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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> When and How to Tell People about the group
Post Info TOPIC: When and How to Tell People about the group
delhommefan


Veteran Member

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When and How to Tell People about the group
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I was just wondering how open you veterans have been about your recovery. I am somewhat embarassed to tell people about the meetings, which is probably ridiculous. I guess it's kind of like going to a therapist...it's personal and I was never one to share with many people what I was doing. I really do want to be open with certain people close to me about the program but I am afraid of the reaction. Some of my close friends are aware I have been attending meetings but I suppose they are the "safe people" to tell because they are more objective and not as close to me as my boyfriend, parents, etc. My boyfriend knows I wanted to attend meetings before and encouraged me to do it, so it really makes no sense that I haven't been open with him about it. I guess if he were still living here, I would have. But with everything going on in his life with his Dad and job, I haven't really had a moment to talk to him about it. I also want to tell my parents but I don't think they'll get it. I believe they both could benefit from the program too. My Mom because she grew up with an alcoholic mother, and my Dad because he's been dealing with my Mom's mental illness, and newly founded pill addiction, for so many years. Is that something you suggest, or do you just talk about your own experiences and hope to set the example of how much it has helped you?



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canadianguy


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Good question.... for me, my answer was pretty much always "it depends"....

I tend to be fairly open, and wear my emotions on my sleeve, so to speak...  When things were really bad at home with my ex-AW's drinking, it wasn't hard for my friends or workmates to know this....

I did, however, use some discretion as to who I told about my recovery - some people can't handle it, or are very judgemental & almost view it as a weakness (and an opportunity to tell me what I "should" do, lol).  I learned fairly quickly to tell those whom I felt comfortable telling, and chose not to tell others.  Thankfully, these judgemental types were by far the minority....

As for the parents thing - sounds to me like you have already done what you can there - all we can really do is plant the seed.  In my experience they (and others) will judge Al-Anon much more by the changes they SEE in you, as opposed to our words and suggestions for them....  If others see positive changes in Lori - there is no better "promotion" for the program of Al-Anon, etc...

 

Take care

Tom

 

 



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
Debilyn


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Lori I really feel I learned my recovery is my own. I don't have to have the approval of the A to go to meetings, read come here etc.

Al Anon is for us not them. 12 step programs are used for numerious things besides loving an A.

What others think is their thing. If you don't feel like sharing it then don't.When I went I never told anyone. Just never came up.

Now this time, I did share as they wanted to know how I was handling it.

As much as the A's disease is their own, our recovery is our own. Not his decision in anything to make.

You are so working your program! I am so glad. nothing is as great as getting to share and watch someone in recovery! love,deb



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
ythannah


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I'm kind of in the "set the example" category.  I'm open with almost everyone about going to Al-Anon, but I do work in the mental health field so I know I'm not going to get any grief about it.  Sometimes we'll be talking about some interpersonal issues and I'll preface a piece of advice with, "In Al-Anon, we say..." mainly because I want to give credit where it's due, I don't want people thinking I came up with this nugget of wisdom all by myself. biggrin

ABF knew I was attending Al-Anon and at first he made a lot of half-jokey sarcastic remarks about it.  At one point I was devouring literature non-stop, and he asked me if I was ever going to read anything else.  He was quite into AA when he first started recovery, so sometimes I discuss common program concepts with him and it's actually pretty helpful for consolidating my own thoughts on things when I'm struggling with something.

The one person that I've deliberately withheld the information from is my A Dad, although if he asked me outright (not that it would ever cross his mind!) I wouldn't lie about it.  It's not like he'll ever admit that he's an A, or that I could possibly have been affected by their drinking.  He'd attack the merits of Al-Anon, and I don't want to be in the position of defending it with someone who has a vested interest in protecting his own denial.  And he's certainly called me "stupid" often enough for some of the things I do (like owning dogs!).  So I'm just dodging an argument.



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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
White Rabbit


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As I've spent a more time in recovery and doing recovery based things, more and more of my friends have become people I know in recovery. I think this is because I have had to put some distance in relationships that were toxic, which freed me up to spend more time getting to know healthy people. With people in recovery, we do talk some about our personal experiences.

Other than to say that I am going to an Alanon meeting if someone asks what my plans are, I don't usually just bring it up unless there's some reason. My family members know that I go and know that they can ask questions if they want, but I don't lecture them or even really mention what I've learned. Although I feel that Alanon could benefit some of them (and some more than others ... hehe), it's not my decision to make. I planted the seed by saying that I was going and felt it was helpful. If someone else wants to go it's up to them - just like I can't make someone get sober, I can't make a family member that may benefit from Alanon go to meetings.

However, I think that if I had a friend who was struggling in a relationship with an addict, I might tell that person that I had been affected by alcoholism too and that i was getting help for myself in Alanon. I'd plant the seed just by mentioning it, and then if the other person had questions I would answer them but I would not force my opinion. I try to be mindful of the tradition that says we are based on attraction rather than promotion. :)

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abbyal


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We lead best by being agood example , as you change and become happier people will ask what your doing to make the changes then share with them .. i was told  to not bother trying to explain why ? or justify my attending meetings , to just live it .. breaking your own anonymity is up to you . Afriend of mine always says I dont care who you tell you were at the meeting just dont tell them u saw me there .. makes anonymity pretty clear .  Louise



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Jerry F


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My lesson and experience came over time also.  When I got more comfortable with my recovery and where it was coming from I had less problem sharing that with others outside of the program and I didn't initiate the subject.  It they did or the subject of alcoholism and the family became a subject of discussion I'd share and not try to share all of it which is pretty much impossible.  I wouldn't break my alcoholic wife's anonymity or the folks alive in my family of orgin. One of the problems I had with telling people at first was that I was a new comer and really didn't have all that much experience with the whole thing and another was getting over whelmed with questions and statements and judgments and the like so I share(d) selectively.

When I was a alcoholism and substance abuse counselor I shared about the program continually and not from a personal standpoint but as a real, viable, prone to success therapy tool.  "It works when you work it".  

Lousie's share is also an experience of mine and very important.

I'd wait for 6 months to a year and review the need for it.

((((hugs)))) smile



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Desirae


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I keep it simple... If someone I love says "I don't know what to do anymore!" or "How do you put up with that?"

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maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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When I first got into recovery which was quite a while ago I was indeed an open book.  My childhood, my recovery, my issues were all I ever spoke about.

Indeed I felt that only if I "cured" everyone else was it permissible for me to recover.  These days I have far more boundaries.  I know and interact with people in recovery.  Gone are the days when I feel I have to share my experience strength and hope with all and sundry. Gone are the days when I feel like I need to share, encourage and work on anyone's recovery but my own.

In fact I now know that the closer I am to soeeone, geographically and emotionally the more likely I am to be overinvolved in their recovery and decisions and life.  At one time I would have thought going to meetings with my neighbors and knowing the ins and outs of someone's recovery would be liberating.  Now I know that I need space, perspective and my own recovery in good stead before I can start or even consider how far, how much and when and how I can assist others. 

For so many of us attraction rather than promotion is something that is alien.  As someone who grew up in a family where there was no peace, solace, structure or stability I wouldn't exactly know healthy if I saw it.  I do know the desire, craving and drive to rescue, fix and cajole others to be what I need and I know the fear, trepidation and pain of being alone.

 

Maresie.

 

 



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maresie
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