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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My story
Post Info TOPIC: My story
samsam


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My story
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Hi everyone, I'm new to this space.

I've been in recovery for my own addiction for 12 months and doing really well. Unfortunately my wife of 10 years has not coped well with my recovery. I believe she is a "dry" alcoholic, as she put down the single-malt whiskey four years ago and did not enter any recovery program of her own. Since then her anger has increased significantly.

Since I hit my own rock bottom and entered into recovery, my life has changed dramatically. However, the GUILT that I feel as a result of looking after myself and not allowing her to control my life and abuse me on a daily basis is crushing. The "codie" in me just desperately wants to caretake her feelings. I know this comes from my FOO where my parents withdrew affection if I did something to upset them or cause disapproval. I've been a massive doormat and people-pleaser all my life, and no situation more so than in my current relationship.

The more I move forward in my recovery and the more boundaries I set, the more hostile and resentful my wife becomes. She already thinks that everything is my fault. My fellow 12-steppers told me at the beginning of my program that she would either see the positive changes in me and decide to make changes in her own life, or she would try to drag me down with her. Unfortunately it's been the latter. She has also refused to come to couples counselling.

I am desperately unhappy and want to leave, but we have two small children. I've resigned to not making any rash decisions, but that means I need to try and detatch and not allow her foul attitude to affect my new-found assertiveness and independence. It is VERY hard. I'm also not sure how much to dedicate to alanon at the expense of my other 12-step program - as it is I only make two meetings per week.

Looking forward to learning more from you all on this site.

Sam




-- Edited by samsam on Thursday 17th of March 2011 06:15:01 PM

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samsam


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I'm sorry about the tiny font size, my computer won't allow me to change it! bleh

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abbyal


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Often when the alcoholic seeks recovery the non drinker becomes more angry and resentful , the alcoholic is settled in his . her own program and the spouse feels shut out . There is nothing worse than when someone in the home is getting happy and it isn't YOU. Unfortunatley your wife has a choice find a program of her own* Al-Anon * where she can get rid of her resentments in a healthy manner come to terms with the fact that she has choices and a part in the mess we created . If she chooses to not find recovery there is nothing you can do about that .  If you could find a Al-Anon meeting durring the lunch hr or on a weekend it will round out your program ,AA comes first . good luck  Louise

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samsam


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Thanks Louise. My addiction is a process addiction, I believe my wife is the alcoholic. Nonetheless, one person can't save the relationship; it takes two to make it or break it. Her words and actions have made it very clear that she is not in the slightest bit interested in looking at her "stuff", choosing instead to blame me for all the problems inherent in our marriage ("YOU'RE being selfish. YOU'RE self-absorbed. YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU...". etc).

It's so interesting to see that the "rules" in my current family are exactly the same as the rules in my FOO: don't talk about your feelings, don't ask for your needs to be met, blame everyone else for your problems and make sure you nail yourself up on the cross while you're at it. It's no way to live.

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pinkchip


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Are you sure you are not being selfish or self-absorbed? Now that you have a new support group that backs you, you are going to hear all sort of positive feedback about you, supporting you, and in favor of you. Try and hear her out and get to the root of things. She doesn't have a big group of people all telling her she is right. Communication is key.

All I know is that when I was 1 year into recovery, I was still very selfish and self-absorbed. That is my nature as an addict... When people call me selfish, I have to pay attention cuz that is one of my biggest character defects.

Not trying to attack or take sides on an issue I know very little about...just offering another perspective from someone who has been in recovery for just a little while longer than you.

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Jerry F


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Aloha Samam...what you wrote was...

"However, the GUILT that I feel as a result of looking after myself and not allowing her to control my life and abuse me on a daily basis is crushing." 

If you need some one elses permission to not feel guilty about being responsible to
your self and for your self...here it is.  Go ahead and drop the guilt and follow thru on
the one responsiblity you are truely looked after for...yourself.  If you don't do that
one then guilt may be justified.   Keep coming back cause this program works when
you work it.   ((((hugs)))) smile

"The life I have is a gift from God...what I do with it is my gift in return"

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likemyheart


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Thanks for saying that Pinkchip - being the non-alcoholic with a recovering or not AH who is very good at telling things from HIS point of view and getting sympathy from his new friends (who don't know me) for his mean angry hateful wifes "overreactions" - it is good to hear someone who's been there confirm it happens. He says I am holding onto things I'm angry about and I see it different - I don't want to be angry about them, but before they can be put to rest, I need to hear him acknowledge the pain he has caused me. Sam, I too would urge you to try to explore what is at the heart of her anger. Last night i was in incredible pain, horridly tired and sick but when I tried to convey how bad things were, all he would do was try to top my sick - he's sicker than I am, ate bad chicken and whatnot, negating my pain - his is ALWAYS more than any I might have (and he's sort of a hypchondriac, enjoys being sick because he gets taken care of - but, doesn't return the favor AT ALL); and I am rarely sick - but the times I am, it would sure be nice to feel like he cares. He writes me that no one seems to care about him and I write back that caring goes both ways. I find myself angry that I am expected to care about HIS problems but he doesn't have to bother returning the favor.

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Debilyn


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Hi Sam. Welcome.

My first thought was I am glad you are doing better! AND if you leave are you taking the kiddos? I cannot imagine anyone leaving them in this situation.Believe me they know what is going on. And/or they can feel the tension.

I like the don't do anything until you KNOW what ya choose to do.

keep coming, love,debilyn

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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
samsam


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Thanks everyone. Am I selfish? I don't know. Selfish for going to meetings? Selfish for working on my recovery? Self-absorbed because I respect the 12th tradition and don't talk about the content of meetings or outreaches with my partner? Selfish for working part-time? (I was the stay-at-home-parent for 4 years.) Selfish for doing the occasional bit of socialising? According to her I am. I've been a very obedient, submissive codie alanonic doormat for ten years. Of course I'm rocking the boat by starting to have a life.

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