What is crosstalking? - Al-Anon Family Group

LarryWhiteford · Member

What is crosstalking?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

In early times it was not conversationalizing (?) while the meeting was going on.
One person shares at a time and so on. Refering to another persons share in
your own or to set your topic outside of what was chosen as the topic for the
meeting is seen as "cross talk" and distrubing.

I do my best with meeting guidelines even at times when I will not fully understand
them. Recovery is about progress so since the unity of the full membership is of
more value to me today I stick within the guidelines. I don't crosstalk when at all
possible. (until after the meeting then we cross talk like crazy)...((((hugs)))) smile

LarryWhiteford · Member

thanks for sharing Jerry and I personally don 't want advice from others, I come to meetings to see what worked with others, listen to their experiences. When I start telling them "what to do" i.e. making comments after their shares other than "thanks for sharing" I am getting back into the "disease".

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I am really very confused by this thread. I only go to MIP's alanon chat room and board here, so possibly it is different in the other chat rooms here associated with MIP.
In the chat room, we refer to "cross talk" as "interrupting" as that is what is posted in the verbage in the room, right behind it - it says "cross talking" is "interrupting".

In the meetings after each share (in the MIP alanon chat room) we do offer support and say encouraging things to each other - I do not understand how offering support from our own ESH (experience, strength & hope) is going to trigger the disease, specifically. Bc then wouldnt sharing anything be triggering? LOL im sorry this has me very confused. We all must take responsibility for our own triggers and disease. And, I (personally) always did enjoy hearing the encouragement and ESH from others after I share, even if I dont agree with what is being said, it allows me to think and I value that.

There are tools and techniques that will work for us at different times too, that is up to us to apply and determine. If one day I dont like a tool or technique, I know that I may find another way or variation to it and I may share that or not or use it or not. The beauty of working this program, is you can and are "advised to" always, take what you like and leave the rest.

I do have major issues with authority (a running theme of my life) and I personally, hate to be told what to do. I also am looking for the technique(s) with the most precision and I value the ESH of others, so I will always listen open mindedly to what is being offered, I may say, I disagree and then go try it and see -only to find that what they said did work. In fact I was double dog dared to work what was being suggested (in program) and was asked to "prove them wrong" and when I tried (LOL) I was shown that what they said was true.

If we share off topic, I have never been to a meeting (mip alanon chat room or at f2f) where someone went off-topic and was scolded for that nor have I ever heard that to be called, "crosstalking".

linbaba · Veteran Member

kitty wrote:

I am really very confused by this thread. I only go to MIP's alanon chat room and board here, so possibly it is different in the other chat rooms here associated with MIP.
In the chat room, we refer to "cross talk" as "interrupting" as that is what is posted in the verbage in the room, right behind it - it says "cross talking" is "interrupting".

In the meetings after each share (in the MIP alanon chat room) we do offer support and say encouraging things to each other - I do not understand how offering support from our own ESH (experience, strength & hope) is going to trigger the disease, specifically. Bc then wouldnt sharing anything be triggering? LOL im sorry this has me very confused. We all must take responsibility for our own triggers and disease. And, I (personally) always did enjoy hearing the encouragement and ESH from others after I share, even if I dont agree with what is being said, it allows me to think and I value that.

There are tools and techniques that will work for us at different times too, that is up to us to apply and determine. If one day I dont like a tool or technique, I know that I may find another way or variation to it and I may share that or not or use it or not. The beauty of working this program, is you can and are "advised to" always, take what you like and leave the rest.

I do have major issues with authority (a running theme of my life) and I personally, hate to be told what to do. I also am looking for the technique(s) with the most precision and I value the ESH of others, so I will always listen open mindedly to what is being offered, I may say, I disagree and then go try it and see -only to find that what they said did work. In fact I was double dog dared to work what was being suggested (in program) and was asked to "prove them wrong" and when I tried (LOL) I was shown that what they said was true.

If we share off topic, I have never been to a meeting (mip alanon chat room or at f2f) where someone went off-topic and was scolded for that nor have I ever heard that to be called, "crosstalking".

I have started a thread on this very subject over on our codie board so was researching it, this was the best description I found that made sense, in a forum environment where people actually do ask direct questions I feel the format is a bit different then meetings, but this what I culled from many sources

Cross Talk is conversation between individuals, This includes: Offering advice, directly speaking to an individual member instead of the group

Cross Talk is not referring to someones share if you are moved by it or if it reminds you of your own experience. Nor is sharing your own experience in response to a share. We try to avoid offering unsolicited advice or instruction.

