Not sure hpw much more I can take!!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

delhommefan · Veteran Member

Not sure hpw much more I can take!!!!

sick-and-tired · Member

first off.

Lots of luv and hugs going your way. *hug*

I'm sorry you are experiencing this right now. Its not easy..I know.

First thing you mentioned. The Distance. I understand how hard that can be. My boyfriend has been incarcerated for the past 2 years. Lonely nights? You bet. It's important to keep communication open..and well..the love strong. "Distance is not for the fearful. It is for the bold. It is for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It is for those knowing a good thing when they see it...even if they don't see it nearly enough"

As for his slip up. All I can say is that I'm truly sorry. I am in no position to give advice, as I feel just as lost on what to do at times. I think when you love an addict...and you actively choose to stick with it...in a sense you have to accept it for what it is. He is an addict. No one can change that man but HIMSELF. Change is only an option when the person is willing to accept that. That's why it is so hard on us, because well....we are just guilty of loving them, and their actions hurt not only themselves...but us too.

Just take a deep breath. Take a step back...just absorb everything all in. Don't make any decisions on impulse, and most importantly..worry about YOU and your child. set your own feelings and emotions first.

I will keep you in my thoughts..and I'm sending lots of hugs your way.

You are strong. We are all strong. But sometimes we need a little time to feel weak. *hug* That's why were all here.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to..vent to..cry to...I know its hard.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

delhommefan wrote:
I cannot put myself through this again. Do I run away or do I just continue working my program and wait to make a choice? I know Al-Anon is not about giving advice...I guess I am just posting this as a question to vent. I don't know what to do. I am strong...I really am. I have a little girl, and I am a young person with a lot going for me. I DO NOT NEED THIS! I love him, but I don't need it. Lori

Hi D

I agree You have a great deal going for you and you do not have to put yourself thru this again. You are attending alanon meetings so continue to do so. This is where I learned how to respond, live one day at a time, focus on myself and live my life with dignity, courage, and wisdom

Continue doing what you are doing. It is not easy. Learning new tools, letting go of destructive behavior is hard but with the fellowship of alanon it can be done and you are worth it

Thanks for sharing the journeyi

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 26th of March 2011 11:08:00 PM

ythannah · Senior Member

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened, Lori.

Oddly enough, the distance is a good thing in this situation, because it gives you the freedom to defer making a decision. You don't have the immediacy of a SO who is using right here right now in your home.

This reminds me a lot of the position I was in about a year and a half ago with my ABF, wondering how much longer I could continue to hope for sobriety -- was I backing a lost cause?

Keep putting yourself and your child first, and continue working your program. No matter what happens, you will be just fine.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Lori,

It's never easy loving and alcoholic/addict. You have been in the program only a short time. Your first topic posted on Feb. 12th was titled "Not Sure I'm In The Right Place". A little over one month later we both know you are in the right place. Your going to meetings, using the tools of the program, giving your ES&H to others on the MIP board, and your program has continued to get stronger.

Now is the time to fall back on your program, talk to HP, read your literature, call an Al-Anon friend, and use the tools the program has given you. You mentioned you are trying hard not to react. In the past that would be a given. By not reacting (my favorite slogan) doing the opposite of what you might have done in the past you have your serenity, and peace of mind. Reacting want change anything. We are powerless over alcohol.....but our life does not have to become unmanageable. We have to control the only person we have control over. With program we know doing the opposite allows the disease to win.

Keep taking care of yourself first.

Double HUG,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 26th of March 2011 08:58:37 PM

-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 26th of March 2011 10:37:38 PM

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Lori,

From How AlAnon Works, "In fact, we suggest that newcomers to AlAnon make no major decisions for some time after coming to AlAnon, because we find our perspective on our circumstances undergoes a dramatic change during that time."

The book phrased it much better than I could have

My perpective of my life changed dramatically after I started placing the focus on myself rather than my exah. After going in one direction for so many years suddenly I was going the opposite way. I did come to understand myself and what aspects of addictive behavior I could and could not live with by working my program and seeing what recovery looked like by fellow AlAnon members and friends in AA. Unfortunately my exah's progression left me no alternative but to make the decision to divorce. Taking the time suggested allowed me to learn to detach and react differently than I had before which allowed me to make those hard decisions without second guessing or regrets. That is important to me.

