Do they ever stop with threats? - Al-Anon Family Group

swisfun1 · Newbie

Do they ever stop with threats?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Swis...If you're not attending open Al-Anon meetings yet I hope you get to
them quick cause the insanity does stop and it something you have to learn
rather than something he has to. We can find peace of mind and serenity
whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not...You have to want that for yourself.
The hotline number for Al-Anon in your area is in the white pages of your local
telephone book if you live in the US. Your profile doesn't say where you are at
and I only know from my own experience where I found that number at. Keep
coming back and good to have you show up. ((((hugs)))) smile

freeagain · Veteran Member

How odd that I heard the exact same story tonight at my meeting. The lady did give her BF the money for the dealer...and breathed a sigh of relief. Then she wondered why her BF was in the bathroom for 20 minutes, walked in on him shooting up. Because there was no drug dealer that he owed money to.....just the one he was buying drugs from.

I fell for it a couple of times myself.

The practical thing you can do to make yourself feel safer for tonight is call the police and alert them. Ask them to do a few extra drivebys your place tonight. Do not answer the phone if your BF calls. He has nothing really important to say and is just trying to get what he wants. It's a nasty disease. Make sure everything including windows are locked. Or just go stay with someone for the night.

Stay safe. You can also call the police in the morning and they can give you some more tips on keeping yourself safe.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Swis do you have any agencies where you are that help women deal with domestic violence? I'm pretty sure that verbal abuse of this kind that makes you scared for your safety falls into the domestic abuse category - I would look them up.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Swis)))

There is truly no definition that can define every aspect of this disease. What you experienced today can be easily defined. It's called emotional abuse and abuse be it verbal, physical, or emotional is unacceptable and uncalled for under any circumstance.

Heed what was offered by members above who have walked in your shoes. Take care of yourself first by doing the next right thing what ever that might entail.

Keep coming back and know your not alone anymore.

HUGS,
RLC

Rora · Senior Member

I am familiar with the A using scare tactics to get what he wanted. Usually in the form of trying to get my pitty so that I would not want to make his life any harder for him than it already was. Every time I would go against my own moral barometer to accomodate him, I always felt I was conned. He had a way of making me want to please him. Each time I pleased him, I thought maybe THIS will be the time that he'll clean up and we'll live happily ever after. I'd do what he wanted. He'd be happy. Be nice. Have a smile. Be fun again. And I'd think, "YESSSSS... this is good." And it wasn't. Because I was enabling the disease to perpetuate. Mine and his.

It took a lot of effort to decide to stop. And he tried every tactic he could think of to make me shift my attitude. Sweetness. Promises. Charm. Anger. Hostility. Suggesting poor outcomes if I continued...and on and on and on. I realized that the only one in charge of my decisions was ME and I had to learn to detach from whatever it was he was doing to try and influence them. I had to take responsibility and not rely on him to agree.

This may seem a bit off topic from your post about do you give him money for the "dealer" that he owes. But my experience is that A's will do many things to keep a partner as enmeshed in the disease as they are. I realized that it was MY choice if I was going to be.

Rora

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This is not love. It is not necessarily typical behavior for an alcoholic because an alcoholic can get their fix pretty easily most of the time. It is typical for a serious drug addict though. I have run into people from the program (of AA/NA) that I know without knowing they relapsed and they always had some crazy story or would basically tell you anything for money. It sounds like making those kind of threats against you is a crime and you could call the police. Police are there for your safety. It basically is terrorism he is trying to commit on you and that actually is a crime. Not telling you what to do, but it's an option. You don't have to put up with that.

In support,

Mark

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You are in the right place. Yes, my A was always going to burn the house down. Going to kill himself etc.

I don't believe in ignoring anything. Whether they are an A or not, this behavior is criminal. What would you do if this was a stranger doing this to you? He deserves to suffer the consequences of his behavior. When we shield them from that, we are helping the disease.

You have every right to protect yourself. The world is a tough place. I always fence my whole property, lock my gate. I have a 9ml. right next to my bed where I can grab it. I also keep a flashlight there and my phone. I even had doors out from every room! I love sliders...(o: Oh and not to mention two huge dogs and four little ones.

I don't know where you are from, but most everywhere has police of some kind. I agree with others, look for a protection agency for abused women.

If you can, anyway possible, keep every note. record him. Evidence will help.
To many innocent people have been hurt or killed from others ignoring how important this kind of situation is.Better to be safe hon!

I don't even lock my doors I feel so secure. Better to be proactive, you have the upper hand.

Hugs, come back! debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Saturday 12th of March 2011 03:42:33 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.