Specific Examples of Cross Talk:
A member shares, I drank alcohol and I dont know whether or not to start my day count over. The next share cross talks, You need to start your day count over or you are going out.

Examples which are not Cross Talk:
Referring to the content of a share: A member shares, I drank alcohol and I dont know whether or not to start my day count over. The next share says, When I was counting days, I drank some a beer. My sponsor and I fought about it. I started my day count over, because I didnt want to question it in my own mind. That is not Cross Talk

Another example: John D. shares, I am having a really hard time not picking up. Another shares, It was good for me to hear John. It helps me to know other people feel like I do. That is not Cross Talk.

Avoidance of cross talk is considered a safety feature. Unlike group therapy, in Recovery members share their own experience, strength, and hope with one another, rather than telling others what to do or what they should think.
The idea is for members to speak only about their own feelings and experiences and accept without comment what others say because whatever they say is true for them. members work toward taking responsibility in their own lives, rather than giving advice to others.

RobinKSC · Veteran Member

thanks for sharing and the information. I have gone to f2f meetings for many years. I can't imagine what the meeting would be like if everyone made comments after someones share. It would be a long meeting to say the least. I personally do not want advice at meetings, I don't need comments after the shares....I usually just ignore them.....thanks again for the information, it is a good reminder of what crosstalk really is. It's not interrupting someones share.....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

kitty wrote:

I am really very confused by this thread. I only go to MIP's alanon chat room and board here, so possibly it is different in the other chat rooms here associated with MIP.
In the chat room, we refer to "cross talk" as "interrupting" as that is what is posted in the verbage in the room, right behind it - it says "cross talking" is "interrupting".

In the meetings after each share (in the MIP alanon chat room) we do offer support and say encouraging things to each other - I do not understand how offering support from our own ESH (experience, strength & hope) is going to trigger the disease, specifically. Bc then wouldnt sharing anything be triggering?

I go to meetings frequently and if I just heard "thank u 4 your share" I would feel dismissed and most likely would not want to attend the same meeting. Example in point, I was in an alanon meet the other night and people would share and there was lots of love and support and short "1 liners" encouragement..I also shared and I got (((hugs))) and one person said they could "relate to my share very much" another said "gee I am going to try that, thanks" and I got a few wonderful comments and end result is I will go back to the meeting

A "thank you for your share", I have done, only when I have nothing intelligent to say to the person, and want to acknowledge their being in the meeting..I think the cross talk offense is primarly giving advice, demeaning/minimizing another's share, interrupting while one is sharing, or chatting over a person's share, telling them what to do, etc. but to give encouragment??? I think a "thank U 4 your share" would B about as steril as a Jack Mule, it would not breed further attendance

This is just my share, plesae use what you can and discard the rest

-- Edited by neshema2 on Saturday 19th of March 2011 02:43:14 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

linbaba wrote:

Cross Talk is conversation between individuals, This includes: Offering advice, directly speaking to an individual member instead of the group
Cross Talk is not referring to someones share if you are moved by it or if it reminds you of your own experience. Nor is sharing your own experience in response to a share. We try to avoid offering unsolicited advice or instruction.
Specific Examples of Cross Talk:
A member shares, I drank alcohol and I dont know whether or not to start my day count over. The next share cross talks, You need to start your day count over or you are going out.
Examples which are not Cross Talk:
Referring to the content of a share: A member shares, I drank alcohol and I dont know whether or not to start my day count over. The next share says, When I was counting days, I drank some a beer. My sponsor and I fought about it. I started my day count over, because I didnt want to question it in my own mind. That is not Cross Talk
Another example: John D. shares, I am having a really hard time not picking up. Another shares, It was good for me to hear John. It helps me to know other people feel like I do. That is not Cross Talk.

I think, also, the crosstalk rule came into being because we were not, as children or married to alcoholics of which I was both, I was never allowed 2 give my share w/out reprisal or attack so I became withdrawn and unwilling to say anything about anything out of fear of attack or being "talked over" or put down, or something negative, but if someone is moved by my share and wants to offer THEIR encouragment and confirmation that my story moved them, then I want to know, its , to me, more intimate and close that way w/out giving me advice or telling me what to do

I am on a site where this one woman tells me what to do..I had to set a boundary on her and tell her to please keep the statements focusoned on her experience and her feelings and what she did/thought and to not tell me what to do...it was "ok" 2 give support, encouragement, but please dont' tell me what to do.....She repeated the offense and I told her that I did not want her posting under my posts because they were upsetting to me, triggering me, reminding me that , again, I have to do what I am told, not given a choice or options

I love the examples above..I always keep the focus on me and use "I" statements wherever possible unless I say something like "oh please come back, this program works" or I might say "Your share touched my heart as I went through the same thing"..I have never been chastised for this and as a matter of fact, I got a lot of pm's from other people telling me they felt warmth and welcome thanks to a few of us making them feel real and supported

Again, just my 2 cents

RobinKSC · Veteran Member

I remember the first time I "set a boundary on someone else" my sponsor told me in a very nice way. Boundaries are for us, we don't set boundaries on other people.....I was so glad she did that. Trying to change other people never worked, it still doesn't.

