It sucks loving someone who is sick! - Al-Anon Family Group

parfait624 · Veteran Member

It sucks loving someone who is sick!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I know this feeling so well. You say that it would almost be helpful if he were a cheater because then you could walk away -- but would it really be any easier? I kept thinking I had a bottom line, and then something else would happen and I'd set my bottom line even lower, and then something even worse would happen and I'd set my bottom line even lower...

I think for those of us who have codependence/love-addiction issues, the hard part is that first period after separating. The "detox" period. When we're in the relationship, we're face-to-face with how much it hurts and how much insanity and chaos there is. I mean, in any relationship with an addict there is lots of craziness and chaos. "Unmanageable" usually hardly begins to describe it.

But after we've separated and our lives are a little calmer, we start thinking about the good stuff. And we sure miss the good stuff. And I think we feel our very real needs for someone who makes us feel good, someone we can really love. And we interpret our craving for that as a craving for the person we've just separated from. The person who was the hardware store we were trying to get bread from (if you know that story). We think, "But I really, really need some bread." And we forget the truth of the relationship.

So I wavered so many times from my bottom line. What I wish now is that I'd stuck it out through that tough period the first time. Because I'd be so many more years past it by now. Instead I had to go through that tough detox period so many times. Each time I'd waver and go back, there'd be more chaos, we'd separate again ... Sometimes we'd be separated less than 24 hours and already I'd be hurting and wavering. A lot of the time I think he didn't even notice anything was going on! But I'd be in agony.

That was with one of my addicts. Thank goodness, the other one I separated from (a different time! I wasn't involved with two at once!), I just separated and never looked back. That one was so much less painful.

I hope you can take care of yourself, whatever happens. Hugs.

-- Edited by Mattie on Monday 21st of March 2011 08:30:22 PM

-- Edited by Mattie on Monday 21st of March 2011 08:31:00 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

parfait I remember that feeling. And sometimes I would contact him, many years ago. It was always, always bad. I never got what I needed. Of course after awhile I learned that.

So then when I thought about him, my answer was, he has nothing to give me. He is no one I would want if I met him now. He is not the man I loved.

Even now YEARS later I get those crazy thoughts. Well we could at least talk a bit....yea right.

I never, ever, will see the man I loved again. He does not love me, he is so sick, he is destroyed.

Ror me I had to face, be honest with me. If he wanted to contact me he would. If he wanted me, he would tell me. I refuse to hurt myself by lowering myself to the diseases level.

Hon I really doubt you would feel any better. What would you get out of it anyway? Is he going to be yours again? Is he going to come home? I can tell you from experience, him cheating never made me want my husband less.

I believe we are not craving them, but a need, and this need cannot be filled by them anyway.

You are very early in the split. In time with work, its gets easier. I built my own life where he does not fit anyway.

Lots of love for you. debilyn

Steph444 · Veteran Member

Hey Mattie, I was thinking about this topic earlier today...About how low my bottom line has gotten over the years. I've gone through the cycle...he does something stupid...I kick him out....I did just fine as long the anger was with me, but as soon as that started to wane....Here I'd go again missing him. Tallking to him....He'd make promises. He'd come home and everything would be fine for a while.

I didn't even realize that it is quite predictible behavior for codependency. It hadn't dawned on me...

So, I am almost thankful I still live with my husband for now. I will now expect those things to happen when I move. I will be prepared. I want this life behind me so badly.

Parfait,

I too, went from planning the rest of my life with the man I loved....Now, he doesn't even speak to me unless completely necessary. I also have said I wish he would just cheat on me so it would be easy to leave. I'm so glad I found this site. I'm new so I don't know a whole lot yet, but I feel like there is some good stuff here.

Remember to take care of yourself....

