The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Can anyone talk to me about your experiences when your A was just beginning their recovery?
My A, after 12 years of being a "dry drunk" and having a relapse is now working the program, has a sponsor, and is going to several meetings a week. I am also working on my recovery and it seems like things between us are worse than they ever were when he was drinking. I want to be there for him, and be a good listener but still work on my own stuff. It's just hard. Hard not to be resentful. Hard not to wish we had a "normal" relationship. I feel like somehow I got a bum deal by falling in love with him. I thought things would be easier now but they're not, yet.
He keeps telling me about how there are alot of couples in his circle of AA friends. It seems like it would be easier to be in a relationship where your both on the same team, know what I mean? Of course I would never wish to have the disease of alcoholism, but sometimes I wish I could be the one who gets taken care of insted of the one doing all the caretaking.
I think early recovery is some of the hardest times - primarily because you cannot be each other's sponsors, whereas in a so-called "normal" relationship, a couple shares all intimate and personal things with each other.... Another example of how different relationships are involving an A, and additional backup as to why in any counselling we need the therapist to have substantial training in addictions-related issues.
It was explained to me that I needed to have and focus on my own recovery, while my recovering AW worked on her own, and at some time (months or even years) we "may" reconnect and rebuild our relationship. It never happened for us, but I DO know some success stories out there.... patience is definitely a virtue, in these cases.....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Aimee...For me change is difficult especially when I don't have all the reasons why to or the instructions on how to and the right expectations on what to expect. When my alcoholic wife first got sober she was going about it and I was left with all of my crap and no place to put it or not knowing how to handle it. She was "out there" and I was still in the swamp with all of the never handled feelings, thoughts and whole spirit and body pains of having drug myself thru hell of alcoholism. I was sick and tired and tired and crazy and she was at a meeting and not drinking. She didn't stop out of care for me...she stopped because she wanted to stop without even considering me or talking to me about it. Neither of us knew the way it should be and I remaind nuts. I added more nuts to that pile with jealousy, a heap of new resentments plus suspicions and self pity. After a time she came to ask me if I thought she was alcoholic and from my very best awareness I told her no and we went back to the normal rip roaring insanity and I got a mirco-inch of taking my self out of the picture called life.
Your last sentence is the enablers wish and it can be fulfilled. I learned it was I who had to take care of myself. I had to fulfill my own wish to be taken care of and that was done finally by entering the Al-Anon Family Groups and allowing myself to be unconditionally love by strangers and taught by the same group who had walked the journey before me. You are not alone and you are love unconditionally by a worldwide fellowship of hundreds of thousands of others just like you some of who I might meet face to face in meetings and other events and some you will only meet heart to heart like here at MIP.
I once cried as a result of a counselor asking me this question "What do you suppose it feels like to be loved by you?". Let me always remember that I must place myself within that kinds of unconditional caring love and support.
Keep coming back...this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
There is a solution toyour dilema Aimee . stop caretaking .. AA is taking care of him now is the time to look after yourself ..early recovery is nuts making time in my opinion , we seem to have expectations that its going to be perfect and its not ,I had to get rid of the fantacy that I had in my head and accept what is offered , some days all an alcoholic can do is just not drink and I always remember that one sober day or hr with a sober A beats a day of drunk any time . Lower your expectations and take care of you . My husb and I made a deal in recovery , we dont get to take each others inventory , most days that works some days we forget hehe .. Leave him to AA and let Al-Anon take care of you . We have an awsome book called Living with Sobriety small red book has alot of good info for newly sober couples also Dilema of the Alcoholic marriage is awsome has great suggestions on communication , aparently were not good at that . HA no kidding . Hang in there focus on your own needs it does get better . I might also suggest that you find our pamphlet on detachment this works drinking or not .
I seem to be experiencing the opposite.... My husband has been sober 9 years this September. In the beginning, him being newly sober brought us back to a honeymoon stage. He said he felt as if he was seeing me for the first time.
He seemed very grateful and happy. Plus we did get back together. We actually remarried.
Now I'm feeling I'm living with a dry drunk, as he is unavailable emotionally at this point. (he doesn't have program)
My sponsor reminded me "You can't get bread from a hardware store."
However, I think I'm also emotionally unavailable myself...
Placing it in God/hp's hands and living one day at at time.
PS. For myself, I try to not hang onto my resentments for too long. I remember in one of the daily readers it says "resentments mark the areas where we see ourselves as victims."
