How can I live with active alcoholism??? Help - Al-Anon Family Group

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

How can I live with active alcoholism??? Help

GettingBy · Newbie

Hi there Corgi2 and welcome!

I struggled for so long to stay detached from my husband's drinking. When I first started al-anon, I tried detaching - which to me back then was simply walking out of the room. I could not subject myself to the drunken babble, the right-fighting and instigating. It wasn't healthy for me so I protected myself by walking away. As time went on and I worked my program, my detachment evolved and I was able to stay in the room and not react. My husband would throw out his bait to start an argument and I could chose to not bite at it. But, after 10 years of living with active alcoholism, and working hard on my al-anon program - I'm tired. It's hard work living with alcoholism. I love my husband but the relationship has worn me down.

Keep working on your program and your tools will evolve! It really does work!

We get so focused on everything around us that we forgot about taking care of ourselves! So, be kind to yourself today - I know what it feels like to be defeated. Do something nice for you today - get a pedicure, a phone call to a girlfriend... whatever.

-Shannon

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Corgi
I am glad you had the Courage to Change and were able to comfort yourself after dealing with your BF. You did mention that you were going to meetings in your community and I am glad . I too attended my first meeting out of desperation..

This disease is powerful and we cannot do it alone. Breaking the isolation by attending meetings with others who are walking the same path is very powerful. You will also learn new tools to live your life by Focusing on yourself, live and let live, one day at a time is all very important to recovery

Please keep coming back

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 22nd of March 2011 10:02:11 AM

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

Thanks for the support! It really means so much. I'm glad I found this site. I do go to meetings 2 -3 times a week...but sometimes my schedule conflicts with the meeting times, so its nice to have another network where I can share and listen to other people's stories.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Corgi, they don't slip up in my experience, they relapse.

There is no uh oh in being an addict. He is very sick. He has only been not using this is not recovery. It is constantly fighting that which he is craving to do. He set himself up to fail.

He may need to do this a few times to see that he needs help. Part of the process.

You are going through a lot. A lot of pain!Good for you for going to meetings. You can go to as many as are available!

We learn to be ok by learning tools to teach us to not get involved in their disease. It takes lots of practice and work. If we really want to stay with them, we work hard at this. Or we get strong enough and realize we want to leave.

For now we learn it is a disease, it is not pointed at us in any way. Its NOT our problem. We cannot control it, we did not cause it and we cannot cure it.

The serenity prayer helps us to see what we can control and what we cannot.

We cannot stop a river or the ocean from tumbling in, and we cannot do anything about the A's disease. NOTHING. Its NO different so why try?

The disease is making you very sick. He is drinking becuz he is an addict. Has zero to do with you. The disease is trying to manipulate you.

When my A said bolony like that I would say,"You might be right." Just did not engage.

And yes sadly to be attached to an A is like this. They are never cured, they can always relapse. Its part of beign an addict. Does not mean they will, does not meant hey won't. But unless we can accept it all and be ok, in my experience we are setting ourselves up.

I read how someone says he drank! Like it is a big surprise. They are addicts, that is what they do!You did great not taking the diseases bs. You picked up your book and read it! progress! I tell ya Getting Them Sober was and is a godsend for me. It has different subjects and truths.

I would read something and it would touch me so I would write the page on the jacket of the book. like patience 105 etc. So I could go right to it. I do this in my Bible too. (c:

Corgi my AH's whole family was so so so dysfunctional. I could hear them if we ever were together, "Whats she doing here." oh brother. my a would remind them she is my wife.

No matter what I did I was wrong. Heck with them. Not ONE of them were there to help my bil with his dieing up at OHSU. HP made sure I was there a month going back and forth to feed my animals! We are talking more than an hour to get there, then I slept in the waiting room.

My A never blamed me, but his family did. I learned to say I didn't duct tape him down and put a funnel in his mouth or shoot him up! dipsticks.

My A did not like it when I went to Al anon. they know we will learn their secrets. A
s disease thinks it has these big secrets. Once he sees you don't react, you won't be fun anymore. So he uses the suicide thing, or its your fault, or I won't come home, you don't care anyway. I need you to stop blah blah blah.

