The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I attended my first Al Anon meeting tonight. I was unsure what to expect, but I think I liked it and plan to attend another tomorrow night. After leaving my A bf of 2 years this weekend, I've felt a range of emotion. I've been angry, hurt, motivated, guilty. After attending the meeting tonight, I felt even more sure that I made the right decision in leaving him. Unlike some in my meeting tonight, this is not a family member-I love him, but we are not married, we have no children. I have nothing besides my feelings for him to hold me in place. After hearing some of the people speak tonight about their parents' and spouse's drinking, I was again reminded that this is the future that I do not want for myself and any children we would have if I stayed with him.
The main feeling that I continue to fight with is guilt. Guilt that I'm not going to be around to be supportive to him in his recovery, guilt that I'm 'dumping' this on his elderly parents to deal with, guilt that I'm putting me and my feelings first. I continually have to remind myself throughout the day that I can only control me and my decisions, and that I deserve to put my feelings first.
Thanks for listening. Does anyone have any input on feeling guilty, specifically moving past it? I still love him more than anything, and I know that he loves me as well, but I also know that us not being together is what is best for me and my wellbeing.
I'm so, so happy to know that you've begun attending meetings. I encourage you to continue, so you can work through your feelings with support from those who understand.
From my 56 years of living, I now realize that it is not selfish to take care of myself by honoring my feelings, even when honoring them bring great disappointment to others that I love. If you learn that early in life, you've cleared a huge hurdle.
Please, please continue to attend meetings and don't let guilt factor into your decisions. How to deal with guilt depends on the individual. Trust that you will find your way to do so.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Congrats to you for making this huge step! I left my ex-AH 3 years ago and didn't seek help through Al-Anon even though it was suggested. It wasn't until I got involved with yet another addict that made me realize how much I needed this. I also just started attending last week and two meetings have had a huge impact. I can't wait to go again tomorrow! As for the guilt, I don't really have any personal suggestions, but I think Al-Anon will help. In the years that followed my separation from my husband, I carried a lot of guilt around. It's only in the past month while posting on this board, reading the Al-Anon material, and attending meetings that I finally feel like the guilt is going away. Hearing other people's stories like you spoke of validate why I left, and that it was the right decision for me. Now I am dealing with a similar relationship to yours. Only my current BF is a cocaine addict. He has been sober for a long time but doesn't work a program. He thinks he can do it on his own and he slipped up this weekend. The group is helping me focus on myself and make the decisions I need to make for me, without the guilt.
Stick with it...it works! And congrats to you again!
As for the guilt - I think it typically stems from a beat up and worn down self esteem.... Part of our Al-Anon guilt is seeded somehow in the "I don't deserve happiness" conondrum, which is, of course, false....
If you believe the three C's - then it goes logically that you can't be held responsible for another adult's life, well being, or happiness...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Amanda...welcome to the family and the rooms we meet in. It is good and helpful for you to be here for us because it helps us to stay in with our recovery journeys. Thanks; and that you enjoyed the meeting too is icing on the cake. Welcome to MIP too and keep coming back. In support ((((hugs))))
Welcome Amanda, You found the right place! Keep coming here and going to meetings and find some Al-anon materials to read. I have experienced the most growth since finding Al-anon and reading the books and literature I have gotten from meetings and people dealing with Al-anon. I also read a book "Codependant No More" written by Melody Beattie. I also need reminders so I often have to repeat the serenity prayer throughout my day along with other Al-anon slogans. Keep coming back!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
If you can follow the suggestions of try six or more meetings before making a decision if alanon is for you. Alanon is a simple program that takes awhile to seep in. Keep coming back to your F2F meetings and you will hear what you need in the rooms to answer your question.