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Parfait...Have you seen the movie "when love is not enough" ?
It is the story of Lois Wilson...the wife of the co-founder of AA. If
you have not go rent it and if your home group has a copy of "Lois
Remembers" see if you can buy or borrow it and read it. Lois W is
the co-founder of Al-Anon and her story also was in part, "It sucks
loving someone who is sick!!" You are not alone. Get into the
program and work it for all it's worth. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
smile

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi parfait, sorry you are going through this. I don't have any experience with leaving the alcoholic. My AH recently went through detox, is now in rehab, then going to a sober living home. I'm financially screwed and so will be selling my house and hopefully finding a condo, if I can't afford that, well, then, at 30 years old me and my daughter will be moving into my parents basement for a while. I'm just thankful I have parents I can count on and who can be there for me...even if living there will drive me nuts. I don't know if me and my AH will be together in 6 months, or if he'll eventually move in with me wherever I am...we are still together and talk almost every night, but it's a tad awkward sometimes, ...not sure what I want but I feel myself putting up this wall...maybe that's detachment, I don't know.

Sometimes I think I should just leave my husband, divorce him now - grieve, cry every night, but...I'll be happier in a year, I'll work on me and I"ll get healthy and then I can be in a real adult mature equal partnership type of relationship...eventually! (The thoughts of leaving him aren't how I feel, but I think they are out of fear - I don't want to ever go through the insanity and chaos I've lived in ever again..I'm scared that if we get back together - it could be magical for years then BOOM, welcome to crazyville all over again...I'm so so terrified of that. I mean, I don't think of it every day or anything, but when I think of my options, it enters my mind.

BUT

I love my husband and want to be with him, he's an amazing person. I don't think I'm ready to give up on us.

I hear many women who have been through this for many more years than I have say they wish they left sooner, they wish they would have never gone back, over and over again, for years. They wish it didn't take them 10, 20, 30 years to finally leave.

I don't want to be saying that 20 years from now.

I really do think though that we do what we have to, we do what we are ready for....at the time...... I hope you make the right decision for you.

I can say this though, I remember when I first came on these boards (about a year and a half ago), I heard and read all kinds of experiences and I was just in denial or not ready yet to listen, really listen. Turns out, as it always turns out, people on here, their stories, weren't so different from how mine was about to turn out - with respect to what I could have expected, this was all learned in listening to others experiences'...and I think since is progressive, it is somewhat predictable - I just remember stories I heard and thinking "nah, not my husband". .. well, I was wrong..it was my husband.... I think our stories are different but so similar in many ways....

Mattie, I LOVED your response, interesting choice of words: 'detox' from them/the relationship. I suppose if we are relationship addicts, then it is a form of detox. And this --> "And I think we feel our very real needs for someone who makes us feel good, someone we can really love. And we interpret our craving for that as a craving for the person we've just separated from." So...thought provoking. Or, we interpret our craving for someone who makes us feel good as a craving for the person they were....so maybe really accepting they are gone, not that person anymore, helps....or, telling yourself that over and over and over one hundren billion kazillion times a day...it's got to eventually stick!

Parfait, I know there are some nights where my husband hasn't called yet and it's 9:30, getting later, he usually calls or texts by now, and I start panicking almost, thinking the worst, but then I recognize my unhealthy thoughts and FORCE myself to stop thinking about him. I go do something, anything else, and I don't allow myself to obsess about it forever. The panicky feeling goes away, even if he doesn't call that night. I think I feel like this most when I'm alone at night (as there are also times at work during the day where he says he'll call and he doesn't) but I don't get so caught up in it....for some reason....maybe cause I'm busier..?

I know this isn't the same as no longer being with someone, but I do believe others who have been down that path when they say it does get easier. I have to trust that.

All the best to you,

Danielle

danielle0516 · Senior Member

When love isn't enough is a fantastic movie.... (just read Jerry's reply).

Nutbar · Veteran Member

Hi Parfait, I thought I loved my AW but later discovered that I was in fact addicted to her through constant monitoring of her drinking and behavior. She has been sober a year and their are touches of love coming back but I have issues as I have nothing to feed my addiction.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

"it has been almost two months since my ABF sent me a text I don't want any communication from you"

What this says to me is he has made his wishes clear. Putting your energy in to this program and moving forward will serve you much better. It sounds like you have already been around this mountain with him a few times. Ready to rise above and climb? We all have choices. Please choose "you".

