Self respect. - Al-Anon Family Group

searching4peace · Veteran Member

Self respect.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, I make goals. You said you wanted a clean house.

What I would do is stay in one room, lets say your bedroom, do this room until it is done. Then as you do the other rooms, one at a time, you have a nice place to rest.
When we run all over the place doing stuff, nothing looks finished and we feel frustrated.

We take little steps, but each step you will feel better about yourself. I know I learned to respect me when I became proactive and made things happen.

As a family you can sit together and make a goal board. All of you looking at what needs to be done.

I am sure all your family would welcome more organization.

I am thinking what healthy boundaries do you mean?

Where do you want your home to be? What does that look like? When you invision the way you like things what is that?

I used to make notebooks with tabs with goals in each tab. Then right down notes in each section about the goals

There is no reason we cannot stick to one goal at a time. Make it attainable. My mother was the one who taught me to start one thing at a time until its finished. Ya get a sense of pride doing it this way, you can see what you have accomplished.

In order for you to feel respected by your family, what does this mean? Its ok to make a list. They don't know what you mean when you say I want to be respected.

Is it no profanity in the house? Do not take my possessions without asking? Do not walk away from me?

ONE day at a time! Glad you are doing this for you!

Hey I remember when my mother took an assertiveness training class! Things changed and we were all fine with it. It was neat seeing her care more about herself. I liked seeing her getting things just for her.

Anyway good for you! love,deb

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Searching4peace, this would be a very good step 1 and you probably didn't even realize you did it. You just admitted powerless over alcoholism as a family disease and that it has made your life unmanageable. You have tried every possible way to adapt to the insane demands of your household and it just isn't working.

Coming to these realizations is not easy...these steps are made in order for a reason and you are at the begining. But I gotta say that was very well written and great place to start. Now what? I would try to find an alanon sponsor and really work the rest of the steps. That is where you are going to come more in line with being the person you are supposed to be.

None of this is going to fix itself overnight...Even if you bailed out of the marriage tomorrow, you would bring yourself and all these tendencies you described with you. So...here is also were "a day at a time" comes into play. Answers and solutions will come to you in the timeline that your higher power wants them to. Try and stick with your program of Alanon and it will all unfold.

I know it feels crappy to be in the spot you are in, but what I read is that you are really moving along just how you are supposed to be at this point. Keep up the good work.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Awsome awarness on your part , now is the time to practice the 3 A's two you have already got . Awarness , Acceptance * your part in it * now its time for action .. Boundaries are confusing sometimes the first one for me was i did not allow myself to be hollered at anymore , if voice was raised I asked them to lower it and talk to me the way they did everyone else or I would leave the room . If they didnt I had to leave the room . it dosent take long for people to get that your serious . You mentioned clutter , I sat my sons down and told them that if thier things werent put away they would dissapear and they did , if clothes werent in the clothes hamper they didnt get washed I was no longer spending a half hr picking up dirty clothes off the floor , after a week they had no clean clothes for school and had to iron dirty one son the floor they soon found out where the clothes hamper was ,the hardest part of boundaries for me was to be consistant I often gave i n out of exasperation or just plain exaustion so I had to stop doing that NO was NO ..period
I told my youngest son that I loved him but didnt l ike him one damn bit and until he started to show me some respect he wouldnt be getting any from me . no lecture just the facts . So for a few weeks he went with out rides from me to the mall or to his friends , no extra allowance etc he got the message pretty quick and his behavior changed too. I was a screamer I hollered alot at my sons so I stoped hollering and told them only once what I expected from them if they didnt do it there was a concequence , we are heard when we are calm and not off the wall . good luck Louise

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