survival mode and round 2 - Al-Anon Family Group

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

survival mode and round 2

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Sorry to hear this....I have a wonderful daughter who has to go through bad stuff at home with my wife (and I'm not perfect either...not wanting to I'm sure I've hurt her emotionally at times). I worry about how she'll be later in life. I struggle with what I can and can't control. Hope things work out or that you at least find peace with it all.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know the whole story of why he had to live outside of the house. I am guessing he might have some issues related to the divorce and his father's addiction. It might not all be his own addictive tendencies coming up. It could just be difficulties coping with life and changes. I am sure you had legitimate reasons for having him live outside the home (I'm guessing he wanted that too) but he may also feel like a big old screw up that can't even live in a home with his parents like a normal kid. Trouble is, no 17 year old is going to tell you that. They will all put on a big front and act out their problems in the ways you have described. Meanwhile, all of us adults are expecting them to recognize problems, live in the solution, communicate... I always forget how emotionally immature I was at 17.

It may not be until later on when he gains some adult perspective that he is able to talk to you or others about what is going on with him. Prayers are with you that he doesn't go down the same path of addiction. I guess all you can do is let him know he's loved and you are there to talk to him if he wants to open up.

In support,

Mark

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt compeled to respond to you post; however, I am struggling to find the words to write. I asked myself why and discovered it is because I want to "fix" your situation.

~sigh~ Still find myself trying to do the impossible.

Your post reminds me of a time when our eldest son was in his teens. He was drawn towards one group of students that were allowed to do anything they wanted to. We tried various things such as counseling, and even considered some type of military school. We realized that sending him off to school was futile for he'd just walk away from it. He ended up living with one of the families in this group of friends; he told all sorts of lies to the vice principal, friends and their families. One lie was that we would ground him, keep him in his bedroom and even took away the lightbulbs so he would be in darkness. (we laugh about it now, but back then, we were motrified.) When I caught wind of the lies, I went to the school vice principal and begged him to call the child protective services on us; I even reminded him that it was his obligation to report such abuse; I wanted someone with authority to get involved in hopes that they could help him/us. The vice principal didn't make that call as I had hoped. So we did and were told that by the time paperwork was completed he would be 18 - too late for them to intervene. There is so much more to this story - but you get my drift.

Fastforward 17 years: my son is now 35. We (my son and I) have a wonderful relationship; he is planning to marry a great woman. He exhibits self-respect, responsibility and is a productive member of society. He is all the things I had hoped he would be back then. I was so fearful that he would continue down a destructive path.

As difficult as it was, I got out of his way and continued to live the best I could. I made many, many mistakes. Eventually, he began to make better choices. He now admits that he was a "jerk," his word, not mine. He also thanks me for being the type of parent I was and he now understands my choices back then, because we communicate well.

I now believe that part of his problem during his teen years is his dad's drinking and my inability to handle it well. I have felt the guilt, but I have learned to let it go. Back then I didn't realize that my then-husband was an alcoholic, even though I was well aware that his drinking caused problems for us. How I wish I would not have been in denial and had gone to Al-Anon. Our family story might have been different.

The Serenity Prayer comes to mind...... accept the things I cannot change...

Work your program to the best of your ability. My prayers are with you and your loved ones. Gail

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Lou I have shared the survival back packing my son did. CAtherien Freer program. Safe and a good one.

Once he is 18 you won't be able to do it unless he agrees. Its covered by most insurance.

I didn't care or even think about my sons resentment or anything. I was saving his life. Thats me. I have seen how his friends grew up too going to that program. They cannot help but learn by it.

Hey I tell ya shoulder pain is pretty awful. I had the surgery and was shocked how sick I was.

You have your hands and heart super full!! Don't forget the simple stuff. On day at a time. Really are things we cannot control. All we can do sometimes is love them.

Miss seeing you here! I know when things are very hard I forget to look at the neat things.

I was pretty down for awhile. What kept me going was watching the birds I feed. lost myself in reading books, doing things I put off. Looking at the sky. My dogs are like kling ons when I am feeling overwhelmed.

You are a mom, we tend to forget us,especially when our kids are hurting. I used to feel guilt if I bought myself underwear! So I hope you will not lose you!

hugs,debilyn

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

You have been such a model for me with your relationship with your A, your children, your resolve, and your program. As they say in the program this too shall pass. I have felt devastated that my little family isn't together and their dad has moved out and asked (threatened) divorce. My three sons are grown and I would say at least one is an alcoholic. Probably the one that is most "successful". In my naivete, I thought that I could overcome alcoholism from my side of the family and my AHsober's side of the family and not pass it down to my sons. It is a family disease and powerful. All the best with the surgery.

In support,
Nancy

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