"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

KimmyJo · Veteran Member

Do they need a RECOVERY PROGRAM as bad as we do???

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Doesn't work from my experience..... there is an old (non-Al-Anon) saying of

"wherever I go, there I am"

I think many A's. along with their Al-Anon partners, make this same type of leap - a desperate attempt to change things up, but if he is an alcoholic and not following a program, his 'true colors' are likely to show up, regardless of your zip code....

Take care
Tom

-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 16th of March 2011 12:10:29 AM

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Have never seen it work in my experience either
I have watched people try it truly believe it is what they need but thier addiction gets packed right along with all the boxes and suitcases?
Sad but true

Blessings

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha KJ...sobriety isn't only about just not drinking or changing a location or a
person or a job or the like. Still until the alcoholic is willing to enter into a
commitment about changing themselves inside and out things usually will come
out the same as before or always. "Where ever I go there I am!!" So right on
from Tom. Coarse that applies to me also...My alcoholic wife wasn't responsible
for all of my pain...that was my choice and behaviors.

Keep coming back...sit down, listen, learn and practice. ((((hugs)))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Some can do it on thier own ,tho it rarley works for long . Alcoholism has an attitude that definetly needs work and if thier not aware of whats causing them a problem not much is going to change except they just dont drink either way you still need a program in my opinion to live with them regardless we need to learn how to take care of ourselves ..alcoholics call a move or a new job a geographical cure it takes awhile to figure out that no matter where you go you take you with you . I have lived with a dry drunk and it was worse than the drinking days so I cannot recomend in on my own experience husb went out and drank again after 8 months of dry and no support - his next effort at sobriety included AA and we have 20 yrs of sobriety in our home to day . but i know that regardless of what he is doing if you continue with your program you will be okay . Louise

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

They say it was our own best thinking that got us here! isn't that the truth, also they say that any machine is only as good as the programmer, you can't blame the tools, the dry drunk stage is very difficult for me to cope with because I can't blame the drink anylonger, and I can't cope with it with my own best thinking, I have had to learn that it's about fixing attitudes and changing habits, I need my programme because mip knows how todo this,relying on peeps within my own circle is not enough for me I can slip back because they don't know how, and I can't do this by myself.

Katy

x

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

he would like me to move where he is at and givehim support.

When I first read this I read give me support. oops. I say trust your intuition. The disease is already looking for back up.

Addiction is not just the drug they take. Its several other symptoms. I liked to research it, to educate me. ex: addiction symptoms.

Or Alcoholic symptoms. dry drunk etc.

They will still most likely have the attitude, selfishness, lieing etc. In AA they learn the steps, they can make up a recovery program that fits them.

I would think it is like us. Self discovery. Who knew we got sick too? I know I would read and hear and think omgosh that is me too!

Its a learning process. That's what makes me think that every time they come in and out of rehabs, detox, relapse and get back into recovery, its all learning.

An addict will do anything to keep using. He may very well believe he can do it. And he will until he is beat down enough to face he needs help.

Can you imagine fighting craving water all your life?
they can be in a constant state of tension. If they are concentrating so hard on that, doesn't leave much for anything or anyone else. My AH used to say he is just not drinking.

I have never known a dry addict with no program to be happy. But I did see many on programs when we would all go out to dinner etc. together that were happy, and their marriages were MUCH better. Sadly, I hate to say, they have "all" relapsed. One dear friend was even a counselor at Serenity Lane. He o.ded on H.

I learned to always trust my intuition, rather do that then not.

Hugs,debilyn

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hey Kimmy,

I think if they are A's - then they are A's, does not matter where they are. I remember thinking, "AH will be less stressed/anxious/moody/drunk when our house is done remodelling, AH will drink less when he is done his masters program - it's so demanding -, AH will stop drinking excessively when he passes his national exams, AH will stop drinking every weekend when school isn't so stressful, when his presentation is over with, AH will get better when he finds a permeant job, AH will stop drinking every day when they hire another employee cause his work load is too crazy, AH will be better when he finds any job (cause he quit, then got fired, from the old one), AH will be better when his anti anxiety and depression pills kick in, when when when when.....

