New and really don't understand - Al-Anon Family Group

livin4him · Member

New and really don't understand

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

livin4him wrote:

Relationships are hard enough but it looks like I need HELP???? to learn to live with someone I've been with for 20 years??????? Any advice is appreciated.

Hi Livin4him Welcome to MIP and alanon.

You have come to the right place and the awareness expressed above is very insightful. Living with the disease of alcoholism affects all family members so that we certainly do need to RECOVER from the affects and pick up new tools to live by and communicate with.

Please check out face to face meetings in your community. The main number can be found in the white pages. It is important to attend, connect with others who are walking the same road.

In the metings we learn to Live One Day at a Time, Focus on ourselves (Live4ourselves) first, Be honest, open and willing to change and trust Higher Power to guide our lives. All this is a process so that I urge you to keep coming back

You deserve to be happy and have a full life. Yes alcoholism cannot be cured and must be managed by the alcoholic but there are many illnesses such as this and there is always hope

Keep coming back

livin4him · Member

Thanks Hotrod! Unfortunately we don't have an Al-Anon meeting where I live so I was encouraged by his counselor to use the website. I am on central time. I notice the meetings are eastern time. Is that one hour ahead? I sure appreciate you giving me some hope but it all seems like a lot of work for someone to go through just to be with someone who has repeatedly lied, cheated, put our future in jeapordy. I know I have been in denial for a long time and now we have a whole lot to lose. I'm really struggling. Do I wanna stay or continue with this and lose everything we have worked so hard for? We are now at that point and I and not young enough to start over financially. I also have a lot of health problems. Thanks so much!!!!!!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome!

Hon he doesn't put your lives in jeopardy, his disease does. Not unlike if he had brain cancer or any other disease. He does not choose it. Plus they never recover. An addict is always an addict.

They can go into recovery, where they make a personal plan or guide to follow to stay sober and change inappropriate behaviors.

If he gets out and does 90 meetings in 90 days, and you are in Al Anon, your relationship can get much better.

We cannot cure it, control it, we didn't cause it. His disease is totally his own to deak with. We have to take care of us. We learn how, here.

If you cannot find a meeting, MIP is the closest thing to Al Anon. There are meetings here and a chat room. Also you can get great literature to help you. We are always here so support each other.

I wen to meetings off and on but becuz of my disability I can't go anymore. MIP has been my home for many, many years. What I have gained here is priceless.

Sadly lieing, manipulation, selfishness are all some of the symptoms of the disease. My husbands counselor had to teach him to come home and ask how my day was! It never dawned on him to ask!I was shocked the first time he did Also he had to learn to ask me other questions!

For me hon, I believe in marriage. I had to give it my all to know I did my best. My ex AH is so sick, he is not the man I knew all my life at all.

I didn't mind putting in the work.

HOnestly taking one day at a time makes it so much nicer. Take care of what I can in one day, then take time for me. Read, watch a movie, play with my dogs, feed the birds, go thrift shopping.

My Ah's and my relationship included a deep friendship. I would have cont. to live with him if he had not turned totally insane and physically abusive. If he cheated, that would kill that part of the marriage. But I learned to accept him as is, and be friends.

I put all I could in my name. Protected me. But it was too late. I lost everything. Right now losing my home and most all my animals. Lost my sanity for awhile too.

I can say if he did not get wet brain/and damage from a brain surgery, I would rather he was here than not. I left becuz he was abusive, horribly, and insane. WEll I had him leave.

I am now alone and have been for too many years. I loved being married. sigh.Plus I don't believe in divorce, except for adultery. Which he finally did. That hurt.

Anyway there is always hope. We can pray he will come home and do his meetings. That is vital. Just stopping the using is not all they need to do.

"Getting Them Sober" is a great book, Toby Rice Drews. It teaches me so much.

Their disease makes us sick too. If you can learn the tools of Al Anon, build yourself back up, you may feel strong enough to cont. in your marriage.

I sure hope you stay! Keep coming! love,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The tools are not for him; they're to make your life better. It may be that you decide that the lying, cheating, and other problems are not something you can get over -- that's something where the clarity may come in time. If so, the tools of Al-Anon can help you to put together and new and better life and to understand the past better. Or you may find that with the new tools, it's easier to move beyond what's happened and stay together. Al-Anon does not say that one or the other is the "right" answer. The right answer will depend on your particular circumstances and what you learn as you go into recovery.

I know that having more things to do seems like having a to-do list that never ends. But to me these tools seem like having the load taken off my back. It's like I trying to move a mountain of earth out of my path with a teaspoon. At first Al-Anon seemed like it was a mechanical digger I could use to move the mountain. Now it seems like Al-Anon is a path I can use to stop digging and just walk around the mountain.

There's a saying: Nothing changes if nothing changes. In other words, you know what life is like the way it has been going. To change it will take some changes; that makes sense. Give it a try with some of the new tools and see if you recover some of that serenity that you deserve. There are lots of people here who have been in your shoes. Welcome.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

livin4him wrote:

Hi all! I am new to this forum but have been reading for a few days. Hubby is in rehab and have to say it is a relief. We've been together 20 years and have a wonderful life so I don't really understand why he puts it all in jeopardy to use. Anyway, just reading it looks like there is not much hope for relationships (marriages). I do not want to continue to live with someone who has such a low chance of complete recovery. I hate that I have stayed so long because I am older and not in the best health to just "start over." Can anyone give me any hope? I know I need Al Anon and thats why I'm here. We don't have a meeting where I live. Relationships are hard enough but it looks like I need HELP???? to learn to live with someone I've been with for 20 years??????? Any advice is appreciated.

