"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Abbie · Newbie

What do I do now?

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Abbie,
I am not sure how long you have been attending al anon, I was just wondering do you keep in contact inbetween meetings with other members. I was emotionally unwell i needed more than one meeting a week to try and deal with the craziness in my life. Over the past 6/7 months i have only been going to one meeting ecause my A is sober, but I have been getting worse so have decided to go to more meetings just been to one this morning and feel a lot better already. I also decided to get more phone numbers from other members I need to have more contact with al anon memebers once a week is not enough for me. All my life i have put others and their needs first. I could not do what was good for me because they needed me. Well now my A is lookig after his own needs he does not need me. I think it is about time I started doing what is right for me. I hope you can do the things that you need to do to take care of you in the middle of all this (YOU MATTER TOO). Al non is the answer for us.

hugs

Rhivenn · Member

Abbie - welcome (for one) and if you click on my name, and read my first post here, you'll see I can relate to the text msg thing. My Abf wasn't sending explicit ones, but they certainly were verging on emotional infidelity, and definitely were him giving attention to another woman, that should have been given to me. He isn't active in his drinking, and has been clean & sober for 4+ years now, however, I'm learning that some of their behaviors while messed up (selfishness etc) can spill over into their sobriety. I have chosen to forgive Abf, as we did have many frank, open discussions about the betrayal I felt he'd done. Also, I do still spy on his phone from time to time, and while he and his ex do still text on occasion, the frequency has decreased dramatically, and he no longer flirts with her, and nor are they sending pics back and forth. The msgs are so benign, it almost makes me laugh, like they're holding on to a shred of friendship that remained from their relationship, but I can see he no longer needs her like he once thought he did. In the end, you have to decide what's right for you: you also have to either forgive your partner, or not. If you can't, then maybe staying isn't right for you. If you can forgive her (like did my Abf) then you truly have to forgive her. However, I believe for that to happen, a conversation (or maybe several) have to take place between the two of you.

Hope this helps.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP, and congrats to you for choosing Al-Anon - that is truly the most positive thing you can do for your entire situation..... You say your partner "wants to get better" but I would disagree, from what you have said.... she rebukes AA on the basis of religion, which is a cop out (many athiests/agnostics have found sobriety through AA) - one of the main tenets of any recovery program (including our own) is that we have to give up control, and accept that we can't do it on our own..... Your partner is still trying to resolve her problems on her own, and the track record for alcoholics resolving their addiction without help is not promising....

You are on the right path for you and your recovery..... you getting more awareness and education,as well as learning to practice self-care, are critical for you, and ultimately for your partner. I would recommend getting a copy of "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews - this book will answer so many of your questions, and put you well on your road to recovery for you.

Take care
Tom

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Abbie, welcome to mip.

Its hard to go thru what you are. Also very difficult when they bring up the suicide threat. The thing is we have no control whether we leave or not if that happens.

A friend of mine years ago did the heroin and drinking thing and was dead in a houseful of friends.

We learn in Al Anon to follow what we need for ourselves. We learn we cannot make them stop or start using, so we concentrate on making sure we are following our own dreams.

I got where I felt his disease was none of my business.

Hon I know how horrible it is. Many of us, me included, check to see if they are still breathing, many times. Watching my AH kill himself, never smiling never talking was too much.

I hung in until he got abusive, then that was that. I tell ya I never regretted finally being free of the disease.

Stayed as long as I could.

The disease sucks us in. We start really watching them and forget ourselves. Al Anon reminds us, and guides us to a better life. The steps do work. After awhile they sink in and come natural. It takes as much time as it does.

Going to face to face meetings gets to where that feels like home. We have meetings here, a chat room and our board. Also you can pm people. some of us post our emails.

You just click on our names and you will see some bio's etc.

Its great you found us. I sure send you love and your partner too.

love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Abbie and I'll include my welcome also. I am in support. Al-Anon saved my
life after it was trounced by alcoholism. I'll echo what Tom suggested and said and
the others. More meetings for you and you will learn much more and grow much more
stronger in awareness and self love and sane choices. The fellowship is here for you.

What do you do now...Change...get into the face to face meetings and sit, listen,
learn and practice, practice, practice.

Alcoholism and drug addiction is cunning, powerful and baffling without help it is too
much for us.

Keep coming back here also...(((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"