Please, Please help me - Al-Anon Family Group

keetcat · Newbie

Please, Please help me

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Keetcat Welcome to MIP and Alanon

I hear your pain and understand exactly what you and your partner are experiencing. It does appear that you both a desperatly looking for answers and are willing to reach out for help.

Alanon and ths Board are very helpful in supplying tools that enable us to live one day at a time with courage, serenity and wisdom.

It is recommended that you make no major life changes until you are in the program for at least 6 months This is a good suggestion because it takes that amount of time to recover enough to make constructive decisions and take positive actons.

Before learning program tools we all react to this powerful disease over which we have no control. We cannot cure it nor did we cause it. We do try to do all three.
If you have been affected by someone else's drinking then Al-Anon is for you!

Alanon face to face meetings can be found in your community by going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

We also have on line meetings here and 24/7 chat. It is important to break the isolation so please keep coming back

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Keetcat, there is no right or wrong and all of what you have written is valid and understandable. You are following your heart and making some difficult choices that are not going to be easy no matter what. I have been told that when my mind and my heart are in alignment, then I am doing God's will for me. Not sure if this helps you. It was breaking your heart to watch him kill himself with booze. It breaks your heart to leave and tell him to get help. What other solutions are there? It's sort of natural to question yourself and to wonder if there is a way out of painful situations, but in this one....you were in for some pain either way and you will need to pray...ask for support and help from others, and just ride this out while the answers on what to do come to you.

Remember, you didn't cause his alcoholism. You can't control it. You can't cure it. His family problems, job problems...all that are HIS and not yours. You don't sabotage yourself when you have problems with your family or job right? It is hard to support a person that trainwrecks themself. It is much easier to be with someone that lives in the solution of life problems. He can start to live that way if he gets into recovery but again, it's not going to be under your control if he does this or not.

Breath deep. You made a tough choice that was going to suck no matter what. You are going to be okay. People love you and you are not alone.

Mark

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome. Huggen ya, I know you hurt!

Addiction is a disease. Let me put it this way, if he had any other disease and was getting worse would you leave?

The thing about addiction is one, Al Anon can teach us skills to be able to stay and be ok in some cases. Also they can go into a recovery plan for themselves, no one else and we hope for a long recovery.

We learn what boundaries we need. For instance, I would not do well when my A got mean. So I would just say well I am going to go read, or go watch tv, go for a walk, whatever. He knew that when I left that was my boundary. If he broke a boundary, he knew I would have him leave.

Thats just one example. I got where I learned his drinking was his own decision. None of my business. We cannot control them anyway. So I loved him so much, I was able to be around him when he smelled like alcohol and was drunk. I loved the man. He was not his disease. It gave me much more time with him before he got so mean I could not safely stay with him.

No it is not easy. But for me, I have no regrets. I just wish I had gotten Al anon sooner so I would not have lost everything. HOme, vehicle, perfect credit, health etc.

My sons wife is A.He is now going thru what I did. Just hanging in there as long as he can. Gleaning all the time he can, until he knows he is done. I can tell you it hurts a lot less this way. Becuz when we are done, we are done. for many it is less painful this way as we were with them until there was nothing left to love.

There is always hope. It helps so much when we concentrate on ourselves and get well again. Their disease makes us sick. Al Anon helps us to look into our wants and needs. This helps them so they don't have as much guilt. They feel horrible that their disease hurts us so bad.

We learn not to react to the addict behavior.

Most people do not understand unless they have learned from Al Anon and or AA.

What I learned to say is AH is very sick, I love him very much and choose to stay with him, I would not leave him if he was sick with anything else. Learning to be ok in myself made my loved ones more comfortable. Plus I came here and shared, and to no one else.

Meetings are great, literature is helpful, sponsor priceless, MIP a have to! (c:

You can feel better I promise. We are here for you. love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Kat...There is so much to learn and since this problem didn't happen over
night for you it won't find solution over night either and there are solutions. For
me the solutions came from finding Al-Anon in the area I was living in and going
to as many meetings as I could in 90 days to see if it would help me. That was
a long while ago and my last meeting was last night. It's still saving my life.
The hotline number for Al-Anon is in the white pages of your local telephone book.
Get up some courage and look it up, call and find the meeting places and times
where we me and come let us support you.

Only one surprising thing I learned while being in program...Alcohol is liquid
depression...yes it is a depressive chemical and if he's drinking and acting
depressed that's one clue.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

keetcat · Newbie

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I can't even imagine how he feels. It makes me hopeful that there are people out there that can still have a successful relationship even with their partners disease of alcoholism. I have thought about going to Al-anon meetings and I think I am going to try some, it seems to have helped everyone a lot on here. Does anyone have any reading suggestions as well? Self help books or anything to help get me through?

Annie Em · Newbie

Hello Keetkat,

It may not seem like it but anyone who comes to Al-anon has their own version of your story or they wouldn't be here. You are definitely not alone and I feel your pain having been there myself. There is an answer and it involves getting a sponsor, going to meetings, working the Al-anon steps, and being willing to go to any lengths to do so. It is your life and your choice to make. I, for one, think you derserve to do it for yourself. Right now it may be difficult to see how that could be any kind of help for your problems but trust those who've been in your shoes and managed to get through it successfully. One of our primary problems is that we think we can help the alcoholic in our lives. The Truth is only they can do that with the help of others who are in a recovery program. Nothing and I do mean nothing we do is likely to get them to want to do it. Our trying to help them, believing they'll change, and obsessing about the state of their life and problems is the very thing that causes us pain and makes us sick. We are powerless to change anything in their life but we can change ours. If you go to meetings and follow the program you'll begin to see that and like they say, "the truth will set you free." Your not being mean by being kind to yourself and taking care of your own life. It you don't you'll have nothing to give him or anyone else. I hope you find some comfort and direction.

Annie Em

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.