In desperate need of advice. - Al-Anon Family Group

Issy18 · Newbie

In desperate need of advice.

delhommefan · Veteran Member

Hi Issy,

I'm new to the group too so I don't have any suggestions regarding how to detach. One of the people I listened to in yesterday's meeting said he was only able to detach through hate. For some people, I think that's the only way they can do it. But it would be easier, and a lot better for ourselves, if we could detach out of love and with empathy. I had never even heard of Al-Anon when I was dealing with my ex-AH. As I read the materials now, I realize I detached on my own out of self-defense. Looking back I think it was just something I did, not out of love or hate, but just pure necessity! However, there is one other key relationship in my life that is being affected by addiction (with my Mother) and I am very angry with her. I guess I am angry because she watched her Mom drink her life away, and she's carried that with her throughout here life and it's deeply affected my brother and I. And now in her 50s how could she start exhibiting the same behaviors? The materials Al-Anon provides will give you a lot of insight as to how to care for yourself, how you cannot change the addict, and eventually how to have empathy for the person. You can detach from your sister but still love her. In fact, detachment will probably make you love her more. Sometimes I think when you're in the moment with the addict, it makes you so angry that you cannot help but hate them. Detachment doesn't mean cutting her out of her life. It means focusing on yourself, being responsible for yourself, and accepting that you cannot change the addict, and the addict is ultimately responsible for herself. I would recommend staying on this board, reading some of the suggested books, and attending a meeting if and when you feel comfortable. Something I've learned over the last few years is that I've always removed myself from the situation of living with the addict (my mom when I was 18, and my ex-AH when I was 30), and even though that provided a temporary comfort to me, the feelings ALWAYS come back. And as I get older, they come back stronger and manifest in ways that affect every love relationship I try to have. Focus on yourself now, and get help for you. Hang in there!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Issy, when you find a job and move out that will create some natural distance, but it will not stop you from worrying about your mom and what your sister is doing.

You can only own your feelings. Don't tolerate abuse and you won't feel like a victim. Your mom is an adult and it's her decision what to put up with. You have to get comfortable with that.

I don't know if you have ever come at your sister with concern and love and talked to her about how her behavior is affecting you. If you do that and get nothing back...you did all you could. Just figure she is lost in sort of a forest and she has to find her own way out.

I guess what I am saying is to draw some boundaries for you in the form of "I will not accept being treated like this.....You can drink and whatever, but I won't be subject to.....(whatever)" The hate comes from having your boundaries tread upon repeatedly. When you take back your boundaries, you start to detach.

Hope it works.

Mark

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Issy
Living with an alcoholic is Too much for most of us. That is why alanon meetings are so very important. Please go to this web site and find local face to face meetings in your community

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

You will be with others who are learning to live with this disease with courage, serenity and wisdom. Here we learn to focus on ourselves, live one day at a time, and live and let live. Your mom would also benefit from such meetings

Please keep coming back

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Betty gave you the suggestion of meetings. This would be great for you. Maybe you could get your mom and dad to go too? Or at least you could bring home things for them to read.

Since you live together, it would be good to do this as a family. Better chance of a healthy start in your detaching from sis.

"Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews is a great book. I promise it is the best tool especially at first. Since you are not working at the top of the board you will find a great guy sending this book to you for free. He does it for service to Al Anon.

Hate is a strong emotion. I always thought of it as love frustrated. Once you learn your sis is very sick, that addiction is a disease, and you believe it, it will make things much easier.

Maybe your parents will come to realize that allowing her to stay home and use you all is making her sicker, they will have her leave. Or they will put boundaries into affect. The disease will make everyone in the family sick.

When we follow Al Anon ways we learn how to get well, we stop watching the addict and worrying about them. We cannot control them anyway. We learn so many tools to deal with this .

Again I hope you come back. love,debilyn

Issy18 · Newbie

Thanks for the advice everyone. I have tried talking to my sister about getting help before, but she goes back and forth on whether or not she has a problem, and shes grown to be rather belligerent towards the subject now. So I tend not to bring it up to her anymore.

Ill definitely be checking out the book Debilyn. I was trying to find some reading on the subject, so thanks a lot.

Unfortunately meetings in my city are too far away for me to go, but I will try the meetings online. Once again, thanks everybody for the advice. I really appreciate it.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have tried talking to many an alcoholic about their problems. Denial is endemic to their issues. I think for me one of the biggest revelations was not that the ex A and others needed help but that I did.

Im so glad you have goals. I can focus on any dysfunctional day and night. Getting back to focusing on myself is an hourly sometimes by the minute task. Glad you made it to here.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.