I had to bring it here.... Off Topic.... a bit long.... - Al-Anon Family Group

Rora · Senior Member

I had to bring it here.... Off Topic.... a bit long....

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Rora, again my condolences for the loss of your mother.

My experience is that if there are any rifts in a family (and when aren't there?), they'll come out when the issues of inheritances comes up. I have seen this happen so many times that you could practically set your clock by it. It takes superhuman effort to avoid it -- and with an A in the picture, what are the chances that he'll be trying to avoid it?

During my father's final illness, he told me a number of things he wanted done that he hadn't written out in his will. He asked me to make sure that they happened -- I was to get this and that, and the sideboard was to go to so-and-so, and so on. He had a friend who was an important lawyer, so the friend was the designated executor of the estate. After my father's death, when I told the lawyer what my father had said, he just shook his head. "If it's not in writing, it doesn't exist," he said. After all, there's a reason they put wills in writing -- so there's no uncertainty about what the person intended. And there's a reason the courts only pay attention to wills.

Because I was an only child, I thought I had avoided the problem of members of the family getting riled because they think they know best how things should be distributed. But then the lawyer took offense and stopped speaking to me! I had taken some of the things that my father had told me he wanted me to have -- pieces of furniture -- and the lawyer thought I was being greedy. There were no other heirs; the rest of the estate was sold to start up a scholarship fund. But it just shows how a death makes people crazy. I sent the lawyer an apology and said that I had been operating on good faith, and I gave back the things he thought I shouldn't have. But he never spoke to me again! I think that just goes to show what strong feelings death brings up.

I think if I were in your shoes, I would explain what you've said here to your siblings, and then send a note to your stepfather and say that you're holding to the letter of the will, which is the best information you have as to what your mother wanted. I'm sure there are many other valid responses too, so disregard my thoughts if they don't fit.

In some circumstances, it would be appropriate to pay attention to what opposing members of the family say. But I'm not sure that the alcoholics I've known could be relied on to make neutral judgment calls.

-- Edited by Mattie on Tuesday 15th of March 2011 04:53:46 PM

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rora:

Just a thought: your step dad might *think* he knows that your mom wanted to share the insurance money with you, your siblings AND his children. However, he, being not always of sound mind, might be mistaken. (I'm basing this possibilty on my numerous experiences with my exAH.
He was/is often adamant about something I said or did, but often his is not correct.)

I understand that your mom informed you that the policy money would go to you and/or your siblings. That's a touchy situation. I know you want to honor your mom's wishes.

But I got to thinking about if you do not include his children, what would that do to the relationships you have with them and your step dad? If the relationships are meaningful to you and your siblings, would it be worth excluding them? Just some questions - I'm sure you have contemplated them.

May you come to some resolution that you can be at peace with.

My heart goes out to you

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi rora am sorry for your loss , and as to your dilema . Do the next right thing .

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Rora - I have a thought, something I am trying to do with decisions that come up that I don't really know what I should do about - First take a few deep breaths and realize you have time to let the subconscious process everything; you don't have to decide TODAY. Heck, if it was me, I'd put the money in a bank CD for a year (or 6 months, or some period of time to take it off the discussion table for awhile, and if after 6 months you aren't ready yet to decide, renew for another 6 months). This would give you time to grieve for your mother, without being pressured into making a decision under duress.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Rora)))))

Tough circumstance. Honor your mom's wishes if you can. My mother (still living) has said it will be divided five ways - don't fight, there is enough for everyone. I dread the day.

In support,
Nancy

freeagain · Veteran Member

All A's always make me doubt MY reality. I guess it's part of my disease. You know what your mom wanted. She TOLD you straight out. And for a reason. If she hadn't ever spoken to YOU about it then you would have no reason to question your step father's motives. It is hard to go against another person who is grieving also but your mother TOLD you straight out on more than one occasion waht she wanted done with that insurance policy. Your step siblings should understand this and it's not your business if they don't.