On the who found who part, my finder was off kilter and I was worse at being a findee. After much time spent learning to appreciate my life now and what i value in it (my time, activities, peace, privacy) I know that many qualities I once thought meant someone loved me were actually not love ... some of them have even become red flags Sometimes I find it very odd just how much my views have changed LOL

I'm sorry you had this happen today, keep trying to practice your tools. The answers and serenity you seek will appear. Take care of you.

Jen

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lori, I am sorry to hear this has happened. Keep taking care of you and your daughter and take things a minute at a time until you can take it an hour at a time and than a day at a time. You have found Al-anon face to face did you find a sponsor yet? I will pray to my HP for you right now! Repeat the serenity prayer and try to hand it over to your HP if you can, He can handle all things.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Gentle Reminder: you can't control the uncontrollable, nor will allowing yourself to become livid fix him. But you certainly can control how you respond to all this. Continuing your program is your best bet.

I truly understand (we all do) what it feels like when our loved one chooses hurtful behaviors. I lived with it for 36 years and have accepted that I had to let him go.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 27th of March 2011 12:22:12 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry to hear this. As awful as this news is, I can see some "good" things about it. (I always hated being told there was anything "good" about awful news, so bear with me a moment, I don't mean to say you need to act happy, I certainly wouldn't!) The first is that you already have some recovery under your belt so you are in a better place to make choices for your future serenity. The second is, as someone mentioned, that the long-distance means you have some space to think about things before reacting. The third is that he told you straight out instead of your having to work it out over a difficult situation of long distance and not knowing.

The Al-Anon slogan is "Don't React," and that's useful for those of us who have a history of having a big reaction and then regretting it later.

I do also know, though, that my response to people with big problems has often been, "I should find a way to understand and be sympathetic." It's as if I'm looking for an excuse to stay around the person. I know two people who were with someone who turned out to have big problems. One was involved with a nice divorced suburban businessman with a teen daughter that he took to cheerleading practice and so forth. It turned out that behind this wholesome facade he was doing crank. When she found out she broke up with him, just like that: it was a deal-breaker for her. The other one was engaged to a guy -- wedding planned and everything -- when he got drunk one night, raged around, and put his fist through a door. It was the first time she had ever seen him drunk. She broke up with him for good, just like that. When I heard these stories, back before I had some recovery, the copdendent in me thought, "But shouldn't she have heard their side ... maybe with a little understanding ... she chose to be alone like that?! maybe she could have helped them ..." I didn't see such unhealthy behavior as a deal-breaker. Of course, that's why I ended up with an alcoholic. They get passed on from person to person until someone finally signs up for the rollercoaster ride. It's like I didn't believe I qualified for a healthy person so I'd take a destructive one and try to hang on. Boy, I wish I'd seen those things as deal-breakers too, back when.

So my point is just that "Don't React" doesn't mean that you have to stay with him if you don't want to. The way I see it, it means don't fly off the handle and have a hasty reaction without thinking it through. When you choose a course of action, think it through and be clear that you're protecting yourself. That's how I understand it.

Whatever you choose, remember to put your serenity first. Hugs.

-- Edited by Mattie on Sunday 27th of March 2011 07:45:41 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Only an addict or alcoholic is going to be in a hole and dig themselves deeper. I am sure that the stress with his father being ill was the trigger. That doesn't mean you have to enable him. 1 slip in 2 and a half years is still too many (at least in my mind). On the other hand, at least he trusted you enough to tell the truth...and he does have a pretty clear stressor (albeit a lame excuse to relapse) in this instance.

There are no easy answers.

Why do these people find you? Probably an unconscious draw you have due to your upbringing. Also cuz you don't go running the minute they say they have a problem. Lots of folks would hear the work cocaine and that would be a red flag enough to end things. Not saying that makes them better or worse. You just have a higher threshhold and tolerance for it because of what you've been through I guess.

