PurpleRaven, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

"One minute at a time" is good until you can work up to "One hour at a time."  Breathe and hang in there and know there are a lot of people pulling for you on these boards.

It sounds as if your boyfriend still has a lot of issues even though he's technically been sober for so many years.  If it's been a revolving door for five years, you've been through a lot of turmoil already.

I also know the tendency to believe the worst of anything that happens -- boy, do I know that tendency.  As soon as anything difficult happens, I conclude that the pain and consequences will last forever, are irrecoverable, everything is ruined... My therapist pointed out that this is black-and-white thinking and it's one of my specialties.  I know from practicing it many years that it always tries to sneak in whenever something difficult happens.

It would be wonderful if your daughter had two permanent loving figures in her life, but I hope you won't think I'm unsympathetic if I say that all she really needs to help her through is one.  If you read the studies of "resilient" kids who made it through tough times, you'll see that the presence of one loving adult is the thing that made the difference.  I know when my AH started really melting down and we had to separate, I was very relieved that my son had a loving  "uncle" to help him through.  This was a close non-romantic male friend who actually shared a house with us.  When, several years later, the uncle had his own alcoholic meltdown and disappeared, I wondered if my son would be permanently damaged.  Amazingly, he is fine and healthy and it doesn't bother him at all.  One of the secrets, I think, is that we have established a good larger community of all kinds of adults.  I don't know which of them will be around for the next twenty years -- people move, their lives change, and so on -- but I'm sure many of them will, and the larger community makes him feel safe and valued. 

What I found was that my own devastation at these two people leaving our lives was something I had to get through myself, and not project onto my little boy.  It's so hard for me to tell what's worry for me and what's anxiety about him. 

My own father had mental problems and did a sort of disappearing act for a while.  (No coincidence there, I'm sure!)  My mother lied and covered up about it, but I knew something was wrong.  My experience is that I would have appreciated it if she had told me the truth straight out (in terms I could understand).  When she lied and I sensed she was lying, what I got from it was, "It's so scary that you must not mention it to your mother.  She can't handle it.  It's too scary to be talked about."  I wish she had said, "Your dad's brain isn't well, and so he isn't behaving normally.  You didn't cause it or have anything to do with it, and you don't have to worry about it.  It's the kind of thing that grown-ups take care of.  He won't be around for a while and I'm not quite certain what will happen later on.  But I will always be here for you and we're going to take care of ourselves, even if we feel sad sometimes."  That was what it would have helped me to hear.

I am a little worried that your therapist is livid -- I hope she is able to be there for you and not get worked up and emotional about what's happening, which is not what I understand therapists should be about.

Last, I know that the turmoil and uncertainty is very hard.  And possibly the truest thing is that you and your precious girl need to be okay and take care of yourselves no matter what volatile men decide or don't decide.  Nevertheless my experience with these "revolving door" people is that they do black-or-white thinking as well as I ever did.  One minute they're all "I need you, I can't live without you," the next it's "I can't be around you ever again," and then it's "Hello, I'm back," and then it's something else.  I would be astonished if he's really gone for good.  You totally don't need this revolving door stuff in your life -- of course it's awful.  But in my experience it has never lasted.  They say "It's hard to get rid of an alcoholic" for a reason.  Not that this kind of stomping out is good for your little girl.  But each time they do something like this, they show us that we need to develop a serenity that isn't shaken by their crazy antics.

Please keep taking very good care of yourself and your little girl.  I hope you can read through all the threads here and on the Codependency Board.  (The people over there seem to be a little less focused, but there's so much I can identify with.)  Hugs to you.

thank you, Mattie and Canadianguy. the lying part of it is that i'd like to say "it's just not working out with him and it's not your fault, we'll be okay" and let her begin the mourning process, but i can't do that yet. i have a 3-yr custody case ongoing wtih her bio-dad who abused her that's going final next month - my girl needs to spend her next few therapy sessions concentrating on how she feels about her dad, expressing all her feelings about him so her thoughts can be reported to the court. as far as the court knows, she has 2 loving parents supporting her. if i were to tell her the truth, it'd distract her from the issues she's been working so hard on, and it'd also make the court case more complicated - she has to be interviewed by her guardian ad litem before the case and i'm choosing not to inform the GAL about the breakup at this time. it's just a case of horrible timing on the A's part. after the case is closed, we can both begin a healing journey and she'll have tons of support.

