The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have learned a lot from this program and in therapy. I am using better judgment, I think.
My question. I don't live with my Abf. I spend a fair amount of time with him, mostly at my place where I don't have to be around his habit and he is also not under the influence.
He has started helping me out financially. I almost feel like I am now hanging around for the good times and I am appreciating him for the cash (and as a person). I am not depending on it of course, but it's very helpful.
Is it ok for me to take what I like in this respect? I have accepted that we really don't have a future together. Is it ok for me to stay in this relationship for now and take what I like?
I'm probably going to stick around for awhile anyway, just wanted some thoughts on this. Oh, and I am not trying to rationalize his behavior because I don't believe in some of his choices as he probably doesn't believe in all of mine.
Good topic for therapy, but I am not covered right now.
I think many of us weigh what about the relationship works for us and what doesn't and we decide from there what to do about it. Financial bonuses/security can be on the "pros" side of the column and you wouldn't be the only one to count it as such. The only one who can answer if it's ok to stick around is YOU. What does your compass say?
I want to thank you for your response. I have never thought about money as a pro in any relationship, except work of course.
I guess it's a little difficult not to feel like I am using somebody and I am not quite clear on this. Doesn't everybody use everybody to get what they need? Physically, emotionally and what have you... Use might not be the best word...
Yeah, I think it is possible in most situations to take what you like. Isn't that just life?
Thank you. Every response is thought provoking in one way or another.
For myself, Tradition Seven weighs pretty heavily on my decisions about money. I prefer to be fully self-supporting, not depending on outside contributions. I'd really have to examine the situation I'd be putting myself into if I were setting myself up to eventually grow dependent on another person's financial generosity.
I went through a lot of that when I was younger - I can't tell you how many times my parents bailed me out of financial tight spots. While it was appreciated, I still didn't really learn the really important lessons when that happened. Essentially I encouraged their enabling my bad financial decisions. It wasn't until the shoe was on the other foot where I started having to compensate for my exAH's poor financial decisions that I truly learned how important it was to be self-supporting.
I definitely think the only one that can make the decision is you.
Have you given it to your HP?
I'm just thinking about the relationships that I have had...I'm not sure I would've been able to take anything without feeling like I should give something in return. But whatever I gave would've been out of self-imposed obligation (or maybe even a little bit of well-placed manipulation coming from the other person to get what they want), not because I wanted to give. In the past I have given a lot because I felt like I should or felt like I owed someone something. I've always ended up feeling resentful when I've given under those circumstances. The resentment from stuff like that kept me sick for a long time.
Just my .02 - by all means, take what you like and leave the rest. :)
The way I see it, it's really two different questions: Is it fair to him? And is it fair to you?
About whether it's fair to him -- it would depend on so many things. I sense you might be feeling guilty because you're not planning to stay with him forever and yet you think you might be letting him behave as though things are more serious than they are? I guess that would be a question of how much honesty there is in the relationship, which is an important question whether money is involved or not.
About whether it's fair to you -- sometimes we get enmeshed and then it's hard to get disentangled. You say that you recognize that he's not healthy enough for you to be with longterm, but this is the kind of thing that one would do with a longterm person -- simply because it can be so hard to disentangle from it. It's kind of like starting a dependency, isn't it? And the addicts in front of us are evidence of how hard it is to get out of a dependency. What I would worry about is that it sounds as if it's not that easy to make ends meet. If he supplies some of the money, you'll be less motivated to find other ways of bringing in extra cash, and so the dependency grows... Then what happens when alcoholics do what alcoholics do? They drink more, there's turmoil, the situation gets worse, he goes on benders or vomits all over your couch or pees in your car or calls you, drunk and yelling, twenty times a night or steals from you or lies or cheats with other women -- or all of the above -- all those things none of us thought our guy would ever do -- and you're fed up and you only want peace and quiet and to leave him at last -- and yet you need him because the rent's due and the bill collectors are starting to call... Yikes! That would be a situation none of us wants to be in.
I think all of us have those moments we can look back on and think, "I wish I'd paid attention to that hinky feeling I had about my choices at that one time." The fact that you're asking now suggests maybe this might be one of those times for you. We all have one of those voices that's looking out for us, even though sometimes they speak softly and we drown them out.
I really appreciate the different perspectives and points of view. I always do.
I have been thinking a lot about what you all have said and trying to let it soak in.
I do know that I am not becoming dependent. I was in a marriage where I thought that I couldn't get out due to financial reasons. He gives me random cash that is more of a nice surprise and not expected. I am working along and going to be getting a settlement soon, not huge, but a cushion. That is Something that I Can depend on.
He is aware of how I feel on the future front. He thinks I have given him an "ultimatum". Sometimes he calls it that, sometimes he calls it a boundary. He wants to change and doesn't want to change. I am well aware that smoking is number one in his life and always will be.
Maybe you are right. It has crossed my mind that he is trying to manipulate me by giving me things. Thinking it will keep me holding on to nothing really. Maybe it is to a point.
I have said it before, but never done it. The pros and cons list. How much time should I invest. It's not just money. He is a fun guy a lot of the time. I just know in my mind and my heart that someone with these drinking and smoking issues will not be hanging out with my kids. Eventually they will be exposed to it, whether he believes it now or not. What he chooses to do with his own child is his business. My main priority is my kids. His is smoke.
Ok, more to digest. Thanks for letting me get it out. Therapy for me is listening to what I am saying and hearing back what I am saying and moving on from there.
Thank you so much! I am lucky to have this place to come to.
For me that is an honesty thing...worked out with program sponsor and with my HP. HP always. If I don't use honesty with it and work it out to where my spirit, mind and emotions are balanced the outcome or consequences are unacceptable...like I get sick!! Don't like doing that when I don't have to.
