The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I suffered from social anxiety since I was a teenager. However, when my wife was drinking she did hugely embarrassing things at parties. This includes telling people how to run their lives which ended in arguments, flashing parts of her body that should not be flashed, pinching the bottoms of senior politicians! etc etc etc. It got to the stage where I dreaded social events, even the ones she didn't attend. My father was an alcoholic and was extremely critical and I had a military style upbringing where my views meant nothing and I am somewhat subservient. So the social anxiety probably started at a young age however experiences with my AW have made it worse. And, I have also been diagnosed as being obsessive. If my AW does something wrong then I get totally overtaken by the situation. I also check my email about 100 times a day. People say I'm highly efficient; little do they know! I'm doing CBT with a psychologist and this is helping a bit. Medication is an option however, as I am a highly functional person, the doctor says I probably don't need to unless I don't improve. People who know me would be amazed at what I'm going through as I am regarded as being quite funny as I use humor to deflect from myself. Since telling my AW that I have anxiety and am obsessive she has picked up on all the instances relating to these issues and kerns telling me I'm either obsessive or anxious. She then gets impatient with me and runs off to friends and family telling them I'm a nutcase. This hurts as I feel I am making progress however the anxious side of me now makes me extra nervous of seeing the people she has complained to. If I complain she then says I'm jeopardizing her own recovery. Talk about a lonely no win situation! So after getting all this off my chest with my new friends here I am feeling a little better. In fact I don't even have a question! I suppose I just don't want to feel alone in all this and would love to hear your experiences or advice. Nutbar
Feel free to spew here anytime. I know that in the perfect world we would be able to share everything with our spouses, but when they share our personal stuff with others..then I'd not share it again. People with A behaviors would always rather talk about someone else's faults and point them out. It makes looking in the mirror easier and distracts from them and their issues.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Never tell the enemy your secrets , enemy - disease of alcoholism .. go to meetings find a sponsor and share your fears and anxiety with them it is only important that you speak up and share . Forget what she tells others or how she behaves when out for the evning , your not responsible for her behavior . wont take people long to figure out who is the one with the problem .
Thanks Abbyal. I had just read in a 12 Steps book that A's like to be angry at people as it makes them feel superior. This is exactly what you have said! Many thanks.
I agree with Abby. I once tried to connect with an AU in the family by telling them about some of my own mistakes as a way to connect. All it ever did was give him an opportunity to place judgemen on someone else and distract him from his own recovery. Just make sure you have your own needed support.
I also agree with not sharing information that can be used against you to manipulate your emotions and actions. Our loved ones would not choose to cause us harm if they could. The disease will use any method to fulfill it's needs and that includes an amazing ability to pick up on another person's weak spots. When I started practicing my program and accepted myself in all good and not so good aspects I had an easier time seeing my qualities as qualities rather than flaws. And for the record being obessive when applied to the right task is an AWESOME quality LOL even though i am legally blind I can make beautiful things and accomplish loads of stuff because of that quality! Before knowing this my focus was on trying to maintain order in a chaotic enviroment and that quality was not so awesome then, just frustrating. It has been very important to me to find my true acceptance of who I am, somehow once I knew myself I could tell whether something someone said about me was a true helpful hint and something to look inside about or if it was deflection or justification methods for themselves. Thank you fro sharing this today, I need some contemplation time on these topics
Thanks Jen. Yes, being compulsive can make someone really focus on good things. It has worked well for me in some areas of business. I apprecaite all your comments, they have been really helpful.
You can tell her to stop Nutbar...You can tell her to treat you with more respect. You can disagree about jeopardizing her recovery. That is a huge copout anyhow. Nobody makes her drink but her. She should have learned that early on in meetings.
You can do all these things, but you are powerless over the outcome. Nonetheless, I do believe we teach others how to treat us. If it hurts you, you can speak up, but be ready to take action or to accept status quo if things don't change.
I don't recommend keeping secrets from your wife. She should not be the enemy. You can be assertive without going overboard. You don't have to put up with being demeaned or emotionally abused.
As they say here...put the focus on you and what makes you happy. You are learning lots about yourself and your personality....what you like and maybe don't like so much. This is the stuff that matters right now.
Thanks very much Mark. Yes I am starting to calmly stand up for myself. I'm going to my frost f2f meeting tomorrow which I hope will be helpful. Thanks.
