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He was getting better and kept his drinking to a low since New Year's but it seems in the last couple weeks he's drinking more, not every day but more than he was. I'm noticing a personality change in him again. He's quick to lose his cool. Simple things set him off, his tone of voice has even changed with me lately, he sounds angry, I say something which seems quite normal to me and he fires back like I said something wrong.. I don't know why, he was getting better already. All I can think of is he is drinking more. He makes me feel responsible for these blow ups of his. I find myself apologizing or trying to justify myself like it's my fault. I'm getting so sick of this. Right now I'm shaking, he hasn't talked to me for a couple of days and he's making me feel responsible? I can't make him change, but how do I stop this from affecting me?
He wasn't "getting better" by drinking less - that is a facade.... Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and he can't control his drinking forever.... He may well have cut back for awhile, but his disease will win out in the long run.....
Remember the old adage - "he will either drink or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Choose recovery for you, regardless of what he does\
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I checked some of your previous posts and saw one that stated you don't like meetings. While I don't want to push them on you; however, I would like to share a few things.
Tonight, I went to my second meeting. Yes, it felt weird. Some of the members were more open than others. Many did not speak at all and they were not new members. No one, absolutely no one tried to get anyone to speak.
I was one of the 2 newcomers. I was asked if I'd like to speak; however, I chose not to speak tonight. As I drove home I berated myself for not doing so; I sorta felt as though I just took from the group, didn't give back. However, I suddenly realized that by being their to listen to others who felt the need to speak I did contribute to the group. I figure sometimes I'll speak, sometimes I won't. But I can always lend a genuine ear to someone who needs to be heard.
Do what is best for you. I wished I had learned a long time ago that taking care of myself was the best thing I could ever do for my then-alcoholic husband. I wish I knew back then that I didn't cause him to drink. He used to throw it up in my face that if it weren't for me, or if I'd be a better wife, then he wouldn't drink. I swallowed the bull for a long, long time. But no more.
Take care of you, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hi, Al anon is our medicine, my partners disease has made me ill also so I have to take my al anon medicine to ensure I do not get sick. The best way to stop it affecting you is to go to meetigs. As mentioned you do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with. Sometimes it ca be a bit scary to join a new group of people but remember these people know what you are living with because they are or have too. They will not judge you, they will not think you are stupid or weak, they understand. The best thing about meetings is you realise you are not alone, you are not the only person living with this, infact some people have it a lot worse and are living happy lives. If you atten meetings and only listen that is fine I have seen people come to meetings and not share for months and months but they are there and they are listening and learning about this disease and how to protect themselves. There are other ways to look after you too such as reading al anon literature, keep in contact with other al anon memebers between meetings, get a sponsor, come on here, these are called the al anon tools use them they work. The more you work on you get the focus on you the less time you will have to worry about him. Al anon says let go let god you can not make your partner well but you can get you well. If you do the suggested things you will get well and hopefully one day his HP will lead him into recovery. hugs
-- Edited by Tracy on Saturday 19th of March 2011 09:19:50 AM
it sounds like he isnt the only one reverting back to old behavior , your taking to heart the fact that he is blaming you for his drinking and if he is an alcoholic and trying to control his drinking , you bet hes angry his body wants more and he is trying to control hasnt figured out yet that he cant , for an alcoholic its all or nothing . Justifying your behavior and taking the blame for arguments etc is also old behavior if nothing else I have learned to apologize for what I did do and never apologize for something I didnt . * that one took awhile * Please find meetings for yourself Dori this is just too damn hard to do alone . Louise Something made me want to put this down IF YOUR GONNA DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE , YOUR GONNA GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT . Hasnt spoken to me in days rang a bell too ,my husb used to do that to me all the time and I just made it worse by always asking stupid questions like ( did i do something to upset you ) would you like to talk about it ?? one day after a meeting where I had shared about the silent treatment a lady came up to me and said , Have you ever thought of enjoy ing the silence ? I looked at her like she was nuts but had to admit I hadnt , she said well think about it when hes not talking he's not complaining or trying to pick a fight . enjoy the silence she said turn up the music and dance !! she had a point and I did take her advice I asked husb once if anything I have done or said upset him , if he says no I let it go and leave the mood with him where it belongs , funny the moods dont last nearly as long as they used to = go figure
-- Edited by abbyal on Saturday 19th of March 2011 10:24:36 PM
Hi there, reading your post makes me remember how my AH would make me feel like it was my fault for his emotional abuse and I would apologize and do even more to earn his love. One day I decided enough and stopped playing his games. I now take care of myself and all this happened because of Al-anon meetings and finding a sponsor. I still love my AH, but I have moved out and realized I am better for it. If you can make it to meetings and read Al-anon literature and start practicing the slogans things will change for the better. My HP loves me without me having to earn it and wants me to be gentle with myself and now I feel it and am realizing all that I am capable of. I wish you the best on your journey.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I've been to several meetings. One of the reasons I quit attending was because of my premature hearing loss. It was very difficult to hear what members around the table were saying. I could hear a little of what they were saying, but for the most part not enough to make it meaningful to me . I told them of my problem but even with hearing Aids it still wasn't clear what was being said so I was getting very little from the meetings. I was embarrassed because of my problem. so I bought some alanon books from them and have been reading them ever since. It seems I can connect more with books then with voices around a table that I can't hear very well. There I said it.
Yes, thank you for reminding me of reverting back. It seems I have and need to work on that.
Thanks Betty. I tried to get into online meetings (more than once )and I can't get in for whatever reason. I appreciate help from anywhere including this board.
Glad you were honest and thanks for showing your vulnerablity. I can relate to your share and hope you can dettach with love. Sorry if I affended you in any way in my last post.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
