The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Long story short, ah of two years, in recovery working the steps.
Other then aa and work, he's borderline non functional. I'm running ragged caring for our two young kids, our house, bills, and working myself. He only thinks of himself and when he returns from work, he eats, leaves a trail of mess and goes to aa. I have no emotional or physical support. He lies constantly, about things he doesn't even need to lie about.
I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of feeling like his mother or warden. I'm sick of having no life outside of caring for my family. I'm sick of being broke because he can't control his spending. I'm sick of being anxious to the point of being unable to eat or sleep because of the constant lack of comunication, honesty and support. Today he said that he was going to come home and rub my back that is sore since I've taken to sleeping on the couch the last couple of weeks....and suprise, suprise....he didn't. I'm so disapointed and lonely that I'm litrally crying...and I never cry. I'm depressed and I'm worn out. I'm afraid that I'm doing our children a diservice by staying in this relashonship. I can't seem to make meetings....despite multiple attempts. I'm seriously feeling very hopeless and depressed.
Insight?
-- Edited by Niecy on Thursday 17th of March 2011 03:45:15 AM
-- Edited by Niecy on Thursday 17th of March 2011 04:09:02 AM
I certainly recognize all that you are feeling and I do believe that place was my bottom. I knew that I could not do it alone and needed help I hated the thought of going to al anon but i had tried everything else and it had not worked.
Meetings were difficult for me but I decided to do 90 meetings in 90 days and ended up to a meeting every day for 2 years.
I learned how to Focus on Myself,, Take small actions to care for Myself. Not React, Pray,to Stop the Isolation and I found ME.
We have meetings here every day on line and the chat room is open 24/7 Please join us
Have a talk with the husband perhaps. Lots of times things get worse before better. I went through a phase in early sobriety where I was even more self-focused than when drinking. I didn't have the alcohol to stop all the anxious thoughts about myself so I just thought about me me me me all the time. It takes a while for that to settle down. From my experience, you are either on the same page with someone or you arent. It would help to find out if you guys are still working towards the same things and just need more time to adjust or if you are growing in 2 separate directions. You will only find this out from a rational discussion with him.
The steps are going to be there for him to examine himself, stop lying, to make ammends to you and to be a better father. That could take a couple years even if he is working hard on the steps. I hope things work out in the way that is best for you! Peace.
Mark
Try and make time for you. No matter what stage of recovery he is in, the children are his responsibility too and you deserve a break to associate with other adults and to have alone time also. You are going to get increasingly angry and resentful if you don't have that....in my unsolicited opinion :)
You are not alone anymore, sweetie, in al-anon , you never have to do this alone again. I just love Betty's story, I did something similar, I went to 7 meetings in 7 days, and have continued with 3 meetings a week.... tremendous relief! So, that is my suggestion to you, as well. I soooo relate to you, your story sounds like mine.
At the time I crawled into al-anon, I had the financial ability to afford some bodywork to deal with my anxiety and depression. I found it helpful to get professional, therapeutic massage and energy work, including acupuncture. My energy was going berserk with my anxiety. I learned there is tremendous healing power in touch... I cried at nearly every session, so much pain was being stored in my body, it had to be released. It helped me to get back to myself, if that makes any sense. I had lost myself, I didn't know who I was anymore. Caring touch helped me to heal.
I wish you lived in Saint Louis. After I began to feel better, I decided to become a massage therapist to give back. It was my primary goal to work with people who had my experience of losing themselves, so I give enormous discounts to the fellowship. I like to begin my sessions by telling my client, "if you have to think about anything, think about your breath"....
Just remember... your Higher Power didn't go anywhere. Sit still, close your eyes, and listen to your breath. Higher power is very near and wants you to remember that you are loved. See if you can quiet yourself enough to feel that again.
Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself WHATEVER that looks like.
(((big hugs)))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I want to cry. I appreciate your responses. I've been up all night, feeling like I'm having a panic attack. After he told me he was going to come home and spend some time with me and then pretended as if he never said that, and of course just tended to himself all evening while I ran around trying to feed, bath and get the kids down, make dinner and clean the kitchen, balance the checkbook and take care of the dogs.
Then when I balance the checkbook I find out he's spent a whole bunch of money outside of our budget on eating out. WE ARE ON FOODSTAMPS for god sake! He also ordered a $50 movie service! I'm beyond words at this point.
I can't tell you how many rational talks, budget meetings, game plans, therapy sessions we've had over these very issues. He looks me right in the eye, going as far as swearing on our daughters life, and tells me what he thinks I want to hear.
