Feeling Really Rotten about myself... - Al-Anon Family Group

Samsgram · Senior Member

Feeling Really Rotten about myself...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Samsgram)))) That's not good and it is normal for the disease of addiction.
She lost it and you lost it...not good and normal. You both did apologies and she
was able to let her thoughts and feelings pour out to someone who loves her...
that's good and not normal (unless changes happen). This thing called recovery
is about progress...not perfection. I had/have to accept another program on how
to live rather than use the one that addiction left me and while at times it is easy
at other times I'm miserable with all the self pity and resentments that seem to
sit at my elbow. I "loose" it as I did yesterday at work...I need to work self
forgiveness and lend an ear to my own truths about what is going on with me
without using denial like...I'm supposed to be different under these nasty
conditons. Actually not!! Expecting myself to be more than what I am is a sure
set up for failure.

If you've given yourself sometime to feel rotten about yourself...balance it out
by stopping and being grateful for your good stuff.

You're okay ((((hugs)))) smile

kath · Senior Member

I can relate to that. It reminds me of my middle daughter. Most of the kids in her class come from two parent households. She is embarassed cause she doesnt have a father in her life. I just told her to think about all the people in the world and that we all do not fit the same circumstances, and that is no reason to feel inferior.
I have lost my temper with my daughter too. I apologize, and I must admit that even though I still occcasionaly yell, this program has helped me to remain calm and use other tactics to discipline. I know I have felt ashamed before when I have lost it with my child. I think it is a part of parenting and learning, and like Jerry said, progress not perfection.
My daughter knows how to manipulate me very well. She will tell me what a bad mom I am and that is because she has sensed my insecurities as a parent. As I become a stronger parent, I pray the words she says will no longer come out of her mouth.
I made the mistake of feeling sorry for my daughter because her A dad never comes to see her. I understand now that she does not need my sympathy but a loving strong and gentle guide to discipline her when she needs it. I too have felt like I was ruining my daughter's life, yet I am the constant in her life. I have not abandoned her to alcohol and drugs.
I believe you are the constant in this girl's life and she is going to test you to see if you really mean business.
Hope this helps a little. Glad you are here.

Kath

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh hon, no one is perfect and we all lose it at times! What is important is you apologised. You just taught her you are human you mess up and admit it and apologise!So now she will feel normal, and know if she messes up, she has to fix it.

GREAT lesson! We learn from the hard stuff. I shared I thru tea and salsa at the wall when I got sooooo frustrated. I learned it did not help, and to throw water instead as tea and salsa stain.......(c:

All I ever see from your posts is how much you love your g daughter. You hang in there, you don't give up. Just do your best, thats all we can do. She KNOWS she can depend on you. Even when she is a brat, she knows inside you still love her no matter what.

YES you are right about meetings. I am glad you mentioned it. At least its in your thoughts! Glad you are here.

How are you feeeling now?

Maybe look at it as you cannot change anything, but you can be there for her, be her rock as best as you can. STill take care of you also. She needs to see that.

This helped me in many situations. Can't change anything but I will get my body there to be one piece of sanity, one place of calm for whoever, not judging, just loving.

Just keeping quiet.

hugs hugs hugs, debilyn

Tattyhead · Senior Member

Don't feel guilty, Samsgram. You are human with human feelings and we all lose it now and then. It's what happens next that matters. What you did next was apologise to her and the result was she opened up to you about all the bad feelings she has. Well done, you! She really needed to get all that out. I'll bet you are the one constant in her life. You set boundaries and she respects you for it. Whatever happens (and you can't control that) she knows you will be there for her. You do your very best and she is lucky to have you for a grandmother.

(((hugs)))

Tish xxx

Samsgram · Senior Member

Thanks all of you for the support. It really does mean a lot..

I do tend to be hard on myself. Thanks for all your wisdom.

Hugs,
Sam

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

((Sams))

Stop beating up on yourself..

You are human and it is good for your granddaughter to know that. Maybe next time she needs to vent like we all do she will not have to push both of you to the edge in order to talk about her feelings. I think it is healthy to have boundaries even with granddaughters that you love to the ends of the earth.

