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It's been almost 2 weeks since my AH was told by Childrens Aid that he can not live with us at this time. Any visitation with the kids has to be supervised, and that he is to not have any alcohol 24hrs before the visit, or anything during the visit. This is the result of an argument that he was trying to have with me, which I attempted to leave the situation, but he threaten to smash the vehicle with an axe. I am loving the serenity, the stress has diminished greatly, and the kids have been doing great! I'm just finding that I am missing him alot. I don't miss the drama and all that goes with being with an alcoholic, but I do miss him. At this point, I have no idea when or if he will come back home. CAS has told him that in order for him to come back home, that he has to seek Anger Management (which could take up to a year to get into a program) and to seek help for his drinking. He still insists that the situation was not that bad, and that he does not have any problems. So, that's my thought for the day. Miss him alot.. anyone else experience this when the other party leaves, although you know it's for the best?
Evian - are you reading my thoughts and feelings? Maybe the universe is sending out the same signals to more of us? I'm sitting here torturing myself with you tube videos of the song "Nobody Knows it But Me". Nights are lonely and the days are so sad, just keep thinking about the love that we had, I'm missing you, and nobody knows it but me. Its sweet torture, that portion of the song speaks at the center of my heart - to love someone so much and have to let go - i can really relate.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
When I miss him, I'm thinking of the good times. As if I could just order up the good times without the bad times. It's funny how the bad times get minimized in my mind and the good times seem as if they were the norm. Sadly, they were not the norm, not after the beginning.
What I try to do is to remind myself that I am addicted to him. That must be what keeps me hankering after him after everything I've been through, which didn't include threatening to demolish things with an axe but did include almost every other kind of terrible situation you can imagine. (No physical violence, but lots and lots of pain, if I look at it squarely. Even though I keep telling myself the pain was minimal and my fault -- it wasn't.) I think this is what alcoholics must feel like about the alcohol. It did terrible damage to their lives but they have a hard time seeing it because they want it so much. For a while they might agree to stop but then the cravings come back. Those are the same cravings I have for him.
I am trying to trust that living in recovery means eventually these cravings will be gone and my life will be filled with things that really do help and support me. Meanwhile I'm trying to keep perspective on how real these cravings are, and how real my memories of the wonderfulness of the relationship are. I would love to have a relationship where I could trust the person, and where there wasn't so much pain so often, and where they would still be with me because there weren't any crises. I know I can only have that relationship by closing the door on the one that didn't work. It's hard. It's like giving up alcohol. When I say to myself, "I could just call him and..." I ask myself, would I tell an alcoholic, "You could just pick up a bottle and..."
I don't know if this relevant to your situation. Take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs.
I can definitiely relate. I also had periods of time when I was glad to have the peace that came when he was not there and other times I missed him. I will always miss him .. the real him ... but that person was no longer available to me long before the body was gone too. I also felt addicted to my exah just like my love of caffeine but with expectations of the future. Before the intensity of the missing him feelings let up I had to find ways of releasing my disappointment and reluctance to let go of the dreams I had of the future, even if everything had turned around and been workable between my exah and I my perception had changed on many issues between us. What I did to help feel better and get by was to put my energy into my program and other areas of my life that needed attention and make my life the way i wanted it to be, one day at a time. The pamphlet Merry go round of denial, was a favorite and still is when I am tempted to forget how my thoughts and actions perpetuate the cycle ... I wore out a couple copies Keep putting the focus back on you and take good care of yourself and the kids.
((((Evian)))) Sorry you are going through this - you are so strong and your progress has always impressed and inspired me. I believe others when they say it gets easier with time... I'm sure the same will be true for you. It is so so sad this disease and what it does to people. Try and appreciate your new found serenity and peace.
When I really miss my husband (he was in detox, now rehab, and then off to a sober living home, we are still together though, although it feels kinda like a separation)..anyway, when I really miss him, and start hurting badly, I force myself to remember so many of those god awful nights when the adrenaline was flowing, my heart was pounding, and I was so so sick with worry and panic and fear that my husband would die, when he was SO completely insane and delusional...I was so insane myself, I remember how horrible those nights were, how physically sick they made me, and then, I'm grateful my husband is away getting better, or I'm just grateful that that insanity isn't happening at this moment. It's so easy to remember the good and diminish the bad...it's the default thought, but, at least I catch that and realize it now. It helps....I mean I still miss him, but it helps me to feel better in recognizing that I would rather the peace. I would pick peace any day of crazy, insane delusion.
Mattie, once again, your reply really stuck with me.
"... It's hard. It's like giving up alcohol. When I say to myself, "I could just call him and..." I ask myself, would I tell an alcoholic, "You could just pick up a bottle and..."
Wow I can relate to all of you too much. I love MIP it keeps me as close to sane as I can get. I am missing my AH, but not all the chaos he brings. I am addicted to him the way he is to alcohol and I am detoxing again. I have to remind myself to dettach again. I thought that when I filed for divorce more than a month ago after being seperated for 10 months I would be done. I had a relapse and now it begins all over, but I know more and have to reapply my boundaries and focus solely on taking care of me and my kids. I even chose to go by him when he called drunk and late last weekend and I said I wouldn't. I even got that knowing look from my 13 year old and I am sure it is scary for her since we have been back and forth over the last 15 years, so I told her that I wouldn't get together with him or live with him unless he actively worked a 12 step program for a long time first and that was unlikely to happen anyhow and I mean that! I am an addict too and am obsessed with him and what he is doing and being alone gets boring, because I still have a hard time figuring out hwat to do with me, but I am getting better and registered for a 5k (crazy YES). I set up a meeting tonight with him before he starts drinking to dettach and set boundaries and I mean it this time and I am going to stick to my guns. I am so over the spiraling in my head that starts when I let myself not focus solely on taking care of me and my kids. Once again I needed to read this today, Thank you!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Keep putting the focus back on you and take good care of yourself and the kids.