The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
From the little bit of reading I've done on detachment, I've done nothing more than confuse myself. Is it in a physical or emotional form? Both? Can I remove myself from my relationship but still be there to provide occassional support and still consider myself 'detached?' Again, I'm confused.
Love them support thier efforts at sobriety , just dont get involved in thier stuff . when we can seperate what is ours to fix and what to leave for them our lives get easier, separating physically is a choice only you can make ,when I learned to look after my own life and leave him to live his life the way he chose I could live with the alcoholic and get happy regardless of what he is doing . If you can get adetachment pamphlet at your meeting there are great suggestions on how to do that in a healthy way . Louise
Aloha Amanda...for me detachment is an art form and that comes from having the same and more questions as you stated here. It takes time to learn and once I learned it I used it in my entire life not just because and for an alcoholic being there drinking or not.
Detachment helps me be responsible for my life and how it goes, what I do and the consequences and ongoing choices without letting other people, places and things disturb my responsibility. I was not and am now not responsible for the lives of others and their outcomes. God didn't hand me a list of people's names who I was supposed to care for because they were not doing the job themselves.
Detachment happens on all levels where necessary...mind, body, spirit and emotions. I learned detachment first with anger...anger was the power and motivation for me to stay at arms length from my alcoholic wife...then I detached with disinterest which was unkind lots of times because I devaluated her in the process and held a self righteous attitude toward her...both anger and disinterest run counter to being loving so both were very hard on me and my spirit and then I learned detachment with love..."Love is the complete and total acceptance of all other human beings for exactly who they are". My alcoholic wife was human and had very good points and abilities and she was alcoholic...she wasn't only alcoholic and alcoholism isn't a moral issue it is a disease. Detachment with love is great as I learn to allow others the dignity of their choices and consequences. When I allowed my alcoholic that dignity the battle was over and her disease couldn't and wouldn't hurt me any longer.
Detachment? Keep coming back cause you won't learn that over night. It takes the "p" tools...patience and persistence and program to learn it.
For me, detachment is not doing for someone else what they are capable of doing. For example, if my AH needs to go to the doctor for some reason, I let him pick up the phone and make the appointment and then get himself there. If he needs to call in sick to work, I let him pick up the phone and do that. It doesn't mean that I never do nice things for him - like, today I saw that he was running late and made his lunch because I knew he wanted to take his lunch and didn't have time to make it. Nothing wrong with that - it didn't cause me to be late. It just means that I recognize that my AH is an adult and capable of taking care of his own needs. He does not need me to figure out what his needs are and then take over making sure they get met.
Detachment for me also means letting go of the outcomes of things. When I do something, I do it freely and without expecting that my actions are going to influence the outcome. For example, if I pick up the phone and call my mom (an active alcoholic) to tell her that I love her and that I've been worried about her because she seems ill, I do this because it is on my heart and I want her to know how I feel. I do not do this with the expectation that my words are going to change anything about the choices she makes. I am entitled to my feelings - whatever they are - but if I don't detach from outcomes I just end up with expectations. Expectations are future resentments. Resentments make me sick.
Detachment means that I pay attention to why MY needs are and make it my business to meet those needs instead. I think the word "detachment" has kind of a cold and negative connotation, but I don't believe it has to be cold or negative. It's possible to be warm and positive and still remain detached.