And Kath's comments about her daughter knowing how to manipulate reminded me of my nephew who will cry every time he has a fall or bump but if I am in the room he looks up at me and laughs because I do not fall for it. Stuff hurts but 30 minutes of crying because he fell down is not the way to start a peewee football player, this tactic worked on his dad, my little brother, too. Funny thing is last time he pinched his finger and cried, grandpa and dad went running and when I walked up behind them, my nephew wanted to come to me. Less than 30 seconds and he was laughing and looking at his red finger ... my only idea on this is he did not want to be crying and miserable but that is their routine I guess. Maybe your experience needed to happen in order to open new ways of working your program and opening new communications between the two of you without having to have the pressure cooker event beforehand. Progress not perfection

Jen

-- Edited by Jennifer on Tuesday 22nd of March 2011 07:25:11 PM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I've gone the counseling route - a good counselor can help both parties to establish mutually agreed upon problems, priorities, boundaries and solutions. For instance: I have a tendancy to ask the same question more than once - not because I don't care enough to listen to the answer the first time, but rather that I have a horrible memory. The solution? Daughter can say - for the second time mom...... (or third, or... ya know). It is a mild example of a problem, but one that was driving her nuts and creating strife between us. Learning to work on them in that way has helped us figure out how to identify problem areas and agreed upon methods to deal with them. And, she appreciates being treated like a young adult rather than just told - because I'm the adult, that's why! We have some good brainstorming sessions trying to figure out non-offensive ways to resolve things. Minor problems seem to build into bigger ones or feed bigger ones maybe, and finding successful solutions for the minor problems helps us see that maybe we can find solutions for the bigger problems as well.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes...this is normal when there is an alcoholic that everyone is tip toeing around. All family members are on edge and they take it our on each other. I would suggest alateen for her and alanon for you. You say you can't tell her mother any of this cuz mom has started drinking... So? Does her mother get a free pass to be a bad parent cuz she is drinking?

You didn't screw up her life with your own stuff as you say. You are human and just doing your best. Maybe make rules with her since she says she trusts you (like no more hitting each other no matter what)...rules she can understand so that she feel safe at your house if nowhere else.

Also, when a kid comes to you with a million problems and wanting to dump on you like that, that may be a sign that seeing a counselor wouldn't hurt her either...she will not like the idea at first but it seems like she might need it.

Samsgram · Senior Member

Pinkchip, as for sam seeing a counselor, she see`s two of them believe it or not.
But she will NOT talk to either of them about her real issues. Meaning she won`t
talk about her mothers drinking and the issues around it. She is fearful I think
that someone might take her away from her. Little does she know the system
works in favor of the parents. Not what is in the interest of the kids.
Take it from me.. I know.. Been this route before.
Also somone mentioned alateen. I tried that and they accepted her because @
only 7 she seems so mature but she really is just 7.
She was hearing things that were much to much for a 7 year old to hear at the meeetings so I thought better
of taking her there. Also, I knew her mother would loose it if she ever found out.

This child seems to want to be the adult with me so she must be like this with others.
Some days I`am able to tolerate it better than others. She pushes me to the limit.
She critical, even of my words. She tough...but so soft inside... In other words
she is suffering from the disease.
Talking to her mother might make her mad at her and she will just suffer
the ramifications of her mothers moods. I have tried to tell her mother in the past
that she needs more rules with her grandafther.The child needs to know someone
is in control and its not her. Most everyone else lets her do as she pleases. Her mother
operates under, if its fun lets do it! I`am talking to a child when I talk with her. (mother)
I feel like I`m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I just get so down that I can`t be the person she wants me to be on a consistent basis.
Or the person I want to be. I feel like I`am screwing her up just like everybody else.

I hope I can be better..

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Now I am speaking with my child counselor hat on (cuz I am one of those believe it or not). She is going to develop more serious problems later in life if someone does not step in and provide rules and structure. You need not feel guilty for being the normal one and trying to do that. Of course slapping her is a bit much, but rules and consequences are definitely necessary. Kids act like they hate structure and discipline...when they dont have enough of it, they start rebelling. So...in reality, they crave the structure and discipline and they actually do want it. I would stick to firm rules and consequences at your house and just know that the reaction you get is not because of you. She is going to give you hell when you come down on her with rules, but later in life she will respect you and you will be the one she will go to when she needs someone stable.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

My son is 17, and has always been a master at turning the tables on what I did wrong, or how much of a victim he was, to get the focus off of him and his behavior. You know, he was in trouble, but at the end of the conversation, I was the one apologizing and crying. It worked for years, until finally his strategy was clear as day to me. I had to learn to be like a broken record and quickly turn it to "we can discuss that later, right now we are discussing _____" He knew I felt guilty and sad about our situation, and he used it every way he could. Its still a challenge today, and the issues are bigger and deeper. Keeping it simple and not reacting are key. I wish I had done that years ago.

Blessings,
Lou

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

one of my core challenges in Al anon is to really value myself and stop putting my self esteem up for auction all the time.

Maresie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.