We had THE talk again - Al-Anon Family Group

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

We had THE talk again

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

YOU did nothing wrong! My first thought was, your subject. You did the same thing "again." this is where we say doing the same thing expecting a different result is insanity.

your last line... tried to have a calm rational conversation with an A.Um what? There is NO such thing when they are not in recovery.

The subject was not you. A's almost always try to direct the whole thing on us. They cannot accept they are wrong. denial.

I would not tell them I am detaching from them. I mean from anyone. Its YOUR program, none of his business.

Ultimatums do not work and make it worse.

Remember we cannot control them in any way. We either accept them as is or we don't. We can set up boundaries with consequences. We must stick to the consequences.

He knows he is upsetting the kids. I remember I used to tell him how he looked stupid when he was drunk.That it hurts me as he was so handsome and intelligent. WRONG thing to do. He took it as I was putting him down. I as just sharing what I saw, how I felt.

He probably felt cornered, put him on the defensive. So he tries to turn it around on you.

YOU are progressign and learning! Its great. We all learn as we go. This is what makes us look at ourselves,not them. Its not your job to tell him what the kids see or whatever. I would tell my kids to talk to him about what bothers them.

Glad you are still here! Keep coming! love,deb

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Seems to me you said it yourself -- you tried to have a calm rational discussion with an A. smile

It sounds to me as if you were hoping to get a reaction from him? You mentioned no more movies or hanging out as friends, and that your 13-year-old is affected by the drinking and checking up on it. I think there either an A could say "I'm sorry" (though the chances are snowball-in-heck type chances) or else clam up or get belligerent. It sounds as if there he got belligerent. If they could do anything but denial and self-deception, they wouldn't be A's in the first place, right? So the way I'm reading this is the same as so many conversations that I started with my A -- there were some expectations which just turned into resentments. Or in my case I had resentments and then I had expectations and then I had more resentments...

The thing that's hard but necessary for me to get my mind around is that boundaries are for us and not for them. So we don't even have to tell them about the boundaries. We just put them into place when the situation comes about. I was so sad at having to establish the boundaries that I wanted my A to be sad with me. But there was the expectation leading to the resentment ... etc.

It's tough. Having boundaries and having conversations both require a lot of practice. And since we're the ones trying to make things better, the practice is up to us. The fact that you're thinking about how it went shows you're ahead of the game. Keep on taking good care of yourself.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Karen,

We come to Al-anon because we have been effected by someone else's drinking. Al-Anon suggest we put boundaries in place for us to protect us, and in your case your child also. The program tells us to always take care of ourself first, and always do the next right thing. From where I sit you have done all the above, your working your program, your getting healthy and I think your exAH doesn't like what he sees.

Have no second thoughts follow your heart. The Al-Anon book is titled "The Courage To Change".

HUGS,
RLC

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds funny, but my A has told me he knows he is an alcoholic and he knows it affects us all. He has in the past apologized, but he has never used any recovery just white knuckled it for long periods of time. I know I am rationalizing here. I once again thought I could control by doing or saying the right thing to get him to some sort of help beyond himself. My sponsor tonight told me I have to have more faith in my HP and really turn him over to God and leave him there. He stopped drinking and waas reading the AA big book, but not going to meetings or anybody beyond himself but called it his recovery, is that really recovery to anyone else? Okay I am turning him loose, but am still interested in any ESH here.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I can understand wanting someone to get recovery so bad you wish you could just cram it down their throat. It is immensely frustrating. In my experience, I have only seen lasting recovery and AA success borne out of desperation. I went through a phase where I knew I was an alcoholic too and didn't want to do anything about it. My motto was "everyone has to die someday" so I pretty much persisted in slow suicide. There were times where I would say I would quit and maybe even try AA but I was drunk when I said it. It was not until I crashed my car, had dry heaves every morning, was about to lose my job, and all I was doing when not at work was drinking that I accepted the whole of step 1: I am powerless over alcohol and it makes my life unmanageable. I decided that it was indeed possible to get busy living and stop the repeated cycle of hastening death with booze.

Your ex-AH sounds like he has one half of step 1 down. He has accepted he is alcoholic but NOT that it makes his life unmanageable. If a person gets step 1 down perfectly they can stay sober the rest of their life. It is the only one that needs to be done perfectly. The others are all for serenity and insurance against relapse.

So...A person entering recovery has to at least accept step 1 in it's entirety with ZERO reservations or they are doomed to relapse in my opinion. The good news is that he is halfway through the step...bad news is that nobody could possibly predict what it will take for him to get the rest of the step and begin a true and lasting recovery.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

That is your only mistake * trying to have a calm rational conversation with an alcoholic* it simply is not possible ..practicing alcoholics are very defensive they do not talk about them and will say anything to get the focus off them selves thus blaming you for problems . That was the mistake I always made with my husb expecting him to behave normally . duh that one took me awhile hehe. Hang in there keep going to meetings and take care of you . Louise

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-Anon has a great little 12 page pamphlet called "A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic". (P7). We give this out to newcomers in my meetings in the "Newcomers Packet" we purchase from the WSO. It has a section entitled "The Alcoholic's Weapons" which essentially says that the Disease of Alcoholism will use any method necessary to turn back perceived attacks on it back onto the party doing the "attacking".

What a non alcoholic person's sees as having a "calm rational conversation", the disease see's as an attempt to "get rid of it".

Cunning, baffling and powerful. Alcoholism, the Family Disease.

Keep coming back. See if you can find a copy of the pamphlet at a meeting if you don't have one. It really has some good information in it.

Yours in Recovery,

David

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.