He went to bed, without hesitation, despite how obviously stressed and upset I was. He woke up two hours before work, didn't say a word to me, even though I was awake sitting on the couch and left for work without so much as saying goodbye. He then proceeded to ignore my texts and phone calls. When I finally reached him via email, he told me his phone was broken, but as soon as I asked him why he was treating me so poorly, his computer suddenly broke. Infuriated and really down right crazy at his disrespect and audacity, I emailed him and told him since technology is failing us, perhaps I will just drive to his work and we can talk about it on his break. Suddenly, his phone is working again and he is telling me not to.
I am being crazy. This is crazy. I have NEVER been this way in a relashonship. I am not one of those idiotic woman who stays with someone who treats her poorly.....until now! I have overcome so much personally and professionally in my life and have conducted myself in a way that is respectable and with self respect. I feel like a needy, nuroutic puddle of pathetic weak woman. I've tried to be supportive and work through this.
Both of our children are from previous relationships. They are four. I had cancer when my son was two and I was a single mom and business owner. My son was then diagnosed with autism. When I married my husband, I felt like it was a chance to give these kids the stability and structure of a family, that they deserved.
On one hand, I'm reluctant to give up and pull the rug out from these young children again. Not to mention, loosing my stepdaughter who we have full custody of and I love like she's my own blood.
But am I being one of those stupid women who stay with a jerk because for some reason, they think that it is better for the children then not having a person who is so self serving in their lives?
What is the right decision? I'm so tired and upset and hurt and guilty...I can't even begin to be objective.
I know, I know, go to al-anon....but most days I'm so busy being a mom and dad in our house that I barely have time for a shower. Is that just an excuse? It just seems overwhelming to try to go to a meeting, much less a lot of meetings.
Welcome to MIP, I can relate to what your going thru, your life is becoming unmanageable and who wouldnt with all that you do.
It didnt get there overnite and it wont take overnite to undue all the chaos that alcoholism can bring. You say your A is in AA, you dont say how long .
I guess your not sick and tired enough to take care of yourself yet. This board is here waiting for you. If you cant attend face to face Alanon, this board is equipped to fufill your needs, you just have to reach out and surrender to it. You may be pleasantly surprised.
We cant tell you what the right decision is for your life, only you can do that, but we do know its best to not make a decision while in the state that your in. Nothing will change, unless something changes. You cant go on doing the same thing and expecting a different result. We have to learn a new way.
All of us here have changed our lives for the better, all it takes is a little listening, a little reading and a little effort to implement what you have learned.
Hi there, I can so relate to soo much of your story that tears spring to my eyes and I used to not be able to cry. It takes courage to change and it takes change to get better. It sounds like you run yourself ragged. How can you spend some time taking care of yourself? Can you dettach and stay living together? I myself had to move out and get on the system for awhile. It seems like you are at a crossroads and are bottoming out. I sure wish you could get to a meeting. Al-anon is about taking care of yourself and putting yourself back together so you don't feel like you are spiraling. I nearly sent myself into a psych ward trying to fix and change my AH and until I started focusing on me and my needs, things didn't get better. I started putting my energy into myself and my children and realizing I am capable to handle it all on my own with the help of my HP. I thought life was just a string of misersable days just to be merely survived until I got into Al-Anon meetings and I had done lots of counseling with my AH and on my own. There are many moments when I need to repeat the serenity prayer and realize that all I can control is me and let it begin with me is my new slogan as of late. There are still moments when I feel so very messy, but now there are many more moments when I can breathe deep and smile and even actually enjoy my life and children. It took every ounce of my being feeling crazy tired and bottomed out to get me to my first meeting, realizing what I was doing wasn't working. I now know I can be the person I was meant to be if I take it one day at a time! There is always great advice given in this group so take what you like and leave the rest. You are not stupid, you are capable of more than you know and worth love and respect! You came to the right place.
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Thank you for the support. I've been reading on the board and seen so many similar stories. I realize this a good program for me.
Bettina, you asked how long my ah has been in aa. Two years, but has just gotten a sponsor and begun working the steps. He's on step 4.
You also said, "I guess your not sick and tired enough to take care of yourself yet." That was honestly kind of a offensive response to my plead for help....maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but I kind of feel like I am here? Is that not a first step to taking care of myself?
Attending meetings are not realistic for me right now because I share a vehicle with my husband, who takes it to work and aa. Plus I have two young children, one with special needs and no money. I've been trying to make a meeting work for a while. I'm not saying I'm not going to try still, but the bottom line is, it's not always going to be possible.
