The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life has been a whirlwind. My 14 yr old daughter broke her arm snowboarding, and needed surgical repair with pins. New boss at work, and I am convinced he is a drug-user. No other explanation for erratic, crazy behavior. Finally figured out what "al-anon in all my affairs means". Ha! A rough couple of weeks, but we made it through. Served as distraction from my 17.5 yr old son who has been out of the house and living with a friend since mid-Jan.
It was supposed to be temporary while we had counseling, and I thought I had the support of the mom. Honestly, who would take in a kid who just doesn't want to follow his parents' house rules, has no money, no job, no drivers license, and parties? Apparently her! It snowballed into something I still cannot believe. How can it be that he is entirely supported by others? Crosses my mind that he is selling pot or something else, but I would think he'd need some money to do that. Then my mind goes to her. Anything is possible at this point. He ended up bowing out of counseling, and the mom is just enabling him, and has no intention of sending him on his way. Worked with a counselor who said to have son make way back, but that is not happening. Why would he leave? He has no limits, a tv, xbox and fridge in his room, and can come and go as he pleases (out a window!). Found out she has been excusing him from school. School's bad on that one, and has since been corrected that she is not a legal guardian. He is now flunking 2 classes and has 2 absences only 2 weeks into the new quarter. Never flunked a class before. We used to be concerned about C's.. Sad.. Pot smoking and drinking. Often sick. Looks terrible; complains of anxiety and inability to sleep. Life in my home has been so peaceful and nice with the ability to focus and love on my other 2 children, but now I am feeling the need to do something. I think I may be negligent in leaving him there. If I force him home, then he will be back to same behavior, and am I negligent to my other 2?
Ex and I met with the principal and student-assistance counselor today. Thier goal is to get him to graduate. The counselor said that "the bull is out of the pen", meaning son has no intention of coming back now that he has freedom. Son does respect this man and will be meeting with him weekly, and for that I am grateful. The principal is going to get involved and call the mom, and tell her my son is not doing well. I have no expectations, for she clearly doesn't get it even after a number of conversations we have had. I need to see what happens with that, but am in a no-sleep, middle-of-the-night panic mode, and feel I just need to go get him and bring him home. Sounds good in theory and would be easy if there weren't people involved! Honestly, I am scared.
Can't believe it happened on my watch. I tried so hard. I really did. Trying not to take on the blame right now nor put it on the exAH, but I struggle with that.
Its 2:30 a.m. and I haven't slept yet. I decided I am calling in sick to work today, all under the premise of taking care of me. Have never done that before, and there is no one to cover for me. Will make my boss crazier and affect y co-workers somewhat. Oh well... Not sure what my plan is. Will go to the school, make some phone calls, work my 4th step, clean house, sleep if I can...
Son will be 18 in July. Need to hang on til then, though the legal age does nothing for my mama heart. I want someone to tell me what to do. Protect myself, my children, and sanity and leave him where he is? Or, protect my child? I guess the balance is protecting him while working the program to change me and keep what serenity I have. I don't know how to do that! Guess what makes me hesitate is that I set the boundary of he needs to be cordial, contribute, do school work and be substance free to live here. He chose somewhere else, so if I say come back, then I say those things don't matter..
Al-anon meeting tonight was on Letting Go. I picked the topic after stumbling on the reading while getting the materials ready. Love that reading. Does anyone have it? I need to find it and study it. This too shall pass, I know, but I feel like I just went through it... Oh yeah, that's cause I did! Would be easier if I knew I was going to have a happy, healthy son on the other side. Guess all I can do is work on having a happy, healthy me. Gotta give it ALL to HP. Will put that on the top of my list for today!
Thanks for being here,
Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness on Thursday 24th of March 2011 06:04:37 AM
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Dang Lou...A lot of stuff you are virtually powerless over. In a way, it might be better that your son has this experience now rather than going to college, spending thousands of dollars and then flunking out there. You have a lot on your plate. Hope you are taking some time for your own interests and your own peace.
Lou - you cannot protect someone who doesn't want to be protected. At least you know he has a roof over his head and isn't sleeping rough. He also has someone - his counsellor - looking out for him. You have done all you can - now it really is time for you to focus on you and your other children. Your son knows you love him and will be there for him if he needs you. If he won't listen to that - write and tell him. (Detaching with love)
Good luck - you have a lot of hard stuff to deal with but somehow, I think you will make it. Oh and by the way, bosses don't have to be on drugs to be erratic and pains in the wotsit - my boss and her style of micro-management drives me and my colleagues round the bend!
I have no experience to offer on how to work the program in regards to a child. Take care of you and listen for the answers to what the next best step is. You're in my prayers.
