Need some Al-Anon perspective on my failures - Al-Anon Family Group

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Need some Al-Anon perspective on my failures

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

VVT: You are questioning yourself and over complicating the program. You do have choices...you can make requests and even demands on how people treat you. What you cannot control is how they react to your boundaries. This is all an issue of control. The only thing I would say that you did which compromised you was going back on the boundary you set.

You can tell him he needs to stop drinking. You can tell him not to have affairs too. You cannot control whether he does it. Make sense? Don't feel bad for asking for what is right. Don't feel bad for asking him to respect your marriage. Don't feel bad for wanting and asking for a marriage where alcohol is not being abused and active alcoholism is not on display for your children. All the things your are asking from your husband are within the realm of what most people would consider as right. The program is not for you to get comfortable with and not care about his misbehaviors. You are expecting God to make this situation better. That is not going to happen. Go to God with the prayer to make you strong enough to handle the situation AS IT IS.

Live life on life's terms. You have an alcoholic husband that is cheating on you. You cannot change this directly... What are you going to do about it? It sucks. Nothing about your situation right now is to your liking but you must accept it as it is.

I have had to read the following in the big book repeatedly to learn this: Page 417 - Acceptance is the answer:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.

Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.

I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.

I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.

Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.

That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

"handle the situation AS IT IS"

Thank you, pinkchip. I was trying to reframe the situation to how I WANT IT and not accept it AS IT IS.

This is my life: I am standing next to a nuclear reactor. It is melting down. The reactor is reacting. How am I going to respond?

If I lay down on the ground next to the reactor, crying and begging for it to stop, guess what, it will keep melting down. If I tell the reactor to stay away from me, it will keep melting down. If I run away from it, it will keep melting down. If I stand strong and ask for help, I can choose a response and minimize the damage. And, I may need to experiment and try different things to see what will work in my situation. I am learning.

Thank you for the dose of Al-Anon iodine. Time to put on my Al-Anon protective gear and face my nuclear reactor.

-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Friday 18th of March 2011 01:07:12 PM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not a failure , just a desperate wife trying to save a marriage . I am sorry but infidelity is very common in our relationships and totally unexceptable you deserve better . If you cannot leave your situation boundaries for your health are a must , if you continue to have an intimate relationship with your husb your putting your health at risk , when you decide that enough is enough you will know what to do . No self esteem , no self worth are the reasons we stay in situations like this ( I too have been where your at ) I know what infidelity did to me it is the ultimate betrayal and I deserved better but said nothing , I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again .

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I like the analogy...but your life is not the nuclear reactor. Your husband is the nuclear reactor. You have choices to make and none of them are going to be easy. This is the part of "Acceptance is the answer" that I think Abbyal is getting at and what I would refer back on too:

Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey there Very Very Tired, your post made me think of the "two steps forward, three back" thought - Bravo for you, you took those steps forward, you got pushed back, yeah, but you took them, had the courage to take them. Next time maybe it will be easier, next time maybe you'll take three steps, or only two back, but keep trying.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to agree with Abby. For me, an affair would be a deal breaker. The affair would mean to me that there is no marriage to save. People have different perspectives as to what they will accept. Adultry and violence were two things that were solid boundaries. Do it once, I'm gone.
I come to these boundaries out of experience (my first marriage). I thought it could be worked out. Denial for me also meant I convinced myself I could fix it. My XH thought my staying in the situation (while knowing what was happening) gave him the green light to carry on.
I stayed out of fear. I was young and had two babies. The night he didn't come home was the dawn that I left, never to return.
That was a long time ago. Those babies have children of their own. My girls know why I left and neither of them have allowed themselves to be in that situation. Thank HP. I have to wonder what they would consider "normal treatment" had I stayed.

Christy

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I read the title of your post about your failures??? You sound like you are blaming yourself for the affair and drinking? You set boundaries in the sand and let him cross them and push farther. I am reminded when I was at my wits end and I was so afraid of leaving, I thought what was I so afraid of? I knew my HP wanted more for me than a series of chaotic days to be merely survived. You deserve a life without such emotional abuse. How do you stay knowing he is having an active affair in your face. I do pray you aren't blaming yourself. Do you have a sponsor? Stick to your boundaries you are worth it!!!! I am praying for you!

delhommefan · Veteran Member

You are definitely not a failure! I don't think any normal person would refrain from expressing their need to have a chemical-free, monogamous, healthy marriage for the sake of yourself and your children. Sadly, you are right though, about not having control over his choices. You do have control over your own though. I went through a similar situation with my ex (minus the cheating...that would've ended it much sooner for me). He would hide his alcohol from me but I knew better. I also gave ultimatums. We went through several marriage counselors and he only agreed to go when I threatened to go by myself. Then he wouldn't be able to defend himself so he'd always show up to save face. And then he'd lie and turn it all back around on me. He also used our daughter to manipulate me. Sometimes he'd tell me he would never allow me to see her again if I left. Or he'd start crying and making me feel guilty for wanting to "break up the family" and how horrible that would be for our daughter. Or he'd sometimes stoop as low as to tell me what a horrible mother I was and how no judge would ever allow me to have our daughter. The sad thing is that while I was in the situation, I actually believed all that! I ended up consulting an attorney prior to leaving to see what my rights were, how to leave the right way, and what his chances of "taking our child away" were which obviously were absolutely not going to happen. I don't know if this helps you or not, but just wanted you to know I understand the manipulation through the children thing. It's the lowest, worst form of guilt anyone can apply, but an addict will do it.

Take care of you. Practice the detachment to the best of your ability. Either he will change or he won't and if you detach and focus on yourself, your choices will be easier to make. (((HUGS)))

Lori

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Very, Very Tired

You have been working very, very hard and have not failed

Your alanon tools are active and well. Acceptance is a painful place to be I did find that I never stayed in acceptance because it was so painful and always rushed to action

Alanon told me I had to sit in acceptance and feel exactly what was going on You are doing that and now the action is to ask HP for guidance.

Everyone here has confimed you deserve to be happy , safe and out of chaos HP will lead the way

Praying for your peace.

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

"sit in acceptance and feel exactly what was going on"

Thank you! Sitting and feeling are hard to do. It hurts to feel. I see that I am covering my feelings by rushing to action. If I act, then I don't have to hurt. But, hurting is part of healing: I can't heal what I don't feel.

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