Amazing responses, thank you so much!!!! I really needed to hear it, and I feel like I can focus a little better just from hearing what you had to say.
It's "funny" because last night after I had posted this topic, my youngest daughter came downstairs and vomited all over my bedroom carpet. I spent the entire night taking care of her as she continued to be sick every 20 minutes like clockwork. It's like the universe was yelling at me, Hey! Your children need your care-taking, not this grown man who is perfectly capable of caring for himself. Focus! And it worked!
This, in combination with all of your insightful words, really made me focus on what I should be doing right now. I can care for my girls and myself but my A is on his own right now. It feels cold to say that, but I know he will be just fine. He's getting the help he needs and I'm starting to get what I need too.
In my experience, early recovery was almost as hard as active drinking. No chemicals, some things were just as crazy. My AH went to multiple meetings each day when he first got in recovery, and his sponsor had him on a tight leash. He and his sponsor met a lot, he talked to lots of people in the program, and as soon as he met the sobriety requirement, he began a lot of service work.
When my AH was drinking, I didn't see him all that much. He didn't drink at home ... he just came home to pass out (after enduring a screaming, crying, tantrum from me most of the time). When he got sober, I really thought I would see him a lot more. I had a lot of expectations that I would - that things would be perfect and that we would make up for all the lost time. In the beginning I was resentful because it didn't happen. Just about all of his time that wasn't spent at work or sleeping was either spent in the gym or in meetings/with AA friends. I was jealous and didn't understand.
In time, I began to understand that it had to be that way. If he didn't full devote his time and energy into staying sober, he was going to drink. The kindest thing I could do was get out of the way and let him recover.
Also, I had a lot of free time that I was now not spending being a lunatic like I was when he was actively drinking, so there was a lot of opportunity to refocus that time on myself and my recovery. I began to understand that yes, I could be a good listener if/when he wanted to talk. However, I was not able to fix him - nothing I'd ever done had made him get sober. When he finally wanted it bad enough, AA was there.
I don't think it's a bum deal at all that I fell in love with an A. My whole life is permeated with them. I consider it a great blessing that I have finally been able to get recovery for myself, to finally understand my alcoholic relatives, and to learn how to live. I wouldn't have gotten that without the qualifier that got me in the door of recovery. I certainly didn't always feel this way, though - I've been where you are. Keep coming back. Writing a gratitude list at the end of every day helps me focus. Doesn't have to be big stuff - just "I'm grateful for the yummy cup of coffee" or "I'm grateful the dog is always excited to see me when I come home" kind of stuff. ;)
Aimee, I can realte to your post so much. If you check my last few post you will see i have been struggling with this issue. My ABf has been sober for nearly 7 months and I have experinced a transition too. When he was actively drinking I had learnt how to work my programme then when he got sober i just wanted everything to be o.k. things have improved but he can not still meet the high exectations that i had set. I also started getting angrey and jelous. He had enough and told me we needed a break so I could focus on my recovery. I do believe I have just experienced some kind of rock bottom. I am now trying to focus on me and my recovery, he is focusing on his and is doing so well. The best thing I can di is heal so I do not attack. get rid of my anger, resetment self pity its not nice for me or him. I think I am fibnally starting to focus on me. My abf and i met today and we hav reconnected however we are living apart so tht we can focus on ourselves.
I think early recovery is some of the hardest times - primarily because you cannot be each other's sponsors, whereas in a so-called "normal" relationship, a couple shares all intimate and personal things with each other.... Another example of how different relationships are involving an A,....this is from Tom. Thanks Tom.
Hi all, I read this yesterday and I couldn't get it out of my mind. The idea of in a normal relationship you are your spouse's "sponsor". He and I have been in AA and AlAnon (respectively) for 11 yrs. and the other day was our 40th wedding anniversary. I was not overly happy about the wedding anniv. and he didn't act like he was either. Our relationship is like housemates with benefits, but otherwise only close because we have been together for 40 years. Not emotionally intimate and I never tell him my troubles. I go to AlAnon and talk to my friends there. I'm sure he does the same. We put up a good front for people...all people, including our 4 daughters just so that they won't be troubled. We don't argue because we don't talk.
As you can tell by my posting, it bothers me....a lot. I never thought of a normal relationship as having my spouse be my sponser.... but that is right on.
-- Edited by maryjane on Monday 21st of March 2011 01:54:33 PM