I am willing to bet I could have added 'AH will be better when we move to another city" to that list, and then we could have moved to another city, and that list would still go on....

My husband (now in rehab then going to a sober living home afterwards) was no where near 'better', just got worse and worse, then 500 times worse again, until he admitted to himself he was an A, attempted to stop stopped drinking (AA, sponsor) and started working the steps...I think he's well on his way now (35 days sober about) and full of emotional breakdowns as his eyes are opening to the harsh reality he was living in but oblivious to. My husband can hardly pet our dog now (sometimes AH visits on the weekends) without crying about the fact that I might have to find our dog another home (b/c I have to sell our house). It's heartbreaking to watch. But, inspiring in a sense too...as I'm happy for him that he says he feels better, feels happier, feels like he can better deal with life now, even though he's very emotional, it's better than never feeling anything but guilt every day (he says).

My husband also said things like: "I just need to ________________" there were many suggestions - nothing worked.

I don't think they can be normal healthy people without working a program, even if they aren't drinking - as drinking is only 1 symptom of the disease - all the other symptoms are the emotional immaturity, the behaviours, ect.... those are also what they learn to improve or manage or get help with in recovery, not just drinking.

Just like in Alanon, there are many Alanoners who left their A husbands, then re-married another A, again, and in some cases, again a 3rd time.

Danielle

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Wednesday 16th of March 2011 10:32:10 PM

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Wednesday 16th of March 2011 10:37:49 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

If all it took was to move and get a new job to get sober...everyone would do it. Yeah...the geographical change helps to get a new start, but it won't last. We talk about doing a geographical to get way from old people, places and things...but, along with the move, people need to work a program of recovery or they will just get a big head when they have accumulated a few months sober and they will slip back into old patterns.

Most active alcoholics suffer from what we call "terminal uniqueness." This means the person thinks their drinking and their experiences are so special and unique from others that they don't need to do the things everyone else does to really get sober. Until knocked on their ass enough times, the alcoholic does not recognize they are just a garden variety drunk like all of us are.

Of course your husband could be the exception...I doubt it...but it's possible. Shrug.

Hope you make the decisions that are right for you regardless.

Mark

KimmyJo · Veteran Member

Thank You for all the great information!!

With your words and his phone call today. The light is starting to come on!!!

(Im starting to believe..Im a very slow learner at this stuff..lol)

He called today and was angry at me, because I told a friend he packed up
and moved away. And his friend called & confronted him on it.

He Yelled: "IS THAT HOW YOU FEEL?..LIKE I JUST PACKED UP & MOVED AWAY"

My Reply: "What do you want me to tell people, that you went on vacation?"

I did get a good laugh today to say the least...

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi Kimmy, glad you got something from it - I hope you make the best decision you can for yourself! :)

Yep, sounds about right (his reaction).

I try not to think about all the past bs I've dealt with as it just feeds my resentment that I think I'm doing really well with letting go of, but, oh can I remember so many times where I went through such similar scenarios. Times where my AH didn't come for dinner at my parents on Sunday, didn't come tobogganing/bowling/to the lake/out for dinner/to a movie/for a walk ect... (usually cause he was passed out or too drunk or just 'didn't feel well') and when asked what I said, I would tell him I told people he was sleeping....and be returned with a defensive angry: "WHAT! why??!! Great, not they think I'm lazy ect...!!! I worked hard all week, I hurt my back doing this, I had a headache! What did you expect me to do!!! You wanted me to shovel so I was tired!! (yep ok so it was MY fault and how silly I was to actually believe that so many times) oh, and then there was my favorite line: "I know you don't believe in napping but some other people do!!" Yep.... the whole world is always out to get them....it's so so sad. It's insanity.

(and btw, I do not have anything against taking a nap!) But when you 'nap' all day, every day, that's another story, but, then again, I put up with it, didn't I!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"