The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to Al-Anon and I'm looking for some perspectives on controlling behaviour and enabling.
Essentially I have had enough of my alcoholic partner's behaviour and I have ended the relationship because I can no longer tolerate being lied to, being stolen from and being on the receiving end of insults and attacks on my character, which happens every time I mention his alcoholism or when he decides he wants to pick a fight so he has to an excuse to drink. I used to fight back but when I stopped reacting he'd accuse me of not caring and storm out.
Another reason is because for quite some time he has been unemployed and at first I would help him out financially but I soon discovered he would spend all the money I gave him on alcohol, so I stopped giving him cash. Then he accused me of controlling him financially. However I would provide him with food and clothing.
I honestly don't think he is employable right now because being an alcoholic has become his full-time job. He has talked intermittently about going back to school or enrolling in training programs, and when he has asked for assistance in finding information about programs available to him I have helped him but it has backfired. Then he would accuse me of trying to force him into doing something he doesn't want to do. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I told him I would no longer stay in the relationship unless he sought treatment for his addiction and took steps to gain employment. I know he won't quit drinking unless it's a decision he makes but I am no longer going to provide him with the means to continue drinking. (He makes his drinking money by doing a couple of hours of labour for a produce store everyday and he spends the money on alcohol).
So I kicked him out. He is now living in a rundown rooming house or sleeping on the street.
Welcome to MIP and Al anon I can identify with all that you are experiencing and believe you can find help that will enable you to be restored to peace of mind and serenity.
You have seen the control and manipualtioon of this disease and you have been dealing with a disease over which you are powerless. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. By living with this disease and trying to deal with the repercussions caused by it , we become affected and need help.
Please look in the white pages of your telephone directory to find Face to face Al anon meetings in your community It is important that we break the isolation caused by this disease and connect with others who are walking this road and using constructive tools to help them to find life and happiness even if the alcoholic is still drinking.
We learn to Focus on Ourselves, Live One Day at a Time, Act and not REact,and Detach. All of this helps us to find ourselves and live and let live
Aloha Limey...Welcome to MIP and good you're getting into Al-Anon...If you do it like it is suggested (it's almost 65 years old) you will also become a miracle. Reading your post reminded me of the Al-Anon Pamphlet "Alcoholism a merry go round named Denial". Next meeting you are at...get one if you haven't already and read it slowly.
Sounds like you're ready to stop the controlling and enabling for the right reasons; they don't work and life goes beserk while you're not intending it to. Plus trying to take an alcoholic seriously is the worse rollercoaster ride on the planet. He's going to drink. Alcohol and everyone attached to alcohol will make sure of that including all the other enablers out there who have not called it quits like you have;...oh isn't that a dream? You stopped for you...wonderful cause that is why I stopped also. Go after the steps...the first three will give you major support and allow you permission to smile and breathe at the same time no matter where he is at, what he is doing, drinking or not; and what new plans he thinks up that might make him successful while he is still drinking or inspite of it. Someday he might also come to believe and say "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanagable". It could happen...we all have Higher Powers who need us sober and serene.
Yeah..I agree. Great work. I don't know how you managed to rise above whatever feelings you had and come to those logical conclusions, but I do think they are wise and probably true. Your post was all about admitting powerlessness over his drinking and the insanity it creates for him and you. He is putting you in double bind situations (damned if you do, damned if you dont) every day. That is insane. Hence, it would seem you just worked a step 1, 2 and 3 in a pretty effective way that is true to yourself.