Sorry this happened :(

delhommefan · Veteran Member

You all are so right! Thank you for your responses. I am pretty angry about all of this today. I am doing my best not to react. He told me to call him today. I told him I didn't know if I could talk to him. I am angry and I don't want to say something I will regret. I may just need to not talk to him for a while and sort through all this. I want to be there for him given the circumstances with his Dad, but like Mattie was saying, some things are just a deal-breaker. Having suffered through this before with my ex-AH and promising myself never again, I feel like I have to be true to that promise to myself. I am empathetic because I know it's an addiction. But he doesn't understand that. He knows it's an addiction, and yes, he has always been honest with be about it. But that won't stop him from doing it. He still doesn't grasp that he cannot control this. He is beating himself up for making the choice to slip up and saying how he didn't have to make that choice. This is true, but without a program or treatment, he will continue to use every time something bad happens. He has to know that.

Mattie-I appreciate your response about the "good" of the situation. Even though I am pissed, I still can see that. I am proud of myself for not reacting poorly like I would have in the past. I am proud of myself for not feeling guilt, or like there was something I could do to prevent this. I know I am powerless. That's a big step in the right direction.

And pinkchip-I also agree that I attract these people because of my upbringing/tolerance. I am a hopelessly optimistic person and I always see the best in people. I believe all people CAN be good and CAN change. Problem is, that's not always the case. I need to get a tighter grip on reality sometimes. Just because I can control my own responses, it doesn't mean others can do the same.

Thanks everyone!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Lori, he is an addict. You knew that hon. He only did what is natural for having this horrible disease.

It is his disease you are mad at not him. And is it going to change anything to be mad at a disease?

No use talking to him. What would you get out of it?

When we love an A, we need to decide if we can take all the symptoms the addict can and most times will have.

How can we react to that which is part of their disease?

If a diabetic has a low blood sugar attack and acts crazy are we surprised? no, do we get mad? no

When a person has brain surgery, and wakes up brain damaged and mean, do we blame the person or the fact they had brain surgery gone bad?

In time these things come clear. I was very mad at my husband after I saw how badly brain damaged he was, things he did. But over time and using my al anon tools, I came to have great compassion for him. As I do for all addicts.

They did not choose this horrible malady.

When we finally believe that, that is part of our recovery. We let go, we accept as is, then we decide if we can live with it.

I chose not to as my A I knew was dead. This horrible monster that was left is so physically abusive from the brain damage, and wet brain.

Hope this makes some things easier for you. I believe we need to accept people as is. If I can't, I leave the relationship.

I wish I had had your good sense when I was young!

so glad you stuck here! love,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Debilyn about the futility of getting mad. It sure doesn't help the addict, or else there'd be no addiction.

I'm not perfect at recovery, so take this with a grain of salt, but I think it's fair to feel anger at the awfulness of addiction. Wonderful people get sucked into the hole of insanity and many never find their way out again. It's tragic. And we get sucked in too and have to haul ourselves out. Being angry longterm won't help, but I think it's natural to feel aghast in the short term. For one thing, it helps give us some distance. When we get stuck in the anger, that's a problem.

He has a disease like diabetes, and though you wouldn't be mad at someone for having diabetes, if they refused to take their insulin and kept, say, passing out while driving and endangering people, or declaring that they were above diabetes and didn't need insulin because they could control their blood sugar through willpower ... well, I do think it would be appropriate to hold them responsible. Anybody can be dealt a bad hand in life -- being liable to addiction, or being liable to loving addicts. It's what you do with your hand that matters. That's how I see it.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can tell you that after a number of years in this program that I can still certainly find many an alcoholic and addict. The difference these days is that I don't any longer believe I can fix them or that they can be 'there" for me on any emotional level. I certainly can still like them, find them attractive and be intrigued by their issues. But these days my emotional survival, my well being is not up for sale. Do I slip up and down and slide all over the place, certainly from time to time I do. At the same time I have absolutely no illusions about what an alcoholic can do for me. That issue of not being able to see reality was and still is a big core of my program.

The days of encountering someone self destructive and taking ownership of their problems are gone. Do I feel empathy, concern and care certainly I do. But these days my own well being, my own issues are at the forefront rather than last on the list or buried somewhere down in a ditch where they were forgotten and repressed for decades.

Maresie

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