Thanks for the crosstalk information, I find it very helpful and great reminders...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

RobinKSC wrote:

I remember the first time I "set a boundary on someone else" my sponsor told me in a very nice way. Boundaries are for us, we don't set boundaries on other people.....I was so glad she did that. Trying to change other people never worked, it still doesn't.

Thanks for the crosstalk information, I find it very helpful and great reminders...

Absolutely my sentiments! My sponsor told me a new rendition of the serenity prayer! "God give me the peace to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know that the only thing I can change is me"! That staid with me and I apply this in my life! My stress factor has been reduced greatly because I do not bother trying to change another. Either they respect my boundaries I make 4 me, or I remove myself from them because, as your sponsor and mine said "we cannot change another". When I verbally or by actions set a boundary its to let my inner child know that this is 4 us and to help my inner child feel safe.

Thanks 4 this good topic! Something, I believe, that we need to be mindful of not just in meetings but in interacting with people in general

RobinKSC · Veteran Member

after reading a share in the meeting last night, I thought more about this...my family was not only alcoholic, they were doers, very codependent, always doing things, I was always the one, yes the one that had to go bail my brother out of jail, visit him in jail, write to him in jail.....thats how our family functioned bailing out the alcoholics, my father, my step fahter, my brother...the last time my brother went to jail I did not write him except to send him a sympathy card when his wife died. When he got out of jail and went to stay with my mother, I did not go visit. I have other jobs now, me my son my home, things I never did for me because my focus was always on others...thats where the advice giving came in, when I was a child, always being the problem solver....the fixer, the hero child...I have long ago forgiven my parents, they did the best they knew how, they never found the program or when they did wanted to work it. When I go to face to face meetings, no one comments after my share with a "why don't you do this?" or "thats wrong" this happens in online meetings I have gone to. I think it's time for me to get back to more face to face meetings. thanks for listening

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

RobinKSC wrote:
no one comments after my share with a "why don't you do this?" or "thats wrong" this happens in online meetings I have gone to. I think it's time for me to get back to more face to face meetings. thanks for listening

WOW!!! I have had sorta similiar experiences and I C what the moderator does and if they are not firm in dealing with that, then I am gone!!..

There are no more alanon meetings in my area, so online is the only recourse 4 me..There are good meets and bad ones..on line or fac2fac..I guess what I do when I am unfamiliar with a room is to "coast" and feel the waters and if it feels ok, I go back..I have been in meetings on line where people would be asking ???S during my share and I speak up..I say "excuse me, I am sharing" and if the chair person does not intervene, I just go!!! One time someone with a female name starting insulting me, lol and I just asked her to take the mirror away from her face and wait till I was done with my turn sharing..The chair person kicked her/him out.

Just because a person's body is in recovery, that does not mean they are reallly working to make their lives better..

Just my 2cents worth..Oh how I wish we had a good fac2fac meet around here...A lady and I were going to start one but she wanted it religion based and I disagreed with that so we folded b4 we even got started.

bl · Newbie

I was at a meeting the other day and the share-person asked for a topic how you deal with trouble,
as people spoke I sat quietly waiting my turn and I finally was able to speak, I shared a short story
of how my gratitude changes in a moment and due to comparison, then I went to my phone apps,
and tried to quote a scripture reading from Corinthians, of giving God thanks that he comforts me, and
that I can in turn comfort others, I was never given the ability to share because the secretary robustly
interrupted my share to tell me I was not permitted to share on the topic, or quote scripture,
the interruption and the insensitivity of the secretary seems to project an image to newcomers and that
I am afraid is not helping any meeting secretaries that can not practice their own rule against crosstalk
seem to be injuring more then aiding, I questioned the secretary that I was not given the right or permission
to share on a topic, and they refused to concede or examine their motives, I feel personally attacked when
I am censored or restricted and the idea that scripture or religion not being spoken of, then quit saying
"the lords prayer", word for word from the bible, odd control issues for healthy members.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.