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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Expectations
Post Info TOPIC: Expectations
searching4peace


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Expectations
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Have you ever realised that sometimes the exact piece of advice you need is the one you find yourself giving to someone else.  I am always grateful for those moments when I hear myself say something to someone and it seems to take on a bit of a ring.  It reverberates in my head.  And I realize that it is the answer I have been searching for.

My AH is working a program of sorts.  Attending meetings 5 days a week and counseling.  Things around our home are better than they have been in nearly a decade.  He is not just sober.  He is present.  Engaged.  Participating in family life.  Give of his time, attention and affection to the children and I.  Is it perfect?  Hell no!  Is it better than I ever imagined?  You bet.  I'm loving it.  Every single second of it.  But I still find myself feeling antsy, on edge, and disapointed somehow.  But I couldn't place my finger on what exactly was bothering me.  Until a talk with my daughter shed some light on the subject.

She had been reading my Courage To Change book and we were talking about what she thought of it.  Was it helpful to her?  Did it make sense?  How could she apply the concepts in the book to every day life?  And the topic of expectations came up.  Specifically the idea that pain is the result of unmet expectations.  And that letting go of our expectations of others can be freeing.  And it can help us to avoid a lot ef emotional pain.  

It was in the middle of the conversation that I realized that it went both ways.  Expecting something 'good' and then not having it materialize is painful.  But so in a way is expecting something 'bad' and not having it materialize.  It's a different kind of pain it causes.  But a pain none the less.  The wasted time and energy of looking for things to go wrong.  And the missed opportunity to enjoy the good times while they are here.  And that hollow empty feeling of looking for something and not finding it.  

I realized that I had only removed one set of expectations from my husband.  I had removed any expectations for him to do 'good' because it hurt be so much when he didn't.  But instead of living expectation free I had instead simply replaced those expectations with other ones.  Expectations of failure and pain.  I was enjoying every moment, but not because I was accepting each moment for what it was.  I was trying to cram in every good moment I could before the bad ones came.

I'm not sure what to do with this revelation.  I'm still mulling it over.  But awareness is the forerunner of change.  So I'm glad to at least be aware of what is causing my anxiety at the moment.  



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Jennifer


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hello Searching,

Thank you for sharing today. I had never thought of expectations in this way before. I did work on my fear and anxiety of always waiting for the other shoe to fall but not how that expectation not being fulfilled may have kept me from enjoying being in moment. It's a good topic and will give me a chance to meditate on my role in the cycle of various situations in a new way.

Jen

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canadianguy


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Hi Searching... that is a wonderful revelation, and reminds me of one of our slogans, that my sponsor used to ask me almost every time on every problem:  "what is my part in it?"

 

Good stuff 

 

Tom



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pineapple


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Oh, I can so relate to your post. My ah went on a terrible binge earlier this month. It's now over a week since he's had a drink. Things have been so much better between us, I love having my ¨real¨ guy back instead of his evil, drunk twin. I keep telling myself not to expect this to last, to just enjoy each good moment as it comes. You wrote ¨I was trying to cram in every good moment I could before the bad ones came¨ and I realize I've been doing the same thing. That tells me I have to not have ANY expectations at all. Don't expect the good times to last, because they may not. On the other hand, I have to learn not to expect the bad times to come back(which I have been doing), because maybe they won't. NO expectations. Geeze, that's going to be hard, but I can do it. Because you're right, awareness IS the forerunner of change. Thanks for sharing your awareness.

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Debilyn


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You my dear have been given a huge gift. My life has been so much better in so many ways. One way is not having any expectations. Loving people as is with all the mess and mistakes. I don't trust or mistrust.

For me its not then thinking of the bad, its learning to take things as they come. So another gift is, we learn not to worry. We cannot control anyone anyway so why set ourselves up.

Feels better to love someone as they are. If I cannot accept them then usually they are toxic for me so I end the relationship.

So great you shared your progress, thank you!!! love,deb



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Cloudsea


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Thanks so much for your share.  I had truly never thought of expectations this way.  I have learned not to have expectations of my now sober AH that are good, but I totally agree with you that I shouldn't have dread of expectations that are bad.  Hmmm, food for thought.  Thank you.



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delhommefan


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Thank you for sharing this. I think this helped me have a revelation too. I wrote a blog on expectations today and it really helped open my eyes. CONGRATS to you on your revelation!



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abbyal


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I have had the privelge of speaking at several conventions and have experieced what your post was about many times , as I share my story I think wow I am not doing *that* and give my head a shake so go home and start over again . funny how if were listening not only to others but to what were saying that light bulb goes on >> gotta love it . Louise



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