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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> broken record
Post Info TOPIC: broken record
kath


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Posts: 125
Date:
broken record
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I know I really must sound like a broken record. After no contact with my AH since the first of January, I decided I would let him know how our daughter is doing. It ended up in a big fight. I know he is still using. He does not want to come to our home to see her, he wants me to bring her to him for an extended stay. I negotiate a visitation at the park, and he says that it would be traumatic for her. I will not allow her to go in his home knowing what I know about his addiction, his son's addiction, and his roomate's addiction. He sees nothing wrong with his lifestyle and accuses me of the very things he is doing to me.

I have learned to recognize the manipulation for what it is. I am angered and shocked that he does this to me. I am not allowing him to get into my head by repeating slogans and reading al anon material and talking to my sponsor. I have been praying a lot too. For so long I believed every word he said out of his mouth as truth, so it is still hard sometimes to not believe him when he tells me I am ruining our daughter's life. I know that he has father's rights, but I feel like her rights are more important than his rights and her rights are to be in a sober and safe environment.

I am sad that he chooses not to come out here to see her. He doesn't have a decent car or gas money. But I didn't choose that lifestyle for him. He would go to the ends of the earth to get high, yet can't seem to come out here and see his child. I know he is angry with me because I am no longer initiating the visitation by going to his house. I am done carrying his load and responsibility.

I have changed. I no longer excuse his addiction and I regard it very seriously when it comes to my daughter. He has no qualms whatsoever about using around her. The tough part is that I must prove this in the courts and I'm not sure how I can do that. I keep praying and when the time is right the answers will come.

To me, he has relinquishes his rights as a parent every time he uses. That is my opinion. The courts and others may see otherwise.

I should not have sent him the text message. I had expectations. He accused me of gloating at him and throwing in his face that I had our daughter and he did not. He said I was dumb, and that I was forcing him to protect her from me.

I just wanted him to care. I just want him to understand why my children and I don't want to be in his environment. He just doesn't get it and is always angry at me. I am powerless to make him understand, yet I try with futile efforts, go figure!! Have to work on that one more. I guess I missed some insanity and wanted a taste, doesnt feel good anymore.

It is scary being a single parent. I fear that something could happen to me and then what would happen to my children? I have pursued relationships with men that are not healthy because I have very little self esteem. I realize that my need to be in a relationship has overided my sanity. I am insane in that respect. Yet I bore three beautiful children out of those relationships. 

I will protect them no matter what. Wish I didn't have to though.


 



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Loupiness


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Hi Kath,

I just want you to know I understand, and if you work the program, you will come out the other side.  While my exAH was active and newly sober, I worried so much about his relationship with the kids and how I could facilitate it to make it all okay.  It was futile and frustrating.  I finally figured out that it was my relationship with them that mattered, and it certainly needed repairing too, so that is where my efforts must go.

My exAH has been sober now for over 3.5 yrs.  I'd say it has been just the past 6 months where he has become a self-initiated, loving and active parent. Now he can.  He also has some repairing to do, but I know enough now, that it is his job.

Take care of you. 

Blessings,
Lou



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kath


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Posts: 125
Date:
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Thank you. I am starting to be able to work on my relationship with my children and it has been wonderful. Thank you for the gentle reminder to just work on me and be the best parent I can be. I don't have to listen to the negativity from him, he just tries to bring me down, and those attempts are aimed at trying to make me focus on him and not the children, which in turn would sabotage my parenting abilities, thus giving him reason to make me a bad parent too.

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Debilyn


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HOn its ok that you texted. I can see that you learned from it. We are not A. So we don't think like they do. I know that feeling of, "Oh I will just call, it will be ok." Sadly I have never read anything here that it turned out well.

If he could care he would have contacted you.

So now you know! I was a single parent too. Also set up something so my kids would go to their grammy. I remember that feeling.

YOU can do it. I was shy and did not like crowds. Liked being home baking bread and making cloths for my kids. But I had to go to work. I worked for the school district as a tutor. Then went back to college too!

I learned to be strong as I had to be for my two kids. I also learned to not be afraid of people. I knew I could take care of my kiddo's well. And believe me ,my son was a turkey for awhile!

The more you step out of your comfort zone, one day at a time, the more you will grow and feel better!Whatever we face that is uncomfortable the more we grow.

You have the natural ability to protect. You can do it. Just take little steps. Your kids need to know you are strong, that you set boundaries, keep a routine. They have lost their father so you need to be the best mom you can!

Every week end I took my kids on a day trip. Sometimes just driving around. I would find a big parking lot and drive around in circles and be crazy for them. We went to the beach, mountains, parks, ice cream, rafting, hiking, camping

Mostly things that did not cost a bunch of money. We loved playing board games. I know that the happy fun stuff helped us heal and be strong.

Now they are 34 and 35 and great, secure people. Their childhood went so fast!

You may want to volunteer somewhere first to get you used to being out there. I did at a food coop. I even became a manager! Found out I was very smart and a good worker. I had NO idea!Got hired full time then went on to the schools etc.

I don't know your income, but you may want to go to your local community college and or human resources for help for a woman in your position. Theres lots of help out there for single parents. You just have to look.

Please keep coming Kath! you vent and repeat all you need to. This board was made for that! I don't know what I would do with out this spot. I am sure people get sick of me, but I need to be here!

love,debilyn







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kath


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 125
Date:
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Thanks for you encouraging words! We did go on a free mini vacation for spring break to a natural wildlife reserve. Al Anon and the people here on this board have really helped me to take the focus off of the A and put it to me and my children. We have, at the request of my oldest child, made thursdays family day where we go to the park, mcdonalds, or go exploring in the pasture. It is a fun treat. Right in our backyard we discover so many neat things. I love nature too and I want my children to experience that as well. Thank you so much for you support.


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abbyal


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Kath you are expecting an alcoholic to care , all they care about is thier next drink and are not capable of loving anyone including them selves .  Supervised visits are the way to go to keep your daughter safe , to leave her overnite in that inviorment is insanity . you set the boundary now comes the hard part * keeping it * . Your family nite sounds like fun .  Louise



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Mattie


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3613
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It sounds as if you have a lot of awareness.  My therapist said once when I did a similar thing, "Well, sometimes you have to keep touching the stove to see if it's hot."  Funny how it always is hot!  Keep on taking good care of yourself.

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kath


Senior Member

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Posts: 125
Date:
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I am keeping it! There is no way she will leave with him ever.

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Tattyhead


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I think having one night as "family day" is a really good idea. My learning-disabled son gets very stressed out by his AF. One night a week I take him out, to a movie or theatre or maybe just for a pizza. He really enjoys this and it gives him something to look forward to and focus on. On "our" night, I allow him 5 minutes to talk about Dad then we "put him in a box and close the lid" We don't talk about him for the rest of the evening, just focus on us and having fun. It seems to work and does us both good.

Good luck, it is hard when children are involved.

(((hugs)))

Tish xxx



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flopadopilus


~*Service Worker*~

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I so related to this post that I was just going to read the advice and not respond. But Wow such great advice was given and has helped me too! I seem to miss the feel of my hand stinging from touching that old stove from time to time. But now I do remember of course it will be hot and burn before I touch it if only sometimes. Thanks for all the shares, I needed to read this today!

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maresie


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reality is very painful around an alcoholic coming out of denial hurts deeply yet it is ahuge step

 



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