The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling with FEAR. I think I always have, I am just learning more and more about it and it is at the forefront of my awareness now.
Like many here, I have a history of being quite reactive. My reactiveness would be an emotional reaction to a situation that I am realizing now was almost always linked to fear. I was much better at blaming someone else back then, that I never took the time to figure out what was REALLY at the route of my problem. (wink)
As some of you may know, I spent the last five months being with my Mom, seeing her through diagnosis and death from cancer. It will be three weeks since her death on Monday. This has completely shaken my world. And nothing has ever made me question my own mortality more than this.
I've been separated from my aH for 2 1/2 years. I have an amazing 6 yr old son. And I am absolutely consumed with fear these days. I perseverate about something that may lead to my death, my aH's death, my unwell sisters death. I worry my son, what if he were to get sick. I am "what iffing"constantly. I am completey consumed with FEAR right now. And I don't know what to do.
I am finding it so difficult to enjoy my life right now. I am just so AFRAID. ESH please.
((((Rora)))) wish I could do more than just send hugs cause I know for me how monsterous that emotion is and I never pooh pooh it when another member speak of feeling it. Would not be honest and would not be fair.
I was fear based...more than I am right now and did exactly what you have done here...bring it out in the open and ask for help.
I was given a couple of acronyms for F E A R and settled on False Evidence Appearing Real as the one that would best help me understand it. It is my head that dreams up the scenarios of fear. Yes things happened in the past that were scary and then they passed. What the hell was wrong with me now when nothing scary is currently going on? False Evidence...my head is "What iffing" and digging up more "What if's" than it can handle at any one time so is running on it's own negative energy. My head!! the same one I used while dealing with alcoholism in my life. It wasn't working well then and I found out wasn't work well with situations that were not real however it was making those imaginations real. This is for me...my recovery and journey. When I started turning off the wild, unreal imaginations, my real life showed up and it was and I was okay and much more manageable. I stopped focusing on the worse that could happen and went for what was happening right now. Yeah sometimes my head just loves to ding me good...like well you are going to die right?...some day?.... and then what? and off it tries to go again. I've learned to let it leave, wave at it and say see you later and let it go.
Is it that simple...sometimes and what makes it much more simple is relying on the tools of the program...slogans like "Live in the now - moment - day" "Just for Today", "One step at a time", "Let go and Let God" and the rest. Using Acceptance and Powerlessness awareness is major to getting back into the moment and a right frame of mind. I am vunerable and I am temporary and that doesn't mean I stop my life today for something that is going to happen in the future on a date I don't know and a place I am not aware of...False Evidence.
"Just for today, I will live in this day only"...from the "Just for Today" CAL pamphlet. Marvelous piece of literature and I suggest you get it to help you center. You've already had enough negative going on...time not for fearing the end of your life; time for loving the time of your life. (((((hugs)))))
Hi Rora - sometimes I find it helpful to stop and think about this: What's the worst that can happen? I joke about not saying - things can't get any worse.... because its like daring God to prove me wrong. But I think about it, what the worst thing could be, and hands down the answer is tragedy to my kids and their lives. When I boil everything down to them being the only thing really important, the rest is easy to swallow - sure it would be hard to lose my house in a fire, but, i have friends who would help and there are agencies that help; AND the most heartwrenching would be to lose my kids, cats, betsy the border collie pup who thinks the world revolves around me.... Plus, we live in a society that sells fear - advertisers have sold us on fear of germs to sell us anti-bacterial products; most people live in fear of the IRS but should they? NO, if you do your taxes honestly whats to worry about? In my situation, the worst case scenario involves having to settle my AH's debts, heck, I've been there, done that, I can survive it, did survive it and came out with stellar credit rating to boot. Mind you I don't WANT to have to do that, but, it won't kill me!
And then there's the giving it all over to your HP - God, as I understand Him, in my case. If I find myself worrying some issue to death, I say, God, "this" is what I want - "Thy will be done" - sometimes I have to say "Thy will be done" more than a few times, returning to the thought as much as needed to quell the worry.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Ok, here's another thought - there's a song, I think Gloria Gaynor sang it and made it popular - Lyrics: At first I was afraid, I was petrified! Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side; but then I spent so many nights, feeling sorry for myself, but I grew strong, I learned how to get along.... - look it up, I really love singing that song to myself when I think someone is trying to make me afraid of things! Cheers!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I am so sorry tohear of the painful loss of your mom. I do believe the "Fear" is part of the normal grieving process so please be very gentle with yourself. Know that HP is with you and that your mom treasured you as a daughter. Double up on your meetings, share with your sponsor and know that this grieving process takes time so jsut remember to do this one day at a time with your HP and prayer.
Rora, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I didn't realize you've been going through this. It's very, very hard
Some years ago I lost my mom to cancer after a long period of nursing her single-handedly through her illness. Every single thing went wrong, from doctors who made harmful diagnoses to indescribable medical foul-ups and things like my mom falling out of bed and being too heavy for me to lift, so she had to spend several hours on the floor while I frantically tried to get help. In the middle of this was when I discovered by bf was an A -- when, for instance, he came to my mother's house to "help," stole a bottle of brandy someone had given my mom for Christmas, drank the whole thing and passed out in the only bathroom. The whole thing was a nightmare and it just kept going on and on, despite everything I tried to do to keep things from degenerating into chaos.
I'm laying the whole terrible story out here to say that I know something of how complicated the situation probably is (as I remember, you've separated from your A, but I know just having an A in the picture at all makes everything more compicated). Don't underestimate the fall out from that. My experience is that the pain reveals itself gradually, because there's only so much you can stand at one time. So waves of it keep coming. For me it turned up as fear as well as grief. I thought, "After this, how can I ever trust that things could go right again?" I felt newly aware of the thousand things that could happen to everyone.
I think this is one of the times where it's most helpful follow the precept to "Do the next right thing," even thought it doesn't seem that helpful at the time. Because we have to take care of ourselves even though it seems as if nothing can make us feel safer. Eventually taking care of ourselves will help us. My experience is also that in the beginning, after my mother died, I felt both shock and sadness. The sadness stays, but the shocks wears off. That's a good thing because the shock is something like trauma. For me it was a gradual process and not always linear. After four years I had another round in which I felt all the rawness again. This was a surprise as I thought I'd been doing great. But I got swept up in fear and grief for a couple of months and found myself waking up crying. I think part of that is that I was away and out of my elements and my self-care had ebbed.
I also got great help from a grief group. And it is a daily exercise to try to remind myself that there are things I savor and appreciate in this world, as well as all the things that bother me. Where we turn our attention is very important. If I didn't watch myself, all my attention would be on the scary things -- "feeding the tiger"!
My deepest sympathies on the loss of your mother. You have been through so much lately. I too am struggling with FEAR. It can be over whelming and paralyzing. I am trying every trick in the book I know to let go of it. Mainly I try and stay in the present. I have always projected way too much and that's when I get into trouble. I carry Tim's sobriety coins with me and hold tight to them when I need them the most. I try and breathe ALOT. Anything trick I can think of to get me through the moment. Perhaps that's the lesson is to stay in the moment. Concentrate on whatever task is at hand. Now I just need to remember that.
If you have Courage to Change, look at the January 10 reading. It's helpful. If you don't have it, I will PM you with it. Also in the back under fear it lists pages: 10,79,119,150,172,235, 248,265,305. Perhaps one of those will help you. Sending you much love and blessings.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
