(( tracy))  I would say first you must sit down and define what YOUr true needs are versus your wants/fantasies.  If we are trying to control an outcome - that is always going to bring about tons of pain.   You may be gettting scared (or angry) bc you are fantasizing about what you dont have or whatever it may be (I dont know).  I actually had to face, feel the pain of and grieve many of my fantasies for how I exepcted my life to turn out.   

They say pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.   The faster I can accept something, the faster I can have serenity about it.  Forgive you for not "having" the life you thought you would, let it all go and learn from what is painful.  I know for me I was always mad at me for trusting them or getting hurt in the first place - but I am human, so I couldnt keep blaming them for my feelings, only I can face them, rectify them and forgive them (feel-deal-heal).  HP already loves and forgives me, so I embrace that and take the risk to accept, love and forgive me.
   Anything you cling to or try to control  wil become a trap.  I cannot control my feelings, I have to let the waves of energy wash over me and I like to sit down and breathe deeply whenever a situation or an emotion gets intense.  If I give me mere minutes to feel and breathe with the feelings and not hone in on any particular outcome or technique (whatever my mind is grapsing to) and let go and begin to see the possibilities that HP/god has in store for me.  I do not believe HP wants us to suffer, no HP wants us to forgive us and love us like the children of light that we are. 

So take it one day at a time, and do not think you will or wont be together forever.  Live your life and be as healthy as you can and diligent in your program, keep sharing and getting it out with alanons.  Learn how to define and fulfil your own (basic) needs and begin to know and discover who you are.  When we honor and value, resepct and love ourselves - this means creating boundaries in which you can feel your own esteem and resepct.  I had to stop compromising my needs and I had to stop trying to get them met through someone else.  We can only meet our own needs.  The rest, is extra - it is the over flowing icing on the cake -- we have to be our own soild cake, we are our own foundation for the living and loving HP within. 

I get very triggered around A's.  I found that I can be triggered by my self (my own thoughts) and any one I attempted to control.  I worked hard to stop asking probing questions of the adults I had relationships with.  I merely accept them as they are and I have faith in knowing that what ever it is that an adult wants to share with me, they will.  Nothing I do or dont do will change that.  But they soon began to see that I was no longer condemning and judging them (or me) by foucsing on their life choices.  No, keeping my self respect clean is a full time job.  If ever I go to their mental health or life choices, I know I am slipping.  I hand them over to my HP as soon as I notice I am worrying and controlling and not loving and forgiving. 

Take the time to be kind and gentle with YOUrself and love you an extra special amount.  I didnt know how to love me either initially - I had to pray for willingness and surrender daily, and to be shown how to love me.  Acting with dignity and self respect, allows me to exhibit that to the ones I love.  I have adhd as well - and I find that only exercise really gets that nervous energy out and allows my mind to have it's own freedom and space.

The magic question for me has always been this:  What can I do right now, to allow me to feel better about myself or my situation.  Whatever that answer was and some days it was an answer that may not seem so healthy - like eating ice cream lol but hey ice cream cures everything, doesnt it?   Read a book, take a nap, do a chore, talk to a friend, hug a tree, take a walk, look at people going by, search your mind for every little thing you can feel some gratitude about and then count your Blessings and feel that appreciation.  When I began doing that over healthy food and air and water and my life - I began to feel grateful for every thing and I found the well of inner joy within. 

There are endless possibilities for us all yet we are often too blinded to holding onto pain (fear, anger)  to see most of the opportunities right in front of our eyes.   Trace your anger and see where it stems from -- anger always comes after some pain register.  Anger is the pain we dont think we are entitled to feel or it is what we do not allow us to forgive and learn from - it was what we judge and  condemn us with.  Forgiving me is the greatest (and most miraculous) thing I can do for anyone.   I do not have to agree with another to love them, I merely must love them to love them.  It starts with me, I must resepct and love me, to know what that is.  Love, happienss and peace come from within.  It is not something that is sepreate or outside of you.  We merely reflect that love to each other or we reflect sickness, manipulation and control.

When I change my behavior, my feelings changed first and soon to follow was examining my beliefs (I erradicated the ones that were not congruent with my thoughts as an adult) and my percpetion began to change naturally.  Today I see when someone is emotionally unavailalbe and I recognize that as my (old or family of origin's) previous habit (thoughts, behaviors) and I can choose something different for me today, one moment at a time.  I take my own empowering actions and then I let go and work to forgive everything else. 

I'm a little spooked, as I just made a similar change with my sober bf. He's been sober for two years but at the moment is struggling to keep himself together and just needs to focus on himself. We spent the day together and came to an agreement on what our relationship will look like - we've basically taken it to the bare bones of what can be reasonably (possibly not even reasonably) called a relationship. We have two rules: 1) Fidelity and 2) We'll both keep making sure we're doing the best for ourselves and each other. We won't see each other very much and will talk on the phone occasionally. And that's it.
I'm heartbroken - it was his idea, and he said he was surprised I even agreed to it all, but the truth is I love him so much that I want to cling to whatever we can keep. But I also know that to really love him and care for myself is to let each of us take the time to work out our own issues.
My head is a mess and I can't believe we're so far apart now. I had the biggest migraine of my life a couple of nights ago and I think it was from keeping all my anger and hurt inside. I'm mad at my HP for letting him get to this point, and mad at myself for not just being able to walk away, and mad at him for not being able to keep himself together enough to be with me. But I've felt God constantly with me even in my points of absolute loneliness, and I also know that walking away wouldn't necessarily have been the best option. We needed a break, too, and it was right to choose it. But it hurts so much.
The advice on this page has been so helpful and comforting, and though I'm sad that someone else is feeling the same pain as me, I'm grateful to know I'm not alone and that there are people here who understand.