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not alone just because you are not with him. I have dated like 5 different people and thought I might be with them for a very long time...It happens. It is a hard less but there are many fish in the sea.

Others here have different reasons for staying in the relationships with their addicts/alcoholics...You on the other hand are describing the relationship as over. What about some soul searching on why you would choose to keep going after unavailable guys that aren't good for you?

Do you not believe you deserve someone that really wants you and that will treat you wonderfully? If not, then your work is cut out for you right there.

Just my opinion...take it or leave it.

parfait624 · Veteran Member

I guess I said it would be easier if he cheated because I wouldn't stand for it. I have never been a woman who has stayed with men who mistreated her or came out of many dysfunctional partnerships. My ABF was my first sick person. He was my friend for many years prior to us making anything romantic out of it. Is it past tense or is it over....in my experiances no. It is all part of his cycle his up and down. Am I addicted? I might be to who he is inside and that person will never be free unless he decides to free him. I went almost two years with out him and he came back into my life, he said cured. I believed in fate...foolish maybe. I guess that is part of the flaw of being a romantic....I've read a little too much of the John Keats.
Yes there are many fish in the sea and I found the one who isn't quite brave enough to fight his inner demons for me right now. I guess the contact kills me because this is the person I was used to coming home to, who cheered me up when I was sad, who took care of me when I was sick. You are all right as time passes we think of all the good memories....naturally who wants to dwell in the muck. There were bad times as well when he would embarass me and make me feel not good enough. What I struggle with is I have divided him into two beings.....the man I love and the alcoholic. I can't combine one with the other and I should. My other issue is if this man is so terrible for me after so much time has past why did the universe bring him back into my life? Was it only to destory my new reality? I don't think so. There is a method behind the madness it just hasn't been revealed. What ever it is it better be good after everything I have been through! Would I ever go through this with another human being? Never, not by choice. I guess I am to much of a philosopher at times, but I can't stop believing in the power of love and it's manifestations. It's one of the only beautiful and magical things we have left. I do thank everyone for their feedback and positive words. Maybe the movie will help. Venting helps, reflection helps, and just putting positive into the universe helps.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Parfait: Take all those confused feelings and magnify them by 10. That is how you would feel if you were in a relationship with him 10 years down the road, had a house together, and kids.

An alcoholic may act like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, but they are the same person. He has some deep rooted issues and the alcoholism can only be treated, never cured. It would seem he might be so sweet when he's not drinking and there is this wonderful person underneath. That is unrealistic. There is a confused and sick addict underneath. There is fear underneath. There is inability to commit to a mature relationship underneath. There is a big ball of sickness underneath. Yeah he can be sweet and romantic when not drunk, but so can a person without all those issues or a person in recovery for a while. I'm telling you this as an alcoholic....I know.

I think it's honorable to feel for someone who has a sickness, but with Alcoholism...over a given period of time, you will feel like you have been through the ringer with him. The disease will kick both of your asses. Let God take care of him...you can't and don't have to any more.

Look at it this way: When you are single, it is time to figure out what you like and to become as confident a person as you can be so that you attract the same.

My sponsor told me this in between one of my break ups: Focus on all the things you miss about him and give them to yourself.

It was a foreign concept for me. I thought "If I can do all that for myself what do I need a relationship for??"

Well the answer is right there, you don't NEED a relationship. You will be in 10x a position of strength when you WANT the relationship but don't need it. When you get that empty feeling, feel sad, alone...be kind to yourself, visit friends, talk to family, plan your career, call folks from the program. Right now there is a hole in you where the ABF was...that wound has to heal and close up. You let him back in your life 1 x already and it turned out bad. You do not need a 3rd trial to figure out he is not stable and not good for you (in all likelihood). This is just me but I would not go for him until I had seen him work a program in AA (or in this case now Gamblers Anon) for over 1 year and then it would be something worth considering.

People are going to come and go in your life and you have to learn to be okay on your own. Sometimes people think an alcoholic will stay with them because nobody else will tolerate them. In most cases the alcoholic is like a tornado wrecking through their own and the other person's life.

Take deep breaths and now imagine a tornado free life because in breaking up with him, that is what you did for yourself.

