The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having a difficult time with dealing with my Al/ad daughter and doing what I need to do to stop the enabling I'm doing. Her husband left her with thier 6 y.o. daughter last week, I've been keeping her 16 y.o. son for the past 6 months or more. He is on ss which is her only income since her husband left, I've allowed her to keep his check and even gave his an allowance. He usually goes home on the week-end, I heard this past week-end she allowed him to have his girl friend in his room, maybe overnight. Her husband left because he couldn't deal with her drinking and drugging which seem to be getting worse, people in and out of the house, no respect for him, not taking on any responsibility of the house, or help with getting daughter to school. I know she think she can make it on the amount she recieves, becauce she is on section 8 housing and will let some of her "friends" stay with her, and anything else she may be doing. I'm afraid she will make her son come back home if I approach her about the money, and if I report it to ss all hell will break out. She hasn't worked in 6 years. I'm afraid her son will chose to go home because she doesn't provide any supervision. I know I'll feel better when I get the courage to do what I have to do.
Aloha Ruby...If you look in the white pages of your local telephone book and find the hotline number for Al-Anon you will be able to call and number that can hook you up with alot of other family, friends and associates of alcoholics/addicts and you can get help and support for yourself. Glad you found MIP also where you can talk about what you need for you also. Keep coming back often. In support (((((hugs)))))
Take Jerry's suggestion and put the focus on yourself. That can be best done by controlling the only person you have any control over...you. The chaos caused by this disease is to much for most of us and without help our lives become unmanageable and out of control. This disease can, and will take a toll on your health, mind, body, and spirit.
My heart goes out to you Ruby, but now is the time for you to start taking care of yourself first. You state in your Bio. that you attend meetings weekly, use your program and make the changes needed that will allow you to get your life back. Try something different. Allow HP the time to work his miracles. It's the best thing you can do for yourself and the alcoholic's in your life.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 17th of March 2011 09:29:38 PM
Sometimes the hardest thing is to "do nothing". That is what is suggested when we aren't sure what the best thing is. Sometimes forcing a solution makes matters worse. I'm not suggesting you "do" anything, just saying it's OK to just sit on the problem if you choose to.
Take a moment to figure out what would give you peace (within your control). Is it enough to care for your grandson and turn the rest over to HP? Sometimes getting involved with reporting people opens up a huge can of worms that wasn't planned on. Would your daughter then be homeless, taking the 6 yr. old to roam from friend to friend. Would she expect to move in with you? Would you end up with both children while she is free to do as she pleases?
I'm just throwing scenerios out there..
I can't approve of anyone's abuse of the system that taxes pay for, or enabling anyone... but in the world of Alanon the goal is to do what is best for you so you can have peace within.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
This is a really tough one. When you tell all this outside of a forum like this, I am sure you get lots of responses about what you SHOULD do. I'm guessing you get a lot of "I would cut her lazy @#$ off!" Easy to say that when they are not your kids and grandkids. Clearly there are plusses and minuses to whatever you decide to do. Very complicated. You have support here.
Tough love is not easy, but here's how it was for me.
Until I made boundaries and stuck to them the same old same old just kept going around. Until I had had enough and realised that I had to change something in me, nothing changed. Until I stopped taking responsibilities that were NOT mine to take, nothing changed and my daughter simply expected me to dance to her tune. Until I realised that I was acting out of guilt as well as love I did things that were not necessarily helpful for healing. Until I gave my self worth, no one else valued me for me but only for what they could get from me. Until I decided that I needed to live my life too, for I only had this one chance, I did not have a life of my own.
All these things had to become apparent to me. My motives behind what I did and why had to be crystal clear before I could make an informed and healthy decision. The decision to let go and make her stand on her own, with THREE children, seemed heartless and cruel and almost broke me, but given time I seequite the opposite, it was NOT heartless, it was NOT cruel and I am here in one piece whereas if I had continue the way I had I most definitely would have been broken.
It was the best thing I ever did to let go and hand her the resposibilities that she had created for herself by her own decisions and choices, and there is a move forward and a growing up and a learning that has had to been faced. Yes and that meant I had to let her children go too and I stopped treating her like a child and gave her her adulthood and adulthood takes responsibility for its actions.
My fear of losing my grandchildren was challenged deeply and for a time I did not have contact but I never stopped loving them and showing them I loved them as often as I was able or allowed. There were periods of time that I lived with an incorrect belief that all would not work out, but I had to have a faith and trust to let go and let GOD and let my daughter take on board for herself what she had to do.
It takes great courage to do this and I had to do it bit by bit, but bit by bit I did hand all of this over and the more I did hand over the controls to her the more she had to battle it out and DO SOMETHING about it instead of relying on me to sort out her mess.
Today, the situation is a million miles away from what it was and because of the love I gave it up in, and continue to give it in, there is a change and a positivity that never would have been born if I had continued to let my daughter heap the responsibility on me to sort out her family and her life for her whilst she just did what she wanted and what she liked regardless of her responsibilities and children.
In my opinion, I see that you have the same choices that I had and I would encourage you to =
Take courage, take one moment at a time, but take back YOUR life and decide to recognise the healing that you need so that you will be in a better position to come alongside your daughter when she faces her own challenges, but let her do it, don't do it for her for she will never be a person in her own right if you keep holding her back from growing up.
Take what you like from this and leave the rest...I can only tell you how it was for me and what I learnt to do for the best and for my own recovery.
Sent with love always, Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Thank you all for your support/comments, really, really helpful. I feel less pressured today. Today as I was reading my bible( Life Recovery) and meditating during my devotional time, I read that God's healing love is guiding & supporting me through the recovery process, no matter how strong my enemy (my daughter & etc.) they can't thwart God's plans. He is working behind the scenes on my behalf to accomplish his purpose for me and my love ones. Today, I'm going to work on keeping my focus on God instead of my circumstances. P.S. since I'm a newbee, I need to find out how to remove my name from my post!
Go to your profile and the third item down at the top left is "Edit Profile". From there you can delete your name and add a nickname. Then go to the bottom of the page and click on "save profile". Mission accomplished.