Hi:

I do understand your present feelings of relief that he is in rehab, loss of hope, and the fear of being "mature" and the possibility of starting over on your own (I am 56).

My suggestion is to calm your negative thoughts at the moment. Not easy. But it is feasible with lots of practice.

Read Hot Rod's post as many times as needed and seriously consider her advice.

I really cannot hold back stating one more thing: Livin4him is not going to help him and especially will not help you. It might sound selfish in your present situation, but taking care of yourself is the very best choice you can make for you and all. I had a difficult time understanding that - to me it is truth. I have seen what it did to my ex-AH, our now-adult sons, and me when I thought I was being unselfish by living for him. I wish I had the power to get that through all those who live with an alcoholic. (I was married for 36 years; about the last 20 years I spent trying to "fix him.") It does not work. I guarantee it does not work.

Now, go re-read Hot Rod's post & consider what she wrote. Gail

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Living...welcome to the board and you have already caught on that there
are on line meetings here so meetings are available to you though not as magical
as the face to face ones we attend. Check with afgwso.org for meetings in your
a r e a maybe not in your town but reachable by transportation and also for phone
numbers of members close to you that you can talk to on the phone.

There are members here who have really done well using this board and other
tools who don't have meetings available to them either. I hope they step up and
offer you their experiences on how they have done it. Their recovery is astounding
coming from a man who has always had face to face meetings to attend. The
program saved my life.

You have already received solid feedback from other MIP members who have
worked the Al-Anon program well and have miraculous lives today where they
had little or less to rely on when in the middle of the disease of addiction and
bleak outlooks. For me I was convinced that my life was over when I finally
reached the rooms of Al-Anon and didn't know what was holding me upright until
another suicide attempt. I was married again to another alcoholic/addict and had
no clues about the disease or what was going on to make my life so invaluable.
From the membership in the meetings and the literature and the work I was
encouraged to do to save my own peace of mind, serenity and life I have more
that just survived and like the others I am beyond grateful for a Higher Power
that led me here and encouraged me to sit, stay and listen and then practice.

As it has already been said...Our best change in life doesn't come from leaving
the old person who is addicted who we placed our trust in and found that wanting.
It doesn't come from replaceing that person with another person unless the new
person is us having been changed by working a program of recovery. We are
responsible for our happiness and sadness as we are responsible for our peace
of mind and soul and serenity. I had to change me...I didn't cause the addiction,
couldn't control it and couldn't cure it. My life is my responsibility not my alcoholic
or addictive wives and family.

Do your best to join us and take part in the groups recovery as you are now a
member. It always isn't easy but it is (for me) always worth it. Find a power
greater than yourself and join in. We will do this together. The MIRACLES IN
PROGRESS family with support you with unconditional love.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

hello and welcome , there is always hope dont give up . Husb has finally decided to try living sober he may have found his miracle . I assume your not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself as soon as possible you are going to need support from people who understand exactly how your feeling . Its true there are not alot of marriages that make it thru this disease but that dosent mean yours has to be one of them , I just celebrated 45 yrs of marriage to an alcoholic who is now 20 yrs sober so alot of changes have taken place for us . I found Al-Anon 3 yrs before my husb chose sobriety and I believe that this prog is what made it possible for me to stay in a seemingly hopless situation , I learned how to get happy regardless of what he is doing , I stoped enabling which gave me time to get my life back when obsessed with someone else there is no us we simply dont have a life , and your post confirms that to me . Livin4him ?? what about you ? its time to take care of yourself and make the changes u need to do to improve your life . two people in a recovery program have a chance it is the best way for me to support the alcoholics efforts at sobriety. there are no guarantees here that a relationship can be saved but it does promise to return some sanity to our lives . Please find meetings for yourself give us 6 months and see how u feel then , if nothing else your perspective will improve to a more positive one . The alcoholic is not the only one who has to change we do too ,we had a part in this mess .. Louise

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

GailMichelle, I saw Livin4him's name and wondered what it meant at first, and then I thought it might mean that she is Living For Him (her HP, I mean in a church sense). So that is a possibility too. Livin4him, please excuse if we have jumped to any conclusions.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie wrote:

GailMichelle, I saw Livin4him's name and wondered what it meant at first, and then I thought it might mean that she is Living For Him (her HP, I mean in a church sense). So that is a possibility too. Livin4him, please excuse if we have jumped to any conclusions.

So very true! Livin4him, I deeply apolgize If I assumed incorrectly. Mattie, thank you for pointing that out!

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Thursday 10th of March 2011 05:12:17 PM

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Livin, you've received a lot of good ESH (experience, strength, and hope) already. I don't have a lot to add except I too live in a place where there are no meetings. Fortunately I found MIP and alanon. Unfortunately my ah is still drinking. But since coming here I've learned that I can make my life better by making changes in myself, for myself. I suggest reading the other posts and replies on this board. Also try attending the online meetings. (Look under LINKS in the yellow section at the top left of the page.) Your husband is in rehab...good for him, that's a good start. Whether he continues in his recovery is up to him. But it is possible to be happy whether or not you stay in the relationship, whether or not your husband is drinking. It takes some work but gets easier with practice. This is a great place filled with understanding, caring people. Please keep coming back-

livin4him · Member

Thanks to all of you for your posts, encouragement and sharing your wisdom. Livin4him does mean I am living for God. I have also spent 20 years living my life around this disease. The closest meeting to me is 100 miles so I guess I will be here a lot. Thanks again!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.