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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Acceptance
Post Info TOPIC: Acceptance
Tracy


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 987
Date:
Acceptance
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Hi everyone,
My partner been sober for nearly 7 months now, he was in rehab for 5 months and has been in supported living for nearly 2 months.  I am getting on with my own life but I am finding that I am becoming really impatient.  He has been told by hospitl he needs n op on his foot.  He says this could take up to a year before he may be able to work.  I am so frustrated he stops drinking , goes to AA but there still seems to be so many barriers to us lving together sharing are lives as partners. 

I need to accpet that he can not live here he carnt pay hi way, I have two teenagers who love him but when all together conflict can get to much.  He says once foot sorted and working we will be o.k in the future.  I niaeve thought things would be o,k when he got sober.  Sorry to rant I do love him but sometimes I think I derseve a partner.  Then I feel guilty because he is trying so hard. 

I know I am not working my programme correctly because I feel like crap.  I have used my phone but a few people must have been out.  I managed to contact one al anon memmber but it was not really that helpful.  I opened my books and asked Hp for guidance GUESS WHAT it said I needed to mke amends.  I know he is doing his best, I think it is me, I just feel unhappy.

Think I will go and pray again it will come always does just a bit confused stuck at mo.

thanks

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RLC


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1483
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Tracy your post is titled Acceptance. After reading it a more appropriate title would be Awareness. You reached out, read your books, asked HP for guidance, and then decided you and HP needed to talk some more, so I disagree with you..........You are working your program!!

HUGS,
RLC

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Bettina


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1744
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Dear Tracy,

Sharing a life with an alcoholic is very frustrating. Even though your husband has been sober and in rehab for over 7 months. This is a lifetime illness.
Us as the spouses of these men that are truly sick have to accept that as fact. The alcoholic is self will gone riot.

We have our own desires, wishes and a picture of what we want our relationship to be. Says in the big book " Any life that is run on self will , cannot be successful.
A life that is built on self will , will always be on a collison with somebody or something, even though our motives are good. "

I remember when married to the xah that I wanted it all my way, even though my motives were good and only wanted a good life, it was just that,
my life, and of course he had to go along with it, because afterall, who wouldnt want a great life for themselves.

Too truly do this program, we have to be painfully honest with ourselves as you know. We have to remember its not about the alcoholic. Its always about me,
am I angry, indignant, self pitying , resentful. Problems usually arise out of ourselves.

What do they say? Happiness is an inside job.
Keep working it.
Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 12th of March 2011 07:58:37 PM

-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 13th of March 2011 12:05:14 AM

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Bettina
alexmaui


Veteran Member

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Posts: 95
Date:
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Tracy....
You sound trapped...I know that suffocating feeling and also the dilemma about wanting to help...and wanting him out.
I will say I agree with the posts that say Take Care of Yourself First, whatever that is. It's not your fault if he wont deal
with his foot,....and it's not your responsibility to keep his life calm so he wont drink again...
I've been there...sometimes the answer is the old trusted and successful word DETACH.
GoodLuck


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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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Hi, does his foot doc know he is A? Makes it tough, very tough. How will they control his pain. I would HATE him to have a medical relapse.

I wish someone would have given me a heads up.

Waiting is very hard. I had to work on the thoughts in my head and heart. To be happy for what I had. Even if he still used, he was there with me, most the time very ok to be around. I learned to appreciate what I did have.

I am validating what you are feeling,don't get me wrong! I would like even now to just get to have some kind of relationship with him.

One day at a time is a HUGE help.

hugs,deb


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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
kitty


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2098
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(( Tracy )) You have to stop beating yourself up and focus on 'what can you to right now to allow you to feel better' inside.  Happiness is an inside job - oh how I hated to hear that early in program!  But if I am feeling discontent - it is only I who can change that fact.  Look deep within and ask yourself, what is keeping you from being happy right now?  You cannot pin that on another person, bc happiness is an inside job.  Get your focus onto YOU squarely and securely - learn what is holding you back about yourself and if you dont like, then you can know what to begin to change.  We can change our relationship's dynamics by changing how we react to things.

Be grateful for what you do have - u have a commitment from your partner that you are both going to work on yourself before you do any further damage to either of you or your kids.  That is a super fantasic thing right there to be very extremely grateful for. 
   If you are worrying about him and his program, you are not working yours.  Remember worry is a negative emotion that gives us something to do while gettting us no where.  I do worry sometimes often and when I catch it, I swiftly hand them over the god/HP of my understanding - bc I cannot do me if I am worrying for them.  That is the crux of my illness as an ACoA codependent enalber. This program takes HP, we cannot do it alone, so keep on connecting and letting go to the HP of your being.

What else can you be grateful for and consciously manifest the "good feelings" about?  You are a spark of the creator and we can in turn create nurturing lives, learn to be kind and gentle with you and learn to focus on YOU, as your own peace and happiness is a well that is waiting to be tapped into within you, right now. 

I was the most negative person on the planet... I turned my life around and I know that others can too, if I did it.  You have more power then you realise... maybe you just need to give you permission to stop suffering.  I was terrified to change bc then I couldnt blame others when things went wrong but jeesh all the time I wasted trying to control others, self control is so much easier and more rewarding!  Detach with love and focus on being the healthiest role model you can be to your teens.  They will emulate your behavior and they are counting on you to be kind to yourself & act with dignity and respect, so they can learn that too.  TC & GB!!

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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
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