Anyhow, this should be a good alternative or supliment, I think. Thank you all.
Neicy...I think what Bettina meant was that you really need to sometimes hear things like TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF in a way that gets your attention...it's not meant to offend. You are a mom...a mom of a special needs child...you have been in heavy duty caretaking mode for so long. Who is taking care of you? You literally need to force yourself to make time for you...to be good to you...You deserve it.... It will also help you detach a bit from your husband (not saying he is treating you well and that he deserves a huge break or anything...just that he sounds not too capable of meeting your needs now).
Just and FYI: Step 4 is where the program of action begins. The first 3 steps are a foundation. Steps 4 through 9 are meant to change self, patterns of interacting, and then to make amends to others. It is those steps that are the ones which should help him change to a more thoughtful functioning person. I don't know how much it will translate into your relationship...It depends on his capacity to take an honest look at himself.
Niecy...Aloha...check with your alcoholic and see if there is an Al-Anon meeting in the same location at the same time as his meeting. Often times we use to have our meetings like that...them in one room and us in another. It could happen. Also a bit more courageous would be to scare him and pre-plan a meeting for yourself and then tell him it's what you've planned to do for the night. It works both ways and often has to. If he isn't helping part of that reason is that he's got the idea that he doesn't have to and his wife has got the whole thing handled. That is what the disease is about and no communication is communications. You need a night out with people who understand and know what it is like and have answers to share with you from their own experiences.
If you're waiting him to do something sane..stop. You do something sane.
Keep coming back here also...(it's something sane.) (((((hugs)))))
Niecy, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You would have an enormous amount on your plate even without an AH in early recovery. It requires so much support to deal with all that, and I know that support is hard to get. Please give yourself credit for holding everything together this far. I know it must have been very, very hard. It's no wonder you're exhausted. You'd have to be superhuman not to be.
One of the troubles with alcoholism is that while the A's were drinking, they weren't learning how to cope with real life. They say they stop at the age they started drinking -- like if he started drinking at 15, he's still 15 years old inside. And you know how rational and responsible most 15-year-olds are. (Except us -- we were probably running the family when we were 15, right? Because our parents weren't? At least I was. No wonder we're exhausted and fed up.)
So who he's going to be when he's got a lot of recovery isn't clear yet. And it doesn't sound as if he's been hurrying to get to a more mature place. So you've been doing the work of two for a long time, plus dealing with so many other stressors. And it sounds as if, even when you talk, he doesn't really "get it."
I think that the alcoholism is such a problem that we tend to think, "If only that were gone, we could make some progress." But when they finally stop drinking, then the other problems can come to the fore. And it's a rare drinker where alcoholism is their only problem.
It sounds to me as if you need more support that doesn't rely on waiting for your AH to step up to the plate. I know that's easier said than done. Being a caregiver for an autistic child has to be one of life's most challenging things. I hope there is some support available in your community -- relief care, support groups, social services? Whether you stay with your AH until he matures or whether you decide to move on, in the meantime your top priority is to take care of yourself -- the "put on your own oxygen mask first" thing. Al-Anon is a part of that too, of course.
I share your frustration at having an AH who never learned responsibility. Mine was the same. I had to move on, and he's made a huge mess of his life without someone there to run it for him. But to be honest, not even the biggest control freak in the world could have stopped him from making a mess of it. One good thing is that it's not all or nothing. Since we have a child together I still see my ex AH and we're pleasant to each other and sometimes he helps out a bit (goes and buys flipflops for our son or whatever). That's about the level he can handle life. It is what it is. Meanwhile, it is so important that we take care of ourselves. Hugs.
I'm new here too. Your situation is pretty much identical to mine. I have major anxiety and have only just managed to turn my brain off just a little by making myself busier at work. As I'm new there's not much advice I can give except to say I'm not called Nutbar for nothing however things are very slowly getting better. The advice I have received here is fantastic and I'm going to go to an Al Anon meeting next week. My alcoholic wife is in recovery and is treating me like I don't exist. She is now addicted to AA and tells her AA friends I'm a nutter which really hurts and I started to feel like AA was the enemy. Dangerous grounds! I started attention seeking which I regret so now I have decided to get my own interests and devoid myself from the lack of attention. What also is helping me a little is challenging negative thoughts by reasoning them out. Regardless, I'm still a Nutbar but getting their slowly. I'm seeing a psychologist who understands anxiety and addiction. It is expensive but hey, it's probably helping hold our marriage together whilst my wife and I work through this nasty, awful, despicable disease called alcoholism! Stick with it.
