Hope for Today - September 21

    Sometimes as I struggle with the effects having
grown up with the disease of alcoholism, the path
seems too difficult to travel.  I forget that there
are ups and downs to any journey, and I feel
overcome with disappointment with my seemingly
slow progress. 

######ROSIE...there are times working this program , i get **worn out*  and i just want to say screw it,  its too much work...takes too much of my energy and so on......when i am having a **downer*  its like,  "ok, all this work and i get **this*???"........and i too, get disappointed...here i am working my  buns off trying to heal, and it seems just when i think i am **getting there*  i get a set back or a **down time*......now i just figure its  par for the course and  what the hell,  i got this far with it,  may as well keep going

Then my Higher Power reminds me of
a history lesson I once learned, and I regain hope.
    An expedition of the Grand Canyon traveled along
the Colorado River.  Halfway through the canyon,
the explorers encountered dangerous rapids.  So
the explorers were killed as the thrashing waters
hurled them about.  The others managed to get
ashore where they gathered their wits to assess the
situation.  Although the river ahead looked choppy
and menacing, some of the crew decided to forge
ahead.  They felt they had traveled too far to turn
back.  The others decided to return home on foot.

#########ROSIE....i cannot tell you how close i came to  giving this up!!!! i was on a real downer over my self abuser....just couldn't seem to  **shake her off me--shut her UP*!!!!  i would make a mistake and  here she came!!!  berating me/ abusing me,  the works!!!!!   so i threw up my hands and i just said  "i cant do this anymore-- i just cannot **budge* the self abuser--i am outta her"   and that was when i talked with my sponser and she said  "make you a cassette tape, with your voice/  your words of love to you"   i thought  "yeah, right, i can't stand myself, and i gotta say all that crap????"    well i did it....am doing it....and i feel like i am progressing....it has been 31 days now ,  and i am having a sort of  **lapse*  like last night i noticed myself  **going to fast*  like i have to rush stuff.....and i had to keep saying  "slow DOWN"   its like i had to keep saying that, as i worked on my computer and i was getting frustrated by myself...i almost didn't feel like playing my tapes, i almost said   "to hell with it"  but i decided   **keep going--- keep pushing--something's gotta break*   so that is where i am at

The explorers who went ahead faced dangerous
waters for a short period, but the remainder of
their journey was safe, calm, and beautiful.  Those
who turned back actually faced greater dangers,
and they did not survive.
   

########ROSIE.....oh yeah,  for me its a mud hole,   my feet are stuck and i am having to lift one foot up at a time, and traverse slowly to the bank ahead........i heard something of a spiritual note,    "you clean up your apartment of demons,  and if it is left empty or not maintained,  the same old demons will come back---AND bring their friends along too"    so the situation will be worse than before......like  getting delivered from something is only 1/2 the battle,  i have to get delivered **to* something-- fill up that empty closet i just cleaned out.....and also i think the last of the old  self hating **demons*  are giving this one last fight before they leave......so i just keep hanging in there, doing my  **reprogramming* work on my sub-mind  and its like i put too much into this by now...it would be stupid for me to let it all go now

This story reminds me how valuable it is to
persistently move forward in the program.  When
the road ahead looks threatening and I want to
turn back to my old attitudes and behaviors, I
remember that I'm not alone on my path.  I have the
wisdom of a Power greater than myself, the tools of
the program, and the experience, strength, and
hope of my fellow travelers and Al-Anon to support me.

######ROSIE....i guess this is why they keep saying   "one day at a time"   and for me sometimes it is  "one  hour/step  at a time"   like now...i am kinda in one of those  moods that isn't the best...kinda irritated with myself in that i am having to  fight to **slow down*   and "easy does it"    but i am too far to quit now........i do not ever want to go back to my old crap!!! not even close.....i just look within.....call my sponser....work the heck out of the program....take Xtra care of me ...and  "this  **slight* valley  i am in is only temporary"......

Thought for the Day
    During bleak periods of my recovery, my Higher
Power reminds me that the best way out is through.

    

######ROSIE....yeah,  i can't get past it till i walk through it.....i think the basic key for me is sometimes i need more rest and more  just **backing off*  and taking care of me.....thinking of something nice and fun i can do for me.......either way,  i put too much money down on this project, i am  **seeing it through*.......... thank you,  rosie

   "Today I will pause at a crossroad and listen for
       my Higher Power's voice"
             *Courage to Change*, p. 81
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