I also went thru horrible times with "family" when I lost my parents. It is amazing what connection there is between death and money.

Trust your HP and know, no matter what you decide, that your mother's love for you lives on. (((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I do send you love for such a great loss. I think of my mother every day.

There is a reason she put you four kids on the paperwork. That is what SHE wanted. I know I mean it on my life insurance who gets the money. I am sure she worked very hard to make sure the premiums were paid every month for you four.

To me it is not being loyal to mom, to change what she decided out of her heart.

If s dad and the others disagree, to me that has nothing to do with you. MOM made it clear what she wanted.

I would just put it where it belongs. "mom knew her wishes, and I respect her desires." period.

In my experience, A's are always always looking for money. Manipulating, which is what I see here. To me he is not respecting her wishes. Says a lot!

If it does hurt relationships so be it. Means ya didn't have real ones anyway.

I learned A LOT when I lost my parents, gparents too. I was not given what grama wanted me to have. That hurt.

Anyway hon, bless your mom for having the strength to stick to what she wanted for you!

Love, debilyn

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

((( Rora )))

I am very sorry for your loss. I certainly know the pain of losing your mother.
I can't tell you what you should do, In the end it's up to you to weigh the pros and cons of sharing or not sharing.
I do know from experience nothing will tear a family apart after a death faster than money.
When my fil passed away he and his wife had a will that spelled out everything. Of course as long as she was alive (step mil) she could spend the money as she pleased even though he left his children money but only unpon her death could my hubby and his siblings get thier share. Now there were a few kickers here
My step mil had dementia, no way she could live alone they had named a cousin of hers exutor of the estate. It was worth millions btw. So they wisked my step mil ( who i adored ) away to live with them and got appointed her conservator in order to be able to spend her money. Now in the will the money set aside for my fil's children could not be touched until she had exausted the rest of the money. Her cousin was an A and she stated she had always wanted her cousins (mil) things (jewerly, money etc) that she never had the money to but herself all the nice things her cousin could and now she was gonna get all her jewlery and personal effects from her cousin and it would be ALL hers. She was just plain evil to me....and in a lucid moment my step mil asked me to please take her home with us she didnot want to go to her cousins. And my heart broke because they had within 3 days already declared incomptent and as they were "blood' relatives she would have to go with them. Because we would have taken her in our home in a heartbeat.
But anyway now with ALL that money she had to play with and even though the amount left to my fil's children ( while certainly a big number for me) was minimal compared to the rest of the estate. My step mil famly were known to live very long lives and her cousin was counting on that so she could little by little spend as much of the estate as she could so she could then dip into what was left for my fil's children and have all that for herself also.
We left the reading of the will with zero expectaions we would ever see a dime already knowing what her cousin was planning and frankly we didnt think about it again. Didnt stress on it cause yu cant stress or miss anything you didnt already have ya know.
Well my step mil did not live as long as expected so her cousin had not worked fast enough to get through the money and dip into the childrens money. We were not notified of her death and the cousin ( while she had all our information) told the lawyer handing the estate she hadnt a clue how to go about finding us. To her dismay by law the lawyer had to use all available resoures to get in touch with anyone named in the will and a specific time to do so. He found us all easily. She than did what she could to drag things out because now that she was executor she was reciving 5 thousand a month just to be the executor. In the end we got the money.
I dont know what decision you will make, i would pray on it
My thought was in reading your post was that in the end, when one knows the end is coming many people have a change of heart about many things. And maybe that was the case with your mother. If after giving it some thought in her mind maybe it was fair to have the money go to all the children. As a step mother to them maybe she needed them to know that they were imprtant in her life and that she cared about them. I don't know no one will ever know why your mom changed things, but she did and she signed off on it. For me I would respect the wishes of my loved one. Thats just me I am passing no judgement Just one of the expirences I had dealing with money and death. i have others that arent pretty either.
I wish you the best
Blessings

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