How Do You Know If You're Just Being "Codependent" or Your Thoughts are Justified? - Al-Anon Family Group

delhommefan · Veteran Member

How Do You Know If You're Just Being "Codependent" or Your Thoughts are Justified?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate to this. I had a relationship very much like this one. It was very confusing to me because the things he said were just what I wanted to hear -- how the relationship was very important to him, how it was purely external things that kept him from being able to see me so often, and so on. But I was having to fight for each visit, to where it got to the point where I felt I was the only one doing the work of getting us in the same place.

In my case I think he was really blowing hot and cold about the relationship -- he didn't want it enough to go to bat for it, but he also didn't want it to end. He wanted it to kind of drift along without him having to do anything to keep it going, until it became clear to him what he wanted. I found that, as with alcohol abuse, in the end the truth was clear to me no matter how much he wanted me not to notice. If I pulled away he'd come after me, but if I tried to get closer, he'd explain why he just couldn't be available, etc. etc. We did this dance for a while until I noticed that it was no-win for me. The second I stopped pulling awa, he'd retreat. So I had to pull away to get attention? The whole thing was exhausting.

The other thing is that maybe your guy is truly overwhelmed with responsibilities and not trying to be unavailable. But still he's unavailable. Your needs are important too. Unless it's short-term unavailability, maybe this isn't a relationship that can fulfill your needs. Someone once called this "starving on a diet of hope." I would say that your needs are top priority for you -- that's the part I always had trouble with.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Lori as I read this, I thought about your feeling down about your anniversary.

I wonder if your lack of affection/attention from your current boyfriend, makes the date even harder?

Codependant is when we do things for the addict that they can do for themselves. At least that is my experience.

I would miss my sig other too if our relationship was like that! geez I miss my dogs if I am gone all day!

You did the best thing, you brought it up and let him know what you need from him.

Now you are also doing a good thing. You are going to accept him as is and accept you as is.

If this relationship is not what you want, then you may make other decisions. We cannot change anyone else A or not.

Making excuses is to me moot. It is what it is. Also I can tell you from my experience, when I love someone, I make sure they feel the love. Cards, notes, short calls etc.

I worked full time, college full time, but my loved ones were always first.

You are the one who has to feel this out. Do you really want this kind of relationship? Can you accept him as is?

hugs,deb

linbaba · Veteran Member

We are looking at those very questions here on our CODA board, we are looking at "what is Codependency", we are even doing a Book Study using "Codependent No More" and "The Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps"

There is a "Characteristics of Codependents" chart and other information here

delhommefan · Veteran Member

You are probably right about the anniversary Deb. It's like I was married for 5 years, and within 6 months I was dating this guy. So the first anniversary apart wasn't so tough, last year everything was good with my relationship and I think it made it easier to just focus on other things. This year I am finding myself really concerned about "spending the rest of my life alone". I am young (32) and I know there's still time. But I just feel like he's 42 now...isn't it time to settle down and make the person you supposedly "love like you've never loved before" a priority?

I think today is just a really bad day for me too given the date and all. I have felt really good about my meeting, my reading, my focus on me, and my recovery up until today. When I get like this, I have the tendency to start looking at everything negatively in my life, whether that's warranted or not.

Do I want this? Not forever. But on the one hand having a long distance relationship helps me focus on myself and detach the way I need to. At least this way I will truly know what decision to make, and hopefully feel at peace with it.

Thank you! <3

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm 40 and have been mostly alone for the 5 1/2 years that I have been living here. I have found that adjusting MY expectations of people and relationships and just doing what works for me... if I need some I go get some... I am finding that being single is SOOOOO much less complicated than being in a relationship where I have to constantly wonder what someone esle is thinking, feeling, doing... I used to think I couldn't have sex without love. Now I know that I can. I prefer to have love but usually seeking love and trying to maintain a relationship is to my own detriment. You're certainly not old and you look great. I don't know why you would have to work so hard? I agree with what was said before, what are you getting out of this? How is it working for you? If it were to go on like this forever would you be ok with that? You have to do what is right for you and although you think that this is the only guy for you I guarantee there is another around the way. I know up until I was about 35 I was in a relationship (usually bad bad relationship) non stop from the time I was 15. Now at 40 after having been single for five plus years I have learned that I am truly OK without a man, I can take care of myself and everyone else AND I have learned who I am and gotten to know myself which is something I never really did when I was younger. Do what feels right and is easiest for you.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

We are the same age and at times I think I will be alone forever, but it's just my negative stinkin thinking taking over again. I have been alone for quite a few months and the longer I am single and facing being the dreaded word single, the better and stronger I feel. I am a very people pleasing, enabling and codependant. I am forcing myself to take the time to be alone and recover myself before I start my next relationship. My sponsor has helped me to picture myself being a caterpillar and needing to go into my coccoon before I can come out as a butterfly and fly away. I still have dettachment issues with my soon to be ex AH, but I do best not to be with a man to distract myself with and just feel I am not in the right place to pick a great one out of the crowd and not just any man will do anymore. I hope you can calm your mind and be at peace while in your current relationship without questioning it so much, but only you will know if it is healthy.

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