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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Opting out.
Post Info TOPIC: Opting out.
searching4peace


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Opting out.
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I went to the meeting with my AH's outpatient counsellor today.  I have decided I don't want to be involved in his recovery.  I am opting out of further sessions.  He can continue attending on his own.  

I have done a lot of thinking and praying the last little while.  And I have taken inventory of my actions and my place in our relationship.  I don't like the position I've put myself in.  I feel that I have created a great deal of conflict between my AH and myself.  In my attempts to control his drinking and his gambling and his smoking and every other behaviour I see as undesirable.  I have set myself up as an authority he has to answer too.  I have micro managed so many aspects of our lives that it is impossible to breath around here without infringing on some sort of restriction I have put in place.  I don't want to continue living this way.  And I don't think he or our children should be forced to either.

One of the first things I need to do for my own sanity and peace of mine is to put some space between me and his drinking/recovery.  I can not be involved in it right now with out the urge to control and manage it.  It's not my drinking.  It's not my recovery.  It's not my place to control or manage it.  In order to resist that urge I need to step back.  So I am turning it over to him.  It is for him to do with as he sees fit.  He is a grown man and he is fully capable of making choices and handling consequences.  He can choose his program of recovery.  He can work it or not.  He can re-evaluate as needed.

And I am not going to tolerate physical, mental, or emotional abuse on any level.  And I will not tolerate it for my children either.  I will set boundaries for safety but that is about all for now.  I will be responible for me for a change.  I will monitor myself and my recovery and my program.

I have to be honest that this level of change is scaring the bejeebers out of me.  I hate feeling this out of control.  But if I am honest with myself I'll admit that any level of control I thought I had before was just an illusion.  I don't know what lies ahead on this new path I am choosing.  I am afraid that there could be many new and frightening upheavals.  But I am confident that what ever comes my program and my higher power will help me through.  One day at a time I can find my way.  And I can trust AH to find his too.


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glad lee


~*Service Worker*~

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Your post makes me smile, I am so grateful you brought it here to share.

You may be opting out of his recovery, but from the looks of it, you are opting into yours!! woooHOooo Accepting powerlessness, trusting God, and making a decision to turn your will and life over to a Power Greater than yourself..... it's huge! I soo relate to the fear of not knowing what the future looks like, but hey... that is also an illusion we had! How can any of us know that?!! We like to think we're god, it's hilarious, really. The reason you see people smiling in al-anon meetings is because we are all trusting and relying on a Power greater than ourselves... none of us knows what the future looks like, but by trusting, we open ourselves up to seeing all the little miracles that happen every single day.... like this one you are posting here today!!

I'm sure your husband will appreciate this change in you, mine sure did. Once I gave him (and later, my adult children) the dignity to live their own lives... and then, I got a life too.... we were all much happier.

You have boundaries... yeaaaay for you!! For me, I had to keep going to my f2f meetings to FEEL the support of others and hear how they were working this thing too. I absolutely needed this network. I began by going to one meeting a week, which didn't do much for me. I got a sponsor, took the suggestion of going to 7 meetings in 7 days, and I was like a new person. Thereafter, 3 meetings a week worked well for me, and by then, I had a new group of friends... suddenly I had a social calendar!! which was NEW... I used to isolate in my misery.

I keep this little reminder in my kitchen....

"Thank you God. I trust you"

It helps me to catch myself when I start "thinking" again, hehe

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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
GailMichelle


~*Service Worker*~

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Searching4peace:

Stay strong and clear headed.  Good 4 you!

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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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You sound great!

just wanted to remind you hon, boundaries are good but don't forget the consequences if he breaks them. Be prepared to stick to what you say.

Its so amazing to see how you were able to see the things you wanted to change. thank you so much for shaing this! love,deb



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

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way to go girl .. the level of honesty you have shown in this post is awsome , you  have the awareness , and are accepting your part in this mess now is time for action .. change what you can . YOU  with your HP in charge you have no idea where this program can take you . confuse buckle up your in for one hell of a ride ..  enjoy !!!  Louise

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I came- I came to-I came to be
blender_girl


Senior Member

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Posts: 495
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Well done! I am so blown away by your awareness and honesty. You have a great head start on your own recovery journey!

Keep up the good work!

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flopadopilus


~*Service Worker*~

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I love it, you have the courage to change and are choosing to change the things you can. You inspire me! Way to go, keep choosing you!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Jennifer


~*Service Worker*~

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Searching, I think you have found a little of that peace you have been looking for biggrin.gif

Thank you for sharing this inspirational post. It is just what I needed to read today!

Jen

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kitty


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2098
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Awesome growth!  wtg not tolerating abuse in any of it's forms, it can be sublte too.  I made this same commitment to myself and never looked back ~ so grateful I did bc today I have a solid relationship with myself and I know I wont compromise my needs for someone else's needs -ever again.
   
Fantastic awareness on staying out of your AH's program (or lack of one-either way) it is none of our control or business - I learned that my only business is my walk as a human being & my own spirituality.  We can always re evaluate what we are doing and I do that often too- it is my own little checks and balances to be sure I am on track with my beliefs & values and with my HP. 
    Welcome to the beginning of dignity and resepct.  When I stopped trying to change and convince another, I was freed to have self respect and honor where others are in their lives by allowing them to live it and sort out thier own heads.  Today I am busy doing the same with myself.

No one was coming to my rescue, I had to stand up and do that for me.  It was the most empowering decision I ever made, to prioritze my voice in my own life and live up to my own standard.  I can only know what is healthiest and best for me and I allow others to inform me of what that is for them, I dont chase or question or meddle - I accept what they give me and see reality, not what I fantasize it to be.  Reality is not half as bad as I imagined either, no it was mostly my negative attitude perceiving things in one way.  I am not a victim anymore, change does that for us, allows us to be whole and active participants in living - not stuck blaming.  Kudos on your new journey, way to embrace the program!

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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
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