After all the fear of my exah, which I later figured out was actually fear of myself reverting back to pre AlAnon days ... I have been in contact with my exah and am just fine. My side of the road is pretty normal, busy with work, school, working on myself and my moostiff. Over on his side of the road, a treatment center that has made an impression, medication for mental health stability and for alcohol craving (I never knew one existed) and active participation in AA including all day volunteer work ... wow, I am speechless which I should be speechless anyway so it's a good thing After a few phone calls and having lunch together I have agreed to let him come by my home to visit with me and see Sully.

Is it a smart decision? I do not know but I am ok with that.

I enjoyed talking with him sober for the first time in many years. I do not feel love like I once did ... but I don't know if that was love or desperation to keep my life the way it was at that time. I know this will sound very strange but I have started to measure love with how I feel about my pets, I KNOW I love my pets, always have and it is a healthy emotion. So when I think of a person if I can feel that pure love then I do love them if it does not feel like that pure love then I do not. It is something else, caring, affection but something else. Anyway my exah is a stranger to me ... I can not even say it is caring anymore than I care about any fellow human being. It is really like talking to a stranger who I somehow know most of their life story. If these habits and outlooks stay consistent I think maybe someday I could be friends with this person and if I see signs of what constitues red flags to me then I know what to do for myself just like I would with any other person I met.

Thanks for listening.

Jen