i'm telling her that he's ill and grumpy and doesn't want anyone to contact him, not even by phone. that way she won't feel singled out. she doesn't really understand, she lost her first tooth yesterday and is begging to call and tell him, or email. i just keep reassuring her he needs time to be alone from everyone.

i wonder if the stress of the court case caused the A's behavior? or maybe it was a day with a "y" in it, or the sky was blue, you know? ohhh i just hate this! the worst part is that this is a man who's sworn a spiritual path to protect "the 7 generations" of children, yet he's dissing the one generation right under his nose.

Hi there sorry that you are hurting. I would agree with everyone else and say do not lie to your kid. You don't have to tell them everything certainly, but you can't protect her from his decision. Let him own it and if he doesn't she has 1 loving parent and that is enough. My kids have proven so resiliant and amazing through all they have had to deal with and my 13 year old even has straight A's. Try to get to a meeting and take it a minute at a time until you can take it an hour a time and than a day at a time. Turn him over to your HP and breathe deep. Just keep taking care of you and your kid and say the serenity prayer too. I am saying a prayer for you both!

If you are just waiting for the right time to explain more to your daughter I can see that ... it sounds like you both have a lot on your plate right now.  That's obviously the time to grab hold of all the serenity you can get.  Sometimes my addict ex pops up in my mind time and time again and it's all I can do to say, "You are not worth all this attention!"  I've had days where I had to say that to the images in my mind two hundred times!  Amazing that my mind has so much trouble moving on to things that are better for me.  For me it feels halfway between pain and anger.  I try to remember that saying about holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  Easier said than done to refocus, of course! We've all been in that space, and I swear I have to climb out of it daily.  Hugs.

I too have a 6yr old child.  His Dad (who is an A) at different times during his disease would decide that it was best for him/us/our son that he not have anything to do with our son.  It was excruciatingly painful for ME. 

While I never felt it necessary to tell my son that his Dad decided to disown him at times, I have always been honest with my son that Daddy is sick and he has a problem and because of that DAddy isn't well enough to care for him.  That was the truth.  It didn't take away the loss my son felt.  It didn't take away the reality of the situation and the feelings that resulted.  Those feelings were there and we dealt with our reality and our feelings dead-on and I believe that my son is an incredibly well-adjusted and compassionate little boy as a result.

I too would strongly encourage you to be honest with your daughter despite the consequences you fear would result in regards to the court case.  I am a single parent and a very good and stable one at that.  I believe any judge would favour a stable, nurturing, honest single parent over an abusive parent any day.

Rora

thank you Mattie, suicide isn't a concern, i've exhausted the local resources before (small town, very little funding) but i know of some web forums i've used in the past for the self-injury, just need to find one.

we're going to church tomorrow, haven't been in a while and it feels kind of false for me to only go when i need help, but the children's program there is awesome and i can tell the director what's up, get a circle of support going around my girl. i feel so guilty, i take my spirituality for granted until i desparately need it, of course the HP is always there for me, but i feel like a fair-weather friend.

actually the HP seems rather distant right now, so much of my spiritual path is tied up in learning it from my ex-A, a Native American path where children are the most important thing in the world and on this path the adults are sworn to protect them and uphold them over everything else. sworn to protect 7 generations of children, yet he can't even talk to this one child right under his nose. makes me feel literally sick. now i'm wondering how much of the path is false as he's shown himself to be. i'm choosing to no longer practice a major source of prayer and comfort, but my daughter grew up this way so she's still saying her prayers she learned from him, still signing the songs. last night she sang one in the tub, i ended up screaming into my pillows then had to pull it together like nothing was wrong.

i'm returning to m own strong spiritual roots, so i still have prayer and meditation and serenity will be there when i can find it. i feel so guilty for neglecting my roots, not going to church, not being part of the community for too long. and it HURTS to hear the ex-A's prayers and songs around the house right now, but i swore my daughter would develop her spirit in her own way. i can't let her down!