Loving his absence...but feel guilty about it - Al-Anon Family Group

looking_for_peace · Veteran Member

Loving his absence...but feel guilty about it

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Looking

Thank you for your honesty and clarity. It is very human to enjoy the peace and quite in our homes after so much turmoil. You know that Hubby is safe, so enjoying your space, and serenity is a true gift of the program. Do not second guess yourself. You are doing fine. You do not have to figure out just why this is right now it is enough to accept that it is a gift and enjoy it

When and if it is time to move out of the marriage you will know

Thanks for sharing the journey

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 9th of March 2011 09:59:00 PM

BEACHCOL · Newbie

I've been where you are many times, my AH would leave to visit his family in another state and they were my "happiest, most peaceful" times, so much so that everyone around me would comment how happy I was. Anyway, I always thought that this temporary happiness meant that I may be ready to leave him and live a happier, less chaotic life. WRONG!! I did file for divorce a month ago and it hit me like a ton of bricks, that I do LOVE him. I am so confused right now, I withdrew the complaint but my AH is angry and won't talk to me, telling me I made the bed now lie in it. UGH!!! I am scared, frightened, lonely, a complete mess. I cry, pray, you name it. I have asked him to leave but he won't and he won't tell me how he feels because he says he doesn't want to open up his heart. My counselor explained to me that I was not ready to file yet and as Al-Anon says she told me I need to work and focus on myself, which is hard to do when you are hurt and anxiety ridden everyday. Anyway... my suggestion, and Al-Anon's is focus on YOU!! Detachment works!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

The one thing that struck me was you said,"until he recovered."

They are never cured, never recovered. The can go into recovery for periods of time, and we hope forever.

If he is not in AA or any kind of rehab, then all he is doing is not using. Which is only a tiny part of the disease symptoms.

Plus I have known heroin addicts who still go to work when they are in recovery. What makes you think he can't work? Going by your share he has had LOTS of time to have been in recovery.

Its the disease you are happy to be away from, not him! OF course it feels good! And yes it is a good indication of how it might be without living with his disease.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Looking,

I have experienced the jubilation of when my ex-AH used to go on his long fishing trips to Baja. It felt like Heaven, but with a dash of guilt.

I do understand your feelings. I do not feel the guilt is justifiable, however. I did have to work on the guilty feelings for a long time, and at times, I still do.

I did end up divorcing. But I'm not in any way advocating divorce. Everyone is different. In time, you will know in your heart what is best for you. Be patient with yourself and the situation. Seek out others who understand. It is tough doing it alone.

And like Debliyn wrote, "they are never cured." I will add that alcoholism can only be managed if that is what the alcoholic so chooses to do.

My $.02 smile

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha looking...part of the lesson for me was learning about feeling guilty because
I was feeling good.   Didn't make sense then, like I wasn't supposed to feel good
or satisfied or elated because my alcoholic wasn't doing well or whatever. Then I
learned that having my own feelings based upon how I thought others might feel
about or think about me or how I thought they were doing was the poorest of
justifications. I learned that feelings are choices and I started choosing to feel
good and happy and excited and satisfied and cool and relaxed etc...regardless
of what others were going thru or what was happening.   It's okay to take a smile
to a funeral.   ((((hugs)))) smile

pinkdove · Newbie

I know how you feel. My H, who is not in recovery (says God has fixed him) has been at his parents' house for a week, and I love it. It's so calm here, so quiet and peaceful. I can just BE. Except for the times I'm afraid he'll call and try to charm me and win me over again, because it always worked in the past. My son is afraid I'll let him come back. I have a part-time job making minimum wage now and no car, but grateful I have a job close enough that I can walk. It's far, a mile away, but I don't need the car so he can't play control games with that. The day before yesterday I walked home, all uphill, after being on my feet all day and it was awful, but I preferred it to being with him and his disease.

I have no feelings for my H. I don't miss him. I have no desire to try one more time. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth except that he's miserable at his parents'. Better him than me, that's all I can say. I'm suffering for staying in the marraige as long as I did and allowing myself to be pulled down with him so far. He stepped over every boundary I ever tried to make to try to keep my own self sane and directly or indirectly sabotaged every effort I made to become more independent. He says he'll do anything to keep our marraige together now, if I just tell him he can come back home. And I don't believe him.

I don't know if this is normal either, but it's similar to where I am.

supermom · Veteran Member

I can also relate to your share. My husband has been gone for a few weeks to rehab. It has been difficult being a single parent in his absence. It also has been very peaceful though. It was nice to have less drama in our house. I have been able to relax and lower my anxiety level. There is a little bit of guilt associated with the good feelings. It has been a long time since I felt good. I think the guilt comes for me just because the good feelings have become so foreign to me. I have been so entangled in his disease that I have almost forgotten how to enjoy myself or what that feels like. I love my husband very much. I am praying for a miracle for him. Thanks for the topic. Take care of yourself and try not to feel guilty. You deserve peace. smile

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