Coping with regret - Al-Anon Family Group

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Coping with regret

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Everyone has regrets. What we do with them varies. I agree that every choice brings us to where we are. So, I would have to ask myself what choices can I make to move forward. Certainly, regrets, like guilt or any other baggage can eat us alive.

Since we can't "re-do" we have to accept and move in a different direction if we want change. Many times change comes with fear and doubt but if we want it we have to plow through.

I believe we create our reality. We can many times have what we want once we make a decision to have it. Only you can envision what you want for yourself and only you can make it happen when you decide to go after it.

Personally, I would focus less on what has been and what is, and more on what can be. The only thing we do have some control over is the future. The past is unchangable. I BTW, ("BTW" does not mean Bring The Wheelchair) 50 is NOT too old to change anything... and 51, 52, 53, 54, 55 can either find you in the same place or you can choose a more enjoyable reality for yourself.

Christy

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

These are the times when I recite parts of the Serenity Prayer to myself - accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference - I cannot change what I have done, I cannot change what has already happened. Life does not give you do-overs, no rewind button. I often talk with my daughter about this, for instance putting her in public school earlier than I did so she would fit in with her peers - but she is glad I didn't because she doesn't want to be shallow hysterical drama queens like they are. One of her favorite movies is "The Butterfly Effect" where a guy keeps going back in time trying to change things to have a better outcome for the love of his life and each change fouls things up differenly. We talk about going back and undoing something but where would you start? Do I want to go back and risk not being the person I am? not having the children and grandchildren I have now? I remember a movie scene - one guy said, I don't regret anything - other guy says, then you have no character because it is by doing things that give us regret that builds character in us (something to that effect). We can only start each day with the lessons learned, try to use our lessons to help others, try not to make the same mistake again, and give ourselves a break.

Also - I worked for a guy who couldn't use his body to take care of himself, any whining from me about how bad my life is makes me such a whiny baby when I think about his limitations. A lot of things are subject to our perceptions - and it seems to be the human condition to always want the grass on the other side of the fence.

I believe we are supposed to have regrets - but not dwell on them because you can't unbreak a plate, unspill the milk, or unspeak a word.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Ann & Christy.

It's O.K. to glance back at my regrets and choices. To dwell or stare at those choices only causes me strife and even HP can't change the past. Acceptance for me (over time) made me realize that I needed to stay in the "now" for my own health and well being. By not allowing myself to dwell or stare at what could have been, I'm taking care of me. I strive to live my life today, staying in today, knowing my happiness is my responsibility, and make a conscious choice each day asking HP for help and guidance. I accept my part. I can't change choices I made. But, I have made a decision to be happy and not allow my life to become unmanagable. I am in control of my happiness. It's my job, with HP's help and guidance, the support I receive from my f2f meetings, reading my literature, and coming to MIP for ES&H, the job is not nearly as difficult as it once was.

RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 26th of March 2011 01:14:52 PM

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm currently trying to wrestle with regreat over something I chose to do as well. The more I wrestle with it, the more it just sucks the life out of me.

There is a part of me that wants to wrestle with it and there is part of me that knows better. The part of me that knows better reminds me that I have a choice in how I frame this experience/choice that. This part knows to look at it as a learning experience. Embrace the lesson and carry on - in a forward motion.

This knowing part of me really irks me at times - but then I ask myself why????? One reason is because I want somone or something to blame - and then if that is true, then I have an excuse to stop striving for something better. Make sense? I know what I'm trying to say - if it doesn't make sense, just let it go wink

A lot of my wrestling has to do with being concerned with what others think of me as well. When I recognize this in me, it's must easier to move on because I know that I am not my reputation. Plus, it reminds me not to judge others. blah, blah..................

Go play with your dogs and hug that beautiful daughter.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I heard a speaker say , that she wasted alot of time waiting for her past to change , its not gonna happen , its done we had choices and most of us living in this type of relationship chose to do nothing we just let it happen ,so no one to blame but ourselves . We can take control of our future , happiness is not a destination its a method of travel .

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow I so relate to you with the ending of my marriage and I sit in regret of the could have's about it, but than I remember that shouldn't have's and realize I will choose a better and smarter path for my future and head in a different more promising direction this time. We can't change the past and so I don't focus too much time on it. The more I focus on the here and now the better I feel. I can control what I do with myself today. I try to change my attitude towards gratitude and see my blessings instead of my imperfections. I spent a lot of time thinking of the if only's with my ex, but now I am thinking more about what I always wished I had the time or energy to do and I am taking small steps in getting there. I see progress, but recovery takes time and I am learning patience with myself. I will say a prayer to my HP for you today.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Like in your other thread...this is about your perception. In your writing, I can hear a lot of dichotomous thinking. There is hope or there is no hope....it was a good decision or a bad one....the dog is either good or bad...there is regret or no regret. You are not really seeing any shades of gray in anything. The reality of the situation is that it would make sense to have some regrets but there are also some beautiful things that have come out of your marriage including your children, great memories...and yes, there is always hope for your wife.

So the thing I would suggest is a bit more flexibility in your thoughts. This is often easier said than done. I have been diagnosed with major depression and taken meds for it in the past...have had a lot of therapy to in order to learn exactly what I am telling you. I actually knew my thoughts were busted and was trained as a therapist in my 20s...I used to even down myself that I couldn't do cognitive behavioral therapy right on myself. I eventually did get to a point where necessary action was needed and took steps to change. Since then, there has been a personality overhaul which is described in the big book.... A psychic change. Maybe this is where you are at now. It was really painful for me for a good while, but if you use the program and your therapy well, you will come out the other side with your head up high.

This too shall pass and more will be revealed (two program sayings that come to me).

Mark

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hon, remember we don't know what the future will be. You don't know what is coming! You don't know how much and what will change.

I respect and believe you feel this way now. Its hard! But I can guarentee, nothing stays the same.

As far as plumbing. I don't remember if you are ill or injured. BUT I am telling you, if you ever fall in love again, things can change there too!

plus as we get older, that does not matter so much when we have a sweet companian to grow with.

hugs,deb

ythannah · Senior Member

There are people in outwardly successful marriages who are desperately unhappy.

There are people who are single who are blissfully happy. (Incidentally, most of the ones I know personally are people who escaped miserable marriages.)

I'm curious as to how you arrived at the determination that "marriage and raising a family" was the brass ring of happiness and personal accomplishment. (You don't have to answer to me, more to yourself)

Perhaps acceptance lies in reframing your beliefs about marriage/family.

I find that I am happier when I choose to enjoy what is rather than yearning for the unattainable or the improbable.

clep · Senior Member

I have a great deal to hold regret for. In my step 5 the reverend told me something that changed my life. She said that we all do the best we can with the knowledge we currently have. My parents did, I do, my children will etc. My job now is to gain the skills to do better, and when I am wasting energy and thought on regretful thoughts I am taking away from action that can create the life I want.

That changed resentments I have with people, myself and I also applied that where regret is concerned.

I have to set boundaries with many people, but don't harbor anger for them or myself and also don't regret anymore.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

You will never have regrets if you follow your heart...

Regrets are about past acts that we are unhappy about, we have to be true to ourselves and have the courage to change.

Luv, Bettina

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

I saw this saying this morning, actually it's a Mantra..but thought I'd share.

"I bless and I honor my past.
But now I let it go in order to try out my highest potential."

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