The disease will do anything to pull you down. It does not like to be alone.

Keep coming. Beleive me we care very much. love,debilyn

ythannah · Senior Member

Hello and welcome, Corgi2! smile

(I'm actually pondering getting a corgi as my next dog)

I too came to Al-Anon out of desperation. Life was unmanageable, and I had nothing to lose by giving it a try. My A mother had died of cirrhosis about 6 weeks previously, and my recovering ABF had just had a horrific relapse while vacationing in another city. In fact, I'd been quite candid with him about my intention to end the relationship while speaking to him on the phone during that binge, but of course he had no recollection of that when he finally sobered up.

My ABF had 7 relapses in that first 16 months that we were together, and has been sober about a week longer than I have been in Al-Anon. If he had not remained sober, we would not still be in a relationship -- having grown up with two active A parents, my tolerance for drinking is low. Part of what I wanted to figure out was why I had lasted so long through his many relapses.

I have boundaries with regard to what I will not accept in my life. The main one is that he cannot drink in my home, so I won't consider living together until he has gained some strength in his sobriety. The only saving grace that I had was the ability to escape to the safety and serenity of my home, where I could detach from his drinking -- and I will preserve that at all costs.

I honestly don't know if this relationship will survive or not. Sometimes I feel like I am poised to flee, one foot already out the door, because I know that some day I may have to end it. For my ABF, not drinking doesn't mean true "sobriety" because he is not working a program and still has a lot of A thinking. Even if he never drinks again, those issues may eventually become intolerable for me.

So, for me, it's definitely one day at a time.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't presume to tell you what to do...just that a person with only 2 months sober is not a good candidate for a relationship. They tell people in early sobriety to not be in relationships and to not put anyone or anything ahead of sobriety because you will lose both your sobriety and whatever you put before it invariably. He has to want to get sober more than anything. He has to be willing to go to any lengths. Him making statements about how he will get sober "if you do this or that" is a game and its a mean game too. That is a load of crap. As an alcoholic, nobody makes me drink but me. You can't make another person put an alcoholic beverage to their lips and swallow it. You can choose to be with him, but PLEASE don't ever assume you can control his drinking or that you have the power to stop it.

My alcoholism is a deadly illness. To tell someone I will drink over them is like putting a gun to my head and saying "I'm going to pull this trigger if you don't do what I want!" You don't play that game with someone you are supposed to love. That's just how I see it. You can take or leave this. My experience here comes more from being in AA than Alanon, though I did live with another alcoholic for several years. It was like a double trainwreck. I couldn't put up with him and wound up leaving to get my own life together and get sober.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there, I am have been in a 15 year on again off again relationship with my AH. I filed for divorce finally a month ago and honestly I can breathe again. I have 2 kids and my oldest is very pleased with my decision. I had been seperated from him since April 2010. We dated on and off for 10 years and than got married and have been seperated 3 major times in those 5 years. It has been chaotic and hard, most of it merely surviving. I still have a hard time dettaching at times. We share our kids, because my 13 year old makes sure he doesn't drink while he has them. We all wear scars from this disease and always will, but I finally chose to take care of me and to stop trying to save him. You have choices to make and hopefully you choose the ones that put your sanity and health first. I didn't for a very long time and I now made the choice to do it now. I have to take things a day at a time, sometimes hourly and the serrenity prayer is my new best friend. I have set myself new dreams and goals that only have to do with me and I am heading towards them. I am not holding myself up to perfection and am not trying to fix everyone around me anymore. I save my energy for myself and my children and the day to day chores I do and work, but not for trying to control anyone or anything. Letting go is so hard, but when done right it feels oh so good! I hand it all over to my HP no one can handle it as well as he. Set boundaries and stick to them that helped me lots. Once my AH saw that I was serious about my recovery and that I let go of his recovery and left it to him, he stopped playing the games with me. I didn't take the bait and I won't, it's not that I don't love him, if naything I love him too much and lost myself in the battle and am taking me time to find me again and I am really starting to like and enjoy me and so are my kids. I go to Al-anon regularly and my oldest and I see a counselor that deals with families of Alcoholics. It has been a lot of nice changes, hard but better. I pray that you can hand things over to your HP and take care of you!

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