Here is just another suggestion: Write "I am awesome and I deserve the best in life" on a piece of paper and stick it on your mirror. Sounds hokey, but it works.

Hope you feel better,

Mark

parfait624 · Veteran Member

Thanks Mark,
Very good points. As for the programs AA he has been a part of for over three years now and three years no drinking. That was one of the reasons I actually picked up the phone and listened. But you are right there are other underlined issues that need to be dealt with by him. He needs to be in a support group for gambling/pot and he needs to see a shrink to deal with family issues. Nothing I can make him do it has to be done on his own. I don't mind being on my own. This was the person who got to me. Maybe it was because it was nothing like I have ever had to deal with before in my life. The one person who keeps to wheels turning. Oh well tis life.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm recognizing a lot of things from my own AH. He jumped around between addictions too. He was a binge drinker, meaning he'd spent months not drinking (but the destructive binging would always come back). But he also had a gambling phase, and compulsive spending, and hoarding. He would just migrate between these compulsions. I think unless they get at the root of the compulsions and learn how to really manage them through a program, they'll keep on doing them. It's hard.

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

Hi Parfait. I relate to your story very much. I am currently in a relationship in which I wanted to take time apart from my ABF because of his drinking. Its been about two months now and we are trying to sort things out. But he tried to manipulate me the same way your BF did you. The pitty parties and the "if you were here I wouldn't drink" have started again. I have been with him for three years and I know how hard of a time you are going through. As hard as it is, its nice to know that I am not the only one going through the hurt. It helps to have support and hear other stories. I hope that things start to look up for you and that you find the peacefulness you deserve.

parfait624 · Veteran Member

Yes it seems there is always someone who's story sounds a lot like yours. It is good to find that common ground when you feel crazy because all of your friends are in normal partnerships! Corgi....your puppies are adorable!

sick-and-tired · Member

parfait624 wrote:
Okay so mostly I am venting....it has been almost two months since my ABF sent me a text I don't want any communication from you and three months since it all came crashing down. It hit me like a truck everything was perfect then my sober (off alcohol not pot) BF started picking fights. We were back where we were three years ago, I wasn't good enough, he wanted someone who was. As I tried to pick up the pieces I found this board and decided to start working on me. My attempt to care from the outside resulted in the text.
There have been days and nights at first I cried a lot. I couldn't believe this was happening again. Then there are moments where I feel better off. My ABF attached himself to gambling and it started to take over around the holidays. I rescently ran into his friends who mentioned he is a regular at the new casino. It saddened my heart so much was going so good now this? Now I am going back and fourth about making contact. I still love him and I know I can't cure him.....but I don't know if I am ready to close the chapter on us. We have been through so much and he is my best friend. I miss him. Most people would think I am crazy or plain stupid. But I can't help it...I went from planning the rest of my life to being alone once again. Some days I wish he was just a cheater then I could walk away. Then I go back and fourth what if he doesn't answer or return my call....I feel like a crazy person. Help!

Sweetie...You're not crazy...as hard as it may be...You're in love.

He was obviously going through his own inner battle while kickin his habit. Please, don't think for ONE second that you weren't good enough. You just obviously weren't meant to be. As hard as it is, please know and understand that everything happens for a reason. We meet people to learn from them, and every relationship we have prepares us for *the one*. Corny? Maybe. But I honestly believe that. Learn what you can from the situation and pick yourself back up.

You never know. This might not be *the end* But I definately think he needs to find himself in sobriety before he can put all of his emotions into a relationship.

If/when he decides to come back. You have to prepare yourself for a healthy mindset. In the meantime. Work on YOU. and know in your heart that his addiction has nothing to do with you. You are just someone that loves him.

Let him focus on him, and you do the same.

Everything happens for a reason.

p.s. Don't let ANYONE make you think/feel "crazy" due to how you feel. If I had a penny for everytime someone judged my relationship and the man I choose to love...well...I'd be rich. It is your life..continue to live for YOU. Take a minute to step back, evaluate the situation and make healthy choices.

-- Edited by sick-and-tired on Saturday 26th of March 2011 05:30:51 PM

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