home. Tell the woman you want him to come home. If they say no, tell them you are calling the police and listing him as a runaway. Then proceed to call the police and and list him as a runaway. This way, if and when they go out to get him and they find drugs, that is on him. You trusted this lady to keep a decent house for you son so if the police find stuff to the contrary, that is on her. You are merely reporting him as a runaway who refuses to come home.

If and when you get your son's attention, you might inform him that with 1 addict parent, he has a 50 percent chance of becoming an addict and the signs he is showing thus far are not promising.

Of course I know all these actions could backfire in your face, but things are not going well now so....

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canadianguy


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Wow, a million different things going on for you Lou, and I feel WAY out of my element to offer anything in the way of helpful advice.  What I would say is - check your motives.  Make sure whatever you do, whether it is leaving things to your HP, making the call to the authorities, or something in between - is done with true and honorable intentions.  In my opinion, making the call to the police - anonymous or not - WILL come back on you, and it could, in fact, drive your son even further away....

 

Wish I could offer more help, but this is a tough one, for a lot of reasons...

 

Tom



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likemyheart


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Hello Lou - I hope you see the relevance in this:

When I was a teenager, mom never let me do anything while my younger sister did what she pleased. It didn't make sense to me - I was a good student, going to graduate, got almost straight A's without bringing books home, and never got in to any trouble at school but I couldn't be trusted out of mom's reach. My younger sister, did not graduate (but is fine in her life now), partied a lot, smoked pot & cigarettes, stayed out late, chronically flunked classes, snuck in late/early etc and Mom didn't do much to try to stop her. Me, my one act of rebellion as a senior brought the preacher to the house but sis was left alone to sneak in and out and do whatever she wanted. Didn't make sense. Decades later sis and I are talking about it and her point of view was that mom didn't care enough about her to stop her. Wow, for her it wasn't about trust, it was about love.

Fast forward to my own teenager at 13, stinking to high heaven from sneaking cigarettes - I confronted her and she confessed and I went away and thought about it - what should I do? let it alone and hope she decides on her own to not smoke? NO. After a long night thinking about it I decided that I had to stop her, it was up to me as her mother to stop her from making this mistake with her life. I got up the next morning and sat her down for a real talk about it, ending with what I would do if she continued. Maybe because she knew I would do as I said but it worked and she lives her life smoke-free. Not the same as pot smoking some might say, but same concept - parent willing to do whatever it takes to save child from harm.

You KNOW that what is going on is wrong morally, ethically, and legally. If the counselor said to let him go live with people who are doing illegal drugs then the counselor needs replaced. WE are the adults in our children's lives; we have to whatever it takes in order to save our kids from the dangers out there. I would rather have an angry live son than the alternative.

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flopadopilus


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Wow it sounds like you have some chaos going on surrounding your son, sorry that you are having to deal with this. I was reading something last night about handing things to your HP and spending quiet time with him until you feel he answers. It helped me with what I was seeking last night and maybe it could help you. Try to turn it over and let Him (HP) handle it and don't react until you get the answer that feels right. I hope this helps, I am just telling you exactly what I just did in a hectic situation and it actually helped. I am terrible and handing things over to HP and leaving them in His hands because I am not only a control freak, but I have trust issues with even my HP I am realizing. I will say a prayer for you.

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Debilyn


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If it were my son....

What would you do if they had him hanging by a rope over a lake of alligators? Or riding on top of a car going fast?

Hey that sounds like some child abuse is going on Seen it a hundred times. Its typical that a child will be mean to the adult abusing them, as they think it shows nothing is going on..

Consequenses for behavior!! What is happening is illegal. he knows this, he is learning it is ok!

He is hanging over a precipice! He is in a horribly dangerous situation. Having them busted is NOTHING compared to what is going on now!He is a "child!!!" Just becuz they have big bodies does not change this! He cannot make good decisions yet, his brain is still developing!]

Well you know what I would do. I would get him home, and have rehab arranged for him to go to. they need to be around people who will guide him in his development. Give him another experience.

My son as you know was where yours is. I have NO regrets for grabbing his young bum and getting him into rehab. My boy showed his true colors, all the wonderful growth he got before the mess started came out. He is 35 now, going thru tough stuff with A wife. rrrrr but he is handling it with integrity, and not using drugs or hiding from it.

With the love you have for your son, I KNOW he is a good kid! He has parents, so  I believe we need to be their parents.

I love you lou. you know that. I am here for you no matter what. debilyn



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GailMichelle


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Hi Lou,

Our sons' lives have a lot of similarities, which we have shared through PMs.  However, I did not have to deal with what you shared in this post.  Be thankful that you have your brothers' professional input.  I pray that you will find a solution to help your son.

Be kind to yourself in the process as much as possible.  We hold you and your son in our prayers.  Gail



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Mattie


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Thinking this over some more -- one question for me would be whether you trust this current counselor or want to move on to another one.  I had assumed that you didn't trust this current one, but I don't know how much this one knows.  If the counselor already knows that this family is heavy on drugs and alcohol and still thinks your son should come home in his own time, then to my mind you'd be right to move on and find a better counselor quick.  But maybe this counselor was figuring the family your son is with was a stable family and your son was safe there.  I do know someone whose son did a similar thing and lived with another family for a while and got his head straight and came home and moved on.  So it doesn't sound impossible to me that the plan might work with a good family.  But obviously this does not sound like a good family.

It seems to me that the ideal thing would be to reduce the adversarial outlook your son has.  And calling the cops would probably do the opposite.  So calling the cops would be a last-ditch kind of thing. Because you don't just want him home, you want him willing to work things out and get back on track.

This other famly clearly has major, major problems. It's hard not to feel infuriated that they're so caught up in dysfunction.  But that's for HP to deal with.

Sorry I don't have any more constructive thoughts.  Keep on taking care of yourself.



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freeagain


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There are illegal things happening and if MY child were involved I would call the cops. No question. The consequences for those DOING illegal things would be dealt with. But, if they weren't DOING illegal things then they would not have to worry about any consequences.

 

My kid was in a situation not too long ago. I hauled her butt to the local police staion. I made a BIG ole stink about ALL of it. Ofcourse the cops were kind of like "kids do drugs. Kids have sex....lady, it's not THAT big of a deal" I was like "HELL YES IT IS!!!!" and the thing is, my kid isn't doing anything that I didn't do as a teen....the difference is I CARE. And I am going to do everything in my power to keep her safe. Period. No explanations needed. I love her enough to let her hate me for being the parent. And anyone who wants to get in my way, anyone who wants to contribute to MY child being a derelict or harm MY child's health will rue the day.

I know that sounds harsh and maybe not alanonish, but, when it comes to my kids, the gloves are off. I am not embarrassed to involve the authorities ESPECIALLY when other kids are in abusive alcoholic homes and there are illegal things occuring.

DO you think maybe HP gave you this info so that you can do the footwork on this situation?



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hotrod


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Lou
 
 I do not want to be the Devil's Advocate here  but I need to ask-- How do you know that what this girl is telling you is true?  
 
  You have known  this Mom since your children were in Kindergarten .  That is a long time!!!   Your daughter is best friends with this young girl and she  has never thought of the girl as not being  well grounded and sensible.  You agreed to let your son stay there because you felt it was safe.  For example , She may be reading your emails to him to MAKE SURE he reads them and does  not siply delete them.
 
 Children exaggerate (lie) especially if they feel that someone has replaced them in the family  Right now this is all gossip and hear say.  
 
Before I did anything I would make an appointment  to see this mom and put the cards on the table.  Then I would talk to son with the same honesty.  After those discussions I  believe your position  would be clear and you would know the next right action
 
Praying for you peace.


-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 02:29:54 PM

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maresie


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I owuld agree with  Betty.  This girl has every reason to blow up the situation.  Who really knows what is going on?

There is no doubt that there are a lot of different stories about what is going on and what kind of structure is there.  The issue with any of this is that there has to be proof, pictures, signs of alcohol, drugs whatever.  Words don't actually mean much. 

Of course you are worried sick about your son.  Of course you are concerned where he is.  I don't know what your son's monetary situation is or even how he is managing but at some point he is going to come back to you to ask for some.

Many of us go through this with someone who has a substance abuse issue.  My younger sister ran away from home when she was 16.  She ran to work in a bar.  This is pretty typical. I'm glad you are here and willing to look at what your options are rather than over react.

 

Maresie.

 



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maresie
Jerry F


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Sis...I PM'ed you on this.  (